Her dress was torn.
Dried mud crusted around her bare feet and ankles.
She simply stared, after running away from the exact monster that stood before her.
There was nowhere left to turn, she was surround by his lightening speed. She wanted to cry, but couldn't find the courage. Fear paralyzed her body, she couldn't run any longer because he always caught up to her. Why was he perusing her with such persistence? His face was deformed, or burned causing his presence to scare away even the most forgiving maiden. But Jaime just stood there staring at his face.
The singed skin around his eyes and mouth made the right side of his face look skeletal. Some of the tissue around his eyes was missing, making them unnaturally wide. Though his eyelids were in tact, they were missing lashes. Perfect white teeth gleamed out of his deformed and thin lips forever cursing him with an angry expression. A single eye brow was paralyzed into a downward demonic pose. His black hair was long, and the sun seemed to coat is with a clear glaze of shine. She was bind to his flaws.
Jaime's instinct told her that he wore a calm and gentle expression under his hideous mask. Her fear turned into curiosity as she stepped toward him. Surprised, he took a step back.
"What do you want?" She asked.
"I'm here to protect you," the man breathed heavily out of his mouth.
"What? I don't need protecting," Jaime snapped.
"Yes, you do." He spoke clearly and articulated every syllable.
"Please, just let me go back home. Why did you chase me out of my room? My parents are going to worry. I- i just want to go home. I haven't done anything!" Jaime could barely speak as involuntary tears dripped down her cheeks.
He began to feel impatient with her. Though she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her long dark hair flowed down her long slender back. Gentle curls hung in her face. Her eyes were wide and blue. Every feature was in tact and beautifully orchestrated across her face. Though she was a mess, with her legs cut up and muddy from the five mile long chase he lead her on. He felt bad for disrupting her from her home, but he knew he had to. He wanted her alive.
"There's no time to explain, we must go."
"No, no I don't want to go anywhere! Please just let me go. I won't say anything, I promise." Her begging broke his heart. It killed him to see something so innocent to be forced into such a situation.
Shots were fired about a mile away. "They're getting close. We must go, now," he commanded. Jaime's heart jumped once she heard the shots. She peered up at him, and began to realize that situation was not the kidnapping she essentially thought it was. This monster was actually going to save her. "Please..." the man held out his hand to her, "do you trust me?"
Jaime had no choice. She looked at his malformed face and saw the sincerity deep within the defects. "Yes."
He was taken aback from her response, she was no longer struggling. Shots were fired once more, but at closer range. He picked her up and began to run, fast.
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
There were a few spelling mistakes that distracted me from the story but not enough to enjoy it. Your description of the man was almost a turn off, but it worked because I can sense that is your intention. I love how to described the girl's looks.
It ended in such suspense. You did pull me in but I couldn't quite shake off how dark it was. I was almost afraid to read it but overall, it's a good story.Hey there :] Corrections/suggestions are in bold.
Even after changing lightening to lightning, I realize the sentence is still pretty awkward. See what you can do to make it flow better.
Tiny spelling error.
I'm pretty sure intact is one word.
I changed "bind" to "bound" but I'm not really sure if that's what you mean.
Okay, other than the above, this is a great story! It definitely left me wanting more. Please PM me if you ever add on to this.
-Ace
Hey there! Irish is here! *heroic theme music*
I saw a couple of things though:
I liked this! It was interesing
This part sounded a little awkward to me even after I read it over several times. I thing you mean "lighting"? No? Yes? Pie? Oh wait thats mine.
I think you mean "blind"?
The POV seems to suddenly changes here. It goes from the girl, to the man. Which can easily confuse a reader. Although, I could be wrong *shrug*
One more thing:
I think you need a semi-colon instead of a comma...
Overall:
I liked this! It's interesting and very descriptive
Keep up the good work and PM me if you have any questions. I apologize if I read anything wrong!
- Irish
Hi, possible.
You did a fairly good job on describing the man's face. I sat here, frozen, eyes glued on my screen for this whole part.
Hm, maybe I would describe less about the girl. They're in a rush, aren't they? So maybe say less since it takes more time to drink all these details in, time that these people don't have. Possibly start describing then have the man's thoughts (? is that the right way to say it) get cut off. I dunno.
Also...
This was nice, but is this really a short story, or is this a chapter of something? Because if it is a chapter of something, this is in the wrong place! This does seem like an intriguing first chapter/prologue of a story, rather than a short story, since 1. Where's the romance in this little piece? 2. This feels like a scrap of something, and unfinished. Did you place this in the wrong section? Good beginning, not so good short story.
Hope I helped-
KD
I liked this story, but it reminded me of The Phantom of the Opera. The description of the monster is almost the same as the description of the phantom. Anyway I would love to see where you are going with this, it kept my attention throughout the story. I didn't like the fact that she trusted the monster so fast though. I think that if the trust had to be gained it would make the story more interesting.
Pm me if you need anymore reviews.
-Flower-
Hello there
I will start off with outlining the mistakes I spotted
I think you meant "surrounded".
It should be "could not". "Couldn't" is informal and should only be used when quoting a character.
Alright, I think that was about it. I loved this story, and your writing was great. The monster does kind of remind me of the one in that story about Notre Damme, forgot what it is called, maybe that's the name. But I liked the paragraph where you were describing the monster. It did draw a clear picture in my head as I read it. Good job
Ziggie
Fantastic start to a possibly engaging story. I liked how it jump right into it and kept my attention all the way to the end.
I believe you did a great job balancing the description of the characters and setting their mood in the given situation.
Great job and keep it up. PM me if you find the time when your next work comes out.
-Dawn