“I thought I told you to be careful.”
“I am being careful. What makes you think I’m not?” It’s fifty minutes past two in the morning. Sunshine searched for a nearby telephone booth in the city. Her phone’s still not working, and she can’t figure out why and how to fix it.
“Then why suddenly tell me you’ve recruited a random guy into the Team because you need him? He’s been with you for only one day, for one mission. For crying out loud, Sunshine, whatever you do he’s a complete stranger. I’m not allowing this. I want you to kick him out of—”
“You can’t tell me what to do.” The row of flaming words he’s thrown at her. The anger in his voice. Does he even have the right to talk to her like that?
“It’s all a trap, Sunshine. Think.”
“I am thinking!” Sunshine explodes, grateful that no one is waiting for his or her turn for the booth. Thankful she’s alone. She screams it so loud her voice produces a noise in the phone’s playback. “What makes you think I'm not?” She tries to compose herself so not to attract authorities.
“Sun, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His voice softens, but he is panting. “But… you—I meant you have to think objectively. I think this guy’s a phony. Don’t you trust me?”
Sunshine grits her teeth. Doesn’t she trust him? The moment he asked, she knows she couldn't answer. She doesn’t know. She once did. But now? There is a lack of evidence in his assertion, and hasn’t he become the stranger himself?
“I once did,” she says. She clenches her free hand and strikes at her chest. She is choking. “I once did, Rick.” She pronounces each word with great articulation. She is mad. Frustrated. Desperate. Tears start to spill out of her eyes. “I once trusted you.” The last word came out as a sigh.
Rick is silent.
When she has steadied herself, she continues through chokes, “I'm sorry... but I don’t really know if I should… I mean, again. I want to. I want…”
“Sunshine, I—”
“Maybe I wasn’t thinking. You’re right. There’s been too much on my mind. The way my team has been acting like noobs, the way I lead them. And then there’s you. You. I want to know how you are. Every day, well, every minute I keep on wondering how you are. If you’re all right. ‘Cause you don’t visit me much anymore. You don’t even call. You never initiate any conversation. Well, you do. But you never let it go there...” She knows she’s not making full sense, but she continues, “I want to know how you’ve been doing. If you’re still on that underground mission. If you’ve caught the terrorist…”
Rick punches something hard. Sunshine hears the loud thud.
“I don’t know anything about you anymore. I’ve been trying to reach you but you won’t let me. We’ve drifted apart, Rick. So, so fa—” Sunshine’s words are cut by her whimpers.
“I want you to know, too…” Rick pants. “Maybe I should visit you to—”
“Don’t.” Sunshine wipes her tears. She inhales and continues firmly, “Please, don’t. Just don’t.”
“I thought you want to talk. Sunshine I can’t afford so much shifting of thinking.”
“Well, I do, but… not now! I have a lot of things in mind. I… I just… I can’t talk to you right now.”
She hangs up.
Chapter List
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello porcupinestrongwill!
I think this needs to be two words.Sorry I took soooooooooo long! I'll make up for it. First off, was that a break up I just read? They seemed pretty close. But I was thinking this chapter might be good for a later date, because we don't really know Rick that well, it doesn't pack as big a punch. Unless it's important to the plot, then I can understand. One quick error:
Otherwise, it's great. Can't dally much longer or I won't get to the next chapters.
~Kelpies.
Hi! Aravis, here to review! Happy Review Day!
I just wanted to start by saying- this is a way better chapter than your last one! It had less mistakes and it was easier to read. Also, your trailer is so cool! How did you do that?!
Critiques: jazzydracula caught the tenses issue I was going to mention. Editing and reading out loud would help you so much!
Your dialogue here was just a bit stiff. I know this is a breakup moment, but it seems a bit too dramatic, almost like a soap opera. I'm not sure exactly because I'm not into romantic novels. Maybe this is how all romances are. Idk.
Also, this is a VERY short chapter. Like super short. Maybe you could combine some of your next chapter with this chapter. Sometimes I have to do that too.
Overall, an interesting plot. "The skill to write comes from writing."
GO Team Plasma!
I forgot to ask...What is a noob?
a noob is a slang term for newbie, i believe. thank you very much for checking out my work. and for complimenting my trailer.
Hello! I'm here to give you a review.
Okay, so first for the little typos...
Your fingers typed too fast and you missed the space.
Your tenses don't agree. You could do 'softened and was panting' or 'softens and he is panting'.
You mixed up the tenses again here, and a few other times in the chapter. I suggest you read through and fix that up, if you need help just ask.
I love this long bit of speech! You constructed it well and you've really done a great job at showing Sunshine's emotions.
Overall, it's a great chapter. Just fix up the tenses and it will be perfect. Keep going with this story.
This review was brought to you by the smashing Team Aqua!