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The Story Or Summer (Ch. 1): The Young Heroes
The Story of Summer (Ch. 2): A Secret
The Story Of Summer (Ch. 3): Chip
The Story Of Summer (Ch. 4): The Mad Scientist
The Story Or Summer (Ch. 5): Done
The Story Of Summer (Ch. 6): Fighting Off Fate
PROLOGUE
Darkness.
A man stands in the black, his face hidden because there is no light in the darkness to reveal his face. But a spotlight suddenly turns on, brightly illuminating the countenance of the man whose face was concealed only a few moments ago. Now his skinny but muscular frame, in the angle of the light, casts a long shadow on the floor. He stands straight and tall, not bothering to protect his eyes from the strong light by closing them or shielding them with his hands. He does not even blink. He is not blind: he can see. The beam starts to distort his vision, but he does not mind; he is used to this kind of torture. After all, he let them turn him into—he flexes his hands made of thousands of pieces of small boards holding artificial intelligence—this, didn't he?
A man—who is another human entity, an entirely different being from the man we were talking about earlier—who is hiding somewhere (most probably behind the spotlight), speaks with a very deep voice like those belonging to a movie trailer narrator: the only difference is his voice is fierce, not tame and coaxing.
“You know my plan—the plan—for you. Defeat the weakest first.”
The guy—who is the first man we were talking about, the man who likes to stare into bright luminosity—which we shall call from now on “the guy” to set him apart from the man with the deep voice—asks, “And which is the weakest?”
“You do not know?”
I would not be asking if I did, now would I? The guy thinks; but out of fear he simply says, “No.”
Silence.
“The Young Heroes of Philippines,” the voice says.
The guy reflects about what has just been said. His mind is like his environment: a brief light casting long, dark shadows with the matters that block its way. He stands in both light and darkness.
He doesn't know why he works for this evil man. Was it because he saved him? Well, he did save his mind and memories, and feelings and fears; but his body has been long gone.
But this man gave him a new body, now didn't he? Just as promised? Can he call himself saved? No; saving in partiality is no saving at all. Why does being alive matter if only half of his identity exists now? He'd rather be dead no matter how much he still wants to live.
But he can't kill himself. No. They won't let that happen. They'll find him even before he attempts to touch himself, then torture him the more.
There is a moment of silence. Then the man with the deep voice continues, “Kill them all. Spare no little bug.”
The guy clenches his fists and slowly and firmly says, “As you wish, my master.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya, porcupinestrongwill! This is wisegirl22 here for review day!
Well, let's start off with the errors, and then some praise. First of all, I see darkness is used two times, once in the beginning and one in the beginning paragraph.
" A man stands in the darkness,"
This doesn't exactly clash well, and I don't think this is a good start. You could say shadows, or define darkness on Google for synonyms.
Here, we see you used a semicolon. Good, but it's not used correctly. You could use a comma in replace of it.
"The guy thinks; but out of fear he simply says,"
It's important to use punctuation correctly.
I believe this is all. Now onto the praise.
I think that this was beautifully written, and you should definitely keep writing. Chapters always make you slack, according to me. But keep riding pink fluffy unicorns that look like cotton candy, and you'll do great!
-wisegirl22
thank you for your thoughts. x
Wow. Whenever somebody replies to one of my reviews, and I'm like, I haven't seen that person in a long time, I check the date of the review, and this one says August 31st 0_0. You'r totally welcome, though.
Hello, porcupine, Wolf here for a review.
This was quite interesting, and I am intrigued to read more. The tone is quite upbeat, maybe even playful, with the side notes of distinguishing the two men from each other, but I feel the mood is much darker and anxious. I can understand the need to do this, but it still feels more comical and unnecessary to me. Just something for you to think about.
Another thing, the beginning seems too repetitious and unnecessary as well. As the 'side note' suggests, if he's in the dark, obviously his face will not be exposed with light and you really don't have to tell us that. We're smart; we know these things. Unless you were trying to be comical? If that then I wouldn't recommend it, since it doesn't really fit with what's happening in the narration. Also, I feel like darkness and face are repeated far too many times in that part.
Still, I liked the mystery behind it, but I'm kind of wondering what the purpose of this is. Usually prologues should only be used to present information that cannot fit anywhere else in the novel, even though they are usually skipped over. With this is mind, I'm left to ponder what this could have anything to do other this novel, that I have not yet read, might I add. That's a great tactic to have to pull in new readers, and I commend you for that. I may check out your chapters later today, but I definitely will eventually. Anyways, Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
very helpful. thank you.
Wow! So, I thought this was a really cool piece. I literally could not stop reading. Now don't get offended by this, but while I was reading I kept thinking Terminator. (Yes, the movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger) The reason I tell you not to get offended is because I liked that movie, so bravo. Anyway, I thought this was really good. Keep up the good work
thank you very much.