NO. Don't fall
let him reach out
to catch you before
you fall in the deep
dark despair that
surrounded your days.
Stop feeling. Come out
of your sadness and look
at him as he plays that
heavenly music that makes
your world collides against his
hands.
There is nos past.
There is no present.
And the future of your
sorrowful soul hangs
froma thin thread
attached to his heart.
Don't believe in fate
because it may fool you.
Believe in his dreamy eyes
because the shiny light they
irradiat bring life to your
cloudless blue sky.
Stop crying yourself to sleep.
let him come and whisper your
name in your ear because it
might sound likt he heavenly
harp singing for you as the
goddes of the dreams comes
riding her white horse and you close
your eyes.
The dreams are no more nightmares
He is there, laughing and dreaming to
kiss you. Let his lips caress yours
and make you soar because it might be
the last time you wake up from such high.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hi Juni (yes, I did read your About the Authors)! Kat's here to review ^.^
I. Details, details!
Here, I'll have to agree with Rose (the above reviewer) in which if the 'no' was italicized it would do much wonders. One of YWS rules is to try and keep the Caps down, so, oftenly, people (including myself) will use italics to put emphasis to that specific line or words.
Just a quick thing: 'in the' should be 'into the', because the person would fall into something.
Here, I have got two suggestions. You should replace 'dark' with something else, like a synonym but not so common, you know? Not so used. And, the other one is about the tense you used in the last line. I think if you change 'surrounded' to surrounds, you would transmit better the feeling that I think you're trying to transmit. If you make the problem present, then it will feel stronger.
Here is the first time I'll mention, punctuation because I'm saving a special place for it at the end. There should be a comma before 'as'.
Typo? 'nos' should be no.
'likt' should be like. Make sure you review your work before posting, so that these typos won't appear. I suggest you use other adjective than 'heavenly' because you've used it before. The repetition here doesn't work.
Goddess. Again, watch out for typos. They give the wrong impression in a post.
II. Wording/Ideas
You need to watch what you put into your poem. If you throw too many ideas at once, and don't explain them very well, the message will eventually get lost. And in a poem with this length it can happen quicker than you'd want to.
Example:
Why is there no past? Why is there no present? If she's alive, then there should be a present. Here, if you just explain this a bit further it would help you a lot, since this idea is good, because most people would just say there's no past, the present and future is all that matters. But you, no. You say that there ain't a present. Which is a point I like, so I'd like to see this explained.
Now, for your wording, I've already mentioned two examples. One thing you should be aware of is that in this kind of poem, when you go on and on about the same thing, is that you have to watch which words you use, so that the poem won't just seem to repeat itself. That happened when you said heavenly twice. It's not major thing, right now, but it's just a piece of advise
III. Punctuation (Mwahahahaha! <-- I'm a grammar freak, so this'll be fun!)
I see you've put the period at the end of every stanza. It is a nice step, generally, evne though there are some stanzas were open would go better. But I also would liek to tell you to use commas at the end of lines. I've pointed above a place where a comma was missing (before 'as', that situation is repeated twice), but that's not the same thing, becuase it's in the middle of a line. No, what I'm talking about is places were a comma at the end would do wonders.
Yup, those are the places I foudn where a comma should be placed at the end of each line. Now, here I was quite surprised on how you didn't need too much commas because of your line breaks.
IIII. Line breaks!
I found them quite not so good. Because at some points, you have to stop when you're actually feeling envolved in the poem to read the next line. It doesn't work very well. I am not going to tell you where to revise because for instantes, I think that the whole line breaks in the first stanza should eb revised, except for the first one. I advise you to join those parts where the line seems to be broken in half, and make a longer line poem. It would help your flow. Specially on the last lines of stanzas two and five. The stanza I thought that was the best was the last one, in line breaks matters.
And that's it! I liked it, in an over all. Not usre I compeltely understood everyhting, but it was nice and had some poetic senses here and there. Hope I helped!
- Kat
Hey! Here's your review as promised.
Why is the no capitalized? It's kind of distracting, so you maybe you could find something else to emphasize it? Italics, maybe? Also, there should be a period after 'fall.'
Let him reach out to catch you (also, I read the rest of this stanza, and I know what you are trying to say, but the way you organized it seems a little awkward, so after 'you', i think it would sound better if you added '-before it's too late.' Just a suggestion.
Before you fall in the deep, dark despair that
has surrounded your days? In addition, this doesn't seem to make sense. I know what you're getting that, but it can be confusing. My first thought was - if it's surrounded the MC's days, hasen't he already fallen into the deep, dark despair? Then I realized that there are bad things in his life, but I think you should make it clearer.
Stop feeling what? Pain, love, hardship? Please specify.
I liked this stanza, but it seems to flow a little bit better if you write: Come out of your sadness! Look at him as he plays . . .
And another thing. Collides should probably be collide.
There is no past.
There is no present.
May just try 'The Future'?
"sorrowful soul" sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe you could try 'sorrowful head,' 'sorrowful body"? I dunno, just a suggestion.
From a thin thread attached to his heart.
Believe in his dreamy eyes because they bring life to the cloudless blue sky.
Let him come.
might sound like a heavenly harp?
Goddess
Okay, in general, I liked your poem. It was very sweet. I was assuming someone was telling her to get over her boyfriend who had died and instead wait till heaven united them? I liked your prose, your use of vocabulary, but you did have a few errors in grammar and sentence structure. That's okay, though, because I know you can make it better. PM me if you have any questions.
Best of luck in your writing.