
Ch. 3:
“Funny I haven’t received any messages and calls since morning,” Crystal says.
They’re in the Plane, on their way to the location of the mysterious signal. Neil narrows his eyes on her as if telling, “Out-of-the-blue much?” Crystal narrows her eyes back at his brother as if telling, “Just sayin'.” Sunshine’s eyes are in slits, too, contemplating on what Crystal has just said.
“Maybe people are finally tired of your blabber,” Derek comments, guffawing.
“No one ever gets tired of me like people get tired of you, Jelly Bean,” Crystal snaps back at Derek. She cranes her head back to stick out her tongue at him, and pulls it back, crouching in her seat, a tad hurt.
Derek pouts.
“So, Chip,” Crystal starts, “you’re Filipino, right?”
“By blood, yes.”
“You should get your Filipino citizenship right away. It’s cool to be Filipino. Like, a lot of people who are half-Filipinos who were born in another country wants to get their Filipino citizenship right away—”
“Yeah, because for them it’s fun and easy to be famous,” Derek interferes. “Look at the Azkals.” He uses a British accent when saying “Azkals” but does a poor imitation.
“Shut up, Disc.”
Chip only smiles a shy smile.
Then they were silent. All you can hear is the low hum of the Plane flying in a steady speed hundreds of feet in the air.
The silence reminds Sunshine of what happened last night. His indifference. His words: Be careful; I’m sorry. What could they mean? What could he mean?
The Plane’s detector beeps violently, punching Sunshine out of her abysmal reveries. “We’re here,” Sunshine declares.
They land safely on the shore of the island. Crystal jumps out, sinking her boots in white sand. “This place is beautiful,” she says.
Sunshine stares at her Phone, calculating the distance of the source of signal. “Eighty-five kilometers north-west.”
“Yes,” Chip rejoins, looking down at his own device. “We’re on the right island.”
“Team, Chip, let’s start hunting, shall we?” Sunshine leads them into the forest as the Plane sinks into the sand and water and camouflages itself.
Neil flies through the trees while the others slither through the forest. It is a rain-forest: orchids and air plants, trees with buttressed roots and branches crawled over with strangler figs. When they were only a few feet from the signal, they stop, letting Derek check out the exact location on his own.
They hide behind tree trunks. “Why don’t I get to check it out?” Crystal whispers to her sister.
“No time for petty arguments, sis. Please.”
“Well, at least if there’s a good security system he’d be disintegrated first.”
“It’s a small sinkhole!” Derek announces, voice in full volume, theatrical.
Sunshine flies towards him and gives him a whack at the arm. “Yes, give us away. That would be perfect,” she hisses. “Sky,” she looks up, a shadow hovering her, “guard us.”
Neil nods.
Crystal and Chip trails behind Derek and Sunshine. The four of them enter the sinkhole. It is small, and they could only slide in one by one. The narrow passage gradually widens and reveals a great, dark room. Sunshine raises a hand, ordering the others to halt.
Chip taps the wall.”Aluminum?”
Sunshine crouches and crawls into the vast space. She lits up a finger, faintly illuminating her path and her surrounding. She gapes at what she sees: statues. Her hand flames brighter. She stands up and walks, keeping a slow pace, touching the statues, their chiseled features. There are soldiers and aborigines, and monks, and mermaids and mermen, and a lot more. Sunshine whistles calmly, signaling the others to follow. She sounds like a bird lost in the cave, sending melodies of deliverance. But she isn’t lost. She’s awed.
Each of the Heroes is rather awed, too. “Wow,” Crystal keeps on whispering.
Derek touches the face of a what seems to be a statue of a Victorian princess. “Pretty.” Suddenly, its eyes illuminate an aqua blue and starts to move. Derek shrieks.
All the other statues starts moving, too, their eyes glaringly glowing.
A bright light turns on, which blinds them all for a second, robbing them of a chance to escape. The forms start to surround them. The soldiers prepare their machine guns, and the tribesmen their spears and arrows. The monks do Kung Fu poses, and the mermaids and mermen lift up their tridents. Crystal screeches in terror and is only stopped by a menacing laugh.
“Uh, Summer, I don’t think we should stay here any longer,” Derek whines. He doesn’t like the way the laugh is echoing around them, so strangely and scarily familiar.
“It’s kind of too late for that, Disc,” Sunshine answers, looking for the sinkhole by which they have entered. It was gone. It was a door. A trap.
Sunshine looks about her. Dead, bright eyes gaze back. The forms are steady, seemingly waiting for the order to attack. Sunshine readies herself to fight as well as the other Heroes.
An old man appears from the shadows. He is the source of the menacing laugh. His bald head is tilted and extended to the right as if he’s had three strokes. His mouth in a wide grin.
“What the hell—” Crystal scowls at the sight of the old man.
“Welcome,” the old man says in a shrill voice.
“The Mad Scientist,” Sunshine whispers. Chip, who has been silent all along, looks her way.
The old man laughs once more and clicks the buttons on his wrist. The robots start to shoot.
Derek throws his discs, Crystal her ice blades, both do it randomly, just like they are used to.
Chip shouts with a clear, strong voice that hovers over all other noises, “We have to work together!”
We have to work together, Sunshine repeats in her mind. How could she, the smartest one on the league, unanimously voted by everyone on the UHC jury to lead, to guide the Young Heroes of Philippines in their pursuit of justice, miss that? She feels her guts sink in. Though no one else seem to notice, she has never felt so embarrassed before.
“Disc, Crystal! Attack the robots! Sunshine,” Chip touches Sunshine’s arm. “I’ll help them out. You take down the scientist.” He speaks in such an authoritative tone Sunshine couldn’t refuse his orders even if she wanted to.
Sunshine goes straight to the old man, hearing Chip precisely direct each Hero. He speaks so firmly and surely. This distracts Sunshine and a mermaid catches her by the hair. She punches it, but only gets her fist hurt.
“Summer!” Chip dashes for her and sticks a chip on the robot. The mermaid wobbles and collapses.
Sunshine looks at Chip, surprised at his device, wondering why Chip doesn’t just attach a chip to all of the robots.
“I can’t put up a chip on all of them. They’re too many,” Chip says, as if reading Sunshine’s mind.
“But him…” Sunshine means the scientist.
Chip nods and calls the other Heroes for a brief keep-on-fighting-while-we-talk meeting. “We can’t fight them all off. We’ll have to get to him directly.”
Sunshine nods at him. Chip notices the way she’s giving him all of her attention and blushes.
“Winter!” Crystal is knocking down a tribe dude with her own spears made of ice. “Can you see the robot that the scientist is riding?”
“Um, why wouldn’t I? It’s as big as my closets arranged on top of each other like Lego blocks.”
Chip kicks a monk and continues. “You have to freeze that thing in. Then Disc will have to detonate it.”
“I like your idea!” She turns around.
“Winter, be careful not to lock the scientist inside the ice, okay?”
“Okay. But I’ll be happy if I accidentally do.”
Chip's lips partly opens in to what seems to be his gape..
“Kidding! Sheesh… I’m not that morbid,” and races off.
Chip summons Derek and Sunshine to hold back the robots.
“You’ll be a really great leader, Chip,” Sunshine remarks as she wrestles with a mermaid.
Chip smiles, wishing Sunshine wouldn’t notice the way his face is burning red.
It isn’t easy to get to the scientist because there are a lot of androids, but eventually, Crystal locks the scientist’s main robot in a block of ice and Disc attaches four explosives around it.
Three, two one… kaboom!
The androids simultaneously stop at the elimination of the Mad Scientist’s control. Chip, with the assistance of the Young Heroes of the Philippines, has saved the day!
Sunshine is tying up the Mad Scientist, waist-deep in thoughts of shame, when Derek found a way to open up the door. Neil hastily gets in.
“It’s okay,” Crystal assures her brother. “Summer's tyin’ up the old man,” and she narrates the story of how Chip led them to victory.
Derek, Neil and Crystal begin congratulating Chip, while Sunshine takes hold of the old man. He is squirming and trying to free himself from Sunshine’s grip, but he is as weak as a baby without his machines.
Sunshine evaluates the mission in her mind: It’s better than a good mission; it’s a successful mission. The first time in the history of the Young Heroes of Philippines they didn’t just “survive the day”—they “saved the day”—and all she did was to follow Chip. The way he led the group is outstanding, she admits. He was like the conductor of an orchestra.
Sunshine realizes that she had never orchestrated her team in a year like Chip could in a few hours She wishes she could. But how could she know how? There were no leadership training at UHC, much less an extensive one; did they expect all the leaders they choose to cope up on their own? Teach themselves through experiences? Maybe that's how it goes; but she— well, she hasn't gone a pedestal since day one of her being a leader. Her shoulders fall back. She feels so… so… It takes her a few minutes before coming up with the right word: she feels intimidated.
The intimidation manifests in her grip of the old man, because the old man yelps in pain. “Oh, I’m sorry!” and she loosens her hold. No time and space to get bitter. “Good job, Chip!” she yells. And she wishes that she means it.
Back at the tower, it’s a pizza party for the Heroes. They’re on the rooftop with loud music and a huge table cramped with different flavored pizzas and sodas. Sunshine has ordered it because she has big news.
“Lower down the music, sis!” Sunshine screams, Diet Coke in hand.
“I'm not your sis but,” Derek jokes as he turns off the speakers.
“It’s time for the big announcement,” Sunshine continues. “Tonight, before we let go of out good friend Chip, we’re going to ask Chip if he wants to be part of our team: the Young Heroes of the Philippines.”
Crystal squeals in delight. "I approve! I approve!"
Neil scowls. Even though he likes Chip a lot, he feels as if he’s become the replacement of their previous member, Dianna (a.k.a. Electricia). But he keeps silent.
Sunshine is looking at Chip, pleased at the way his mouth has twisted up with joy. As far as she knows, he’s not much of a talker. The way his eyes shine tells her he appreciates it. Maybe want it even. Chip could make a big difference. He’s got that attitude that says he can help and will save the day.
“Wait,” Derek says, “aren't you supposed to recruit only those who are already members of UHC?”
Sunshine takes a sip of her drink. “Nothing to worry about that. It can be taken care of— eventually. So,” turning to Chip, “what do you say?”
Chip nods.
“Welcome to the team, then, Chip..”
She sees his cheeks flush red as he whispers, “Thanks.”
The others cheer, even Neil. “Well, I hope your parents aren’t looking for you yet. You can’t tell them you’ve been saving the country or else you’ll blow up the Chip-thing.” Neil has meant it as a joke, but light-hearted things are not his forte.
Chip's smile whither away.
Neil says nothing to redeem or clear up his statement.
Sunshine pats Chip at the shoulder. “Now, I’m just going to fetch some ice cream. Have a cone before you leave.” She races downstairs and collapses on the hard, cold kitchen floor. She crawls over to a wall and hugs herself in the darkness. Having Chip in the team would be for the better, she reasons. But deep down inside she knows it isn’t the foremost reason for her impulsive decision.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I have a rule about not reading chapters out of order, but I wasn't even lost reading this! So that's cool. Before I get to nitpicks I'll you have awesome characters, and they're interactions with each other are adorable and engaging.
I would move this sentence to after your dialogue ends, as right now it interrupts the flow of the scene.Assuming I'm reading this sentence correctly, there are two typos. Gets should be get and your should be you.
Have you heard of this "show don't tell" frenzy? Here's an example of how you could apply it. Describe what Derek's specific pouting face looks like rather than just it, or you could delete those two words, because in this simple state they interrupt the flow of your story a little bit.
Be careful of using second person, it can get a little awkward. Instead of "All you can hear..." try "The only sound is..."
Try to avoid using thought verbs in your writing, such as remember, knew, imagines, realized, dreamed, etc... Instead try describing how this remembrance makes her feel or act, and we'll understand that she's remembering something.
Remember dialogue gets a new paragraph.
Are, instead of is...
Be careful of super wordy sentences or sentences that are clogged with weak words. They're unclear and less impactful than they should be. Something, "Chips shouts, louder than any of them guessed he could" or "Chips shouts, louder than any of them thought possible."
Be careful of thesis statements in your writing. They're like spoilers, we already know what this paragraph is about because you told us. Try describing what she's doing, "Does she sigh? gazing longing out the window? Hunch her shoulders? Using these will give us the same information while making your writing richer.
And that's it, let me know if you have any questions!
wow. very helpful review. thank you very much.
Hi! It's Aravis, here to review! Happy Review Day! I have not read the rest of your chapters, but I will still try to give you a helpful review!
First of all, I really like your cover thing! That is so cool! I also like the idea of the statues being robots-it's very creative! Can I assume that you are from the Philippines? Maybe I am totally wrong. It just seems that you have close ties with the Philippines from this chapter.
Critiques: most of my critiques will sort of be nitpicks as well. It seemed to me that you were struggling with some of the basics of writing in your haste to get your ideas across. Some of these things were quotation marks, verb tense, spelling, capitalization, and subject/verb agreement. Let me explain a little. Quotation marks and spelling I'm sure you can find yourself if you read it through slowly. Verb tense. You were mostly writing in the present. But as you went along, some verbs suddenly were in the past or past participle. I would go through and look at every verb to make sure it is in the correct tense. Capitalization. Words like plane and phone should not be capitalized. Then Subject/verb agreement. If you have a singular subject, you need a singular verb. For example: She falls. Her sister and she fall. Singular verbs often have an "s" at the end. Like I said, go back and edit by checking each verb's tense and if it agrees with its subject.
One thing that helps me is to read the whole portion out loud to yourself or to a friend. If it sounds awkward out loud, it definitely sounds awkward to a reader.
"The skill to write comes from writing."
Go Team Plasma!
oh, i'm sure these were thing i just overlooked. thank you very much for the helpful review. i will take your advice of reading everything out loud. porcey xoxo
P.S. yes, i'm from Philippines.
*things i overlooked and mistyped.