I ran up the ramp towards the automatic doors and waited impatiently for the two second time period for the sensor to acknowledge my presence and allow me inside.
"You're late Tanya," my boss, Bayla, announced.
"Yeah, sorry I had-" I didn't want to tell her that I had been in detention so I drummed up something more reasonable, " I had to tutor a freshmen at the last minute." I flashed her a quick smile and plopped down in my swivel chair next to hers behind the front desk. I fired up the computer and checked the patient list.
"Tutoring eh? I didn't know you tutored," said Bayla without breaking eye contact with her computer.
"Oh, yeah just in English, since that's the only thing I'm good at." I let out a small chuckle before diverting my attention back to my keyboard to type in my system password. The phone rang and I picked it up before the first ring was even finished announcing a caller. "St. Peter's rehabilitation center this is Tanya," I said feeling professional. After dealing with an overly concerned family member I gathered my clip board to check in with the nurses at the west end of the building.
The hallway was long and too bright. I hated the feeling of walking down it by myself. I felt solitary as the clicks of my shoes echoed throughout the hall as if I were the only thing that was alive in the entire building; which was partly true. Then I saw him as he hoisted a patient up with his raw strength and placing them softly on the bed. His skin was dark, almost as if he came directly off of the Samoan Islands, and his hair was fluffy and neatly tired back into a pony tail. He looked in my general direction, and I panicked while focusing on my clipboard.
What are you doing Tanya?...he's married!
I walked back to the front desk quickly and ignored the eerie sound of my own footsteps. Thoughts ran through my mind like they did everyday whenever I even glanced at him. I couldn't be interested in an employee, and a married one at that!
You're just a seventeen year old receptionist...why would a man like that even want you?
My thoughts tortured me even while I was trying to answer phones and shuffle paperwork. My stomach turned and my face began to feel as if it were boiling.
Oh, no. Not another anxiety attack.
"Uh, Bayla...I'm going to go ahead and go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." I said shakily. Once I turned the corner I ran to the bathroom. I burst in the door and locked myself into a stall. I leaned over and puked up nothing except tears streaming down from my eyes. I felt like an uncontrollable pathetic mess as I stood there, leaning against the tile wall trying to teach myself how to breathe again. I released myself from the stall and stood in front of the mirror with both hands gripping the sink.
Look at yourself Tanya! You're a disaster, you can't even control yourself around a guy you like. When will you be able to deal with the stress. It's not going to go away!
Once again my own mind was torturing me. My body felt nervous as if I didn't want to see that man ever again. But the truth was just the sight of him made me nervous, and the taboo of the whole situation made it all the more enticing.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
But this is only part one, right? I'm assuming that's why you have a one in parentheses in the title. Anyways, on to the review!
Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments
Grammar
Your grammar here is fairly good. There were some issues, but not a lot. Overall, that aspect of it is nice.
Descriptions
You had some fairly nice descriptions in this piece. But I feel there should be more. At least of the people. We don't know what Tanya or Bayla look like. And it seemed like you only added descriptions if the subject was rather extreme. Like the cold hallways, the guy she likes but can't have. Work subtle descriptions between lines of dialogue, and simple things like "the whir of the computer kept me entranced..." when she's on the computer--IF the whir of the computer DID keep her entranced. But other small things like that are what bring like to writing.
Characters
I'm going to be honest. I don't really know much about Tanya other than she's a 17 year old who's working at a hospital place, who got detention, and who has a huge crush on a married guy she works with. I want to know more about her. Without knowing her, we don't feel the least bit sympathetic to her in her time of need.
I want to know what she looks like, how the likes the job overall, why she got detention, if there's anything other than the guy's good looks that she's attracted to. What is she wearing? Does she wear regular clothes, or does she have a uniform. If she does, what does it look like? Does she like it?
You don't have to include all of these things, and there are better details to enter, but my point is little things like those can make all of the difference.
Sorry if I'm being too harsh. I do like this. If you need anything else, feel free to PM me, or go to my Will Review For Food thread. The link's in my sig.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Hello possibleintrovert,
Good job. You've expressed the emotions of the girl in a very good manner however story seems like 'incomplete'.
Also, should be providing more about the main character Tanya, and it will also increase the length of the story, it seems a little short to be a short story.
Excluding these things, what I like is the way you described the things going in the mind of Tanya.