A lot of things have changed over the months. Against his will Derek trashed the video games and focused on his discs. This was a command from Sunshine that he must obey. He couldn’t get over it at first, getting teary-eyed and all, but he soon found out that creating is more fun than sitting around in front of a screen beating up virtual robots. Now he has taken the habit of sitting in his room inventing a new disc device almost every day.
The others, too, under Sunshine’s orders, have their respective special trainings. They never could have done it without Joe’s supervision, though. He was the one who tested them—the one who found their strengths and weaknesses both physically and mentally, and gave them each a training schedule and a diet chart to follow faithfully.
Joe, too, as a member of the team, has his own training schedule. It appears that he’s not only a chip-geek, but also has a knack for guns. He can shoot a five-millimeter bull’s eye from a quarter of kilometer range with a handgun whatever the weather was. The boys find this one of the 'coolest thing ever'; but it has the opposite effect on the twins. It scares them, especially Crystal. Sometimes she would pass by the open-air shooting arena and see Joe do the stunt and feel like gagging. She couldn’t miss the fact that now Joe knows them more than ever, their weaknesses and their strengths, and could strike at any time. When she told Derek about it, he only laughed at her as if it wasn’t anything serious and dismissed the thought. (It was the end of their short-lived close friendship.) Crystal is deeply terrorized and she has no one to discuss it with. Not Rick, who hasn’t shown himself since the night he visited her; not even her sister, not when their relationship hasn’t recovered since their little tiff the last time they had a dinner date. They wouldn't talk about serious things, wouldn't talk at all, wouldn't bond; and Crystal secretly keeps to herself the thousands of nightmares she has had in the middle of the night, when Joe has finally revealed himself as Joseph Prutt to finish them all off. Gradually it’s eating her. She’s been waiting for it, anticipating it with anxiety.
But it never happens. Soon the team, after turning serious with their jobs, with an aim to level with the international superheroes, have silenced critics. Sunshine could see their performances have become flawless, not random and unsure. She wants the country and the world to see their capabilities to execute their missions perfectly, not failing one of them.
One night, while eating pizza (they only cheat on their strict diets when a huge mission has been accomplished—in this case, saving the president), Sunshine pats Joe’s shoulder and says, “Joe, I give the leadership to you.”
Everyone in the room gasps.
“I—I don't think...” Joe trails off, not looking at anyone. "What if they won't agree..." he adds in a whisper.
Crystal storms out of the room. Neil and Derek look at each other, then at their new leader. Neil stares; Derek shrugs. Joe lowers his head more.
“You can’t ask them. It’s my decision. I'm retiring from the position. I want you to lead the Team—me.” Sunshine takes her hand away from Joe’s shoulder and goes out of the room to look for Crystal.
Crystal’s bedroom door is left ajar. Sunshine can hear her weep.
She whispers, “Crys…” Sunshine enters and closes the door behind her.
Crystal is on the bed.
“Crys, I’m sorry if I’ve shocked you.” She sits beside her sister, watching her discreetly blow her nose on her velvet handkerchief. What can she say? Crystal’s still this pretty, young lady who loves Prada bags and Maybelline nail polish.
Crystal turns her bloodshot eyes to her sister. “It’s been depressing this month. I’d get woken up at three in the morning by a nightmare where Joe is slitting my throat.”
Sunshine wants to hug Crystal, but instead she watches a tear fall straight down to her sister’s chin. She can’t help but cry, too. “Oh, Crystal! I’m so sorry.”
“No, Shine. Don’t apologize. I probably was the one wrong believing that stupid you-know-what.” Crystal laughs.
Sunshine raises a brow.
“It starts with a D." Crystal pulls Sunshine in an embrace, briefly releasing.
Sunshine stifles a laugh, shaking her head, watching the pretty lady and her mischievous mind. “Are you all right now?”
“Yeah, really. I’ve just realized how stupid I was.”
“We both were, Crys. We both were.”
“Don’t forget that stupid you-know-what-it-starts-with-a-D!”
“Crystal, please stop calling him that. He has a name.”
Crystal laughs at her sister’s serious face. Slowly, she stops herself and asks, “Are you guys really over now?”
“I’m not even sure we ever were together, Crys.”
“So…” Crystal sniffs. She lays back, cradling her head in her hands. “I guess you have a new boyfriend.”
Sunshine chokes, the way a person sometime chokes with air. “What?” Her face turns a bright red strawberry.
Crystal laughs.
“No, Crys.” Sunshine shakes her head.
“Yes, Shine.” Crystal nods her head.
“When will you stop accusing me of nonexistent romantic relationships?”
“But you spend half of your time with Joe!”
“I do not! Oh, my god… Crys! Stop it please!”
“And the way that you look at each other. Oh my, golly-gosh!” she squeals.
Sunshine grabs a pillow and strikes at Crystal, who snatches the pillow from her sister’s hands and strikes back. Sunshine seizes another one.
“Oh, sister. You are a you-know-what-it-starts-with-a-S!”
“Shut up, Crystal!”
The room is filled with giggles.
Oh, Joe. Joe, who is so shy he has worn back his mask and refused interviews from the media; saving the day is enough. Joe, the possible Joseph Pratt, who dwells amidst them, leading them—and where? To victory? Or death? Deep inside, Sunshine knows her actions have been guided not by Wisdom, but by Pride—sweet, deadly Pride.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello porcupinestrongwill,
One thing I can't find... Chapter 8. I'm just wondering where it was. Otherwise, it's wonderful, a nice resolution, but there are still a couple loose ends, I'm eager to hear how they turn out. In my opinion, Joe is a little creepy. Finding out all their strengths and weaknesses, that's just... I wouldn't trust any one person with that kind of power. And for diets? *Shakes head* I'm still with Rick, there's something fishy going on.
~Kelpies.
omg. this IS the chapter 8. lol. mistyped. thanks for pointing that out. x
Your welcome.
Timmy here!
This was a very interesting chapter, and I like the correlation between all the characters. This seems to be a very close-knit group of theirs, and I love how they are all training. For what, I do not know. I won't look at your plot and whatnot, because I know I am missing things by popping in when you are already really into the book.
Your style is very simplistic, with almost no description and even the action is brief and not really pulled out and extrapolated. But it is your style, so I am not going to nitpick there. It does move along rather quickly - almost like you are shoving us along. Sometimes I was lost in the speed of it all, and was left wondering what was going on, and how was doing what, because you didn't focus on anything at all. Just zoom! through it all. Sometimes I think you could have shown so more emotions on the character's part. Like this place, for instance:
You are doing a narrative of the action, but aren't really stopping to focus on the character's emotions at all. It's like they are just doing this.... but feeling nothing, and I don't think that is how you want to express stuff. And the actions. How they do things is just as important as the thought. Is the hug a tentative thing? Or is it just a spontaneous thing, both of them thinking the same thing at the same time. You say: they hug. Well... more in depth there, please! Just a little bit. Extrapolate on that idea, and give us some of their emotions while they are hugging. You don't have to do much, but their sister relationship seemed a little strained because of what Sunshine did, giving up her position as leader, and it would have been nice to see more of what their thoughts, opinions, and emotions entailed.
I thought and thought about this, and came up with the same answer each time. Nope. Nope. Absolutely impossible. A handgun is a very hard weapon to aim well at with long distance, and fifty yards is a really long shot - almost impossible when shooting at such a small object. The sights wouldn't just completely cover up the target, but would pose such a big hole in the shooting sight, the person wouldn't even be able to see the bull's eye - perhaps not even the target. Now, with a rifle, there is a difference. People have shot that well before with super duper rifles, and I think that would be more realistic.
Also, one more thing: If you are going to do millimeters, then do kilometers for distance. If you are going to do miles, then do inches for measurement. But don't mix up the two. Stick to one, and you won't confuse your reader. Remember that how your character uses measurement also entails where they're from. If they're from England (or the European side of things, for that matter) then they would be using the metric. But if they're from America, which is what things sound like, then it would be inches, feet and miles - whatnot.
I hope this helps! Go Reviewing Is the New Black for review day!
~Darth Timmyjake
wow. lovely review. thank you.
Hey there, porcupinestrongwill! Here I am representing Team Green on this fabulous Review Day. First, I'll lay out a few things I thought you did well here and then I'll try my best to offer you some constructive criticisms later in the review.
The first thing I liked about this chapter was the way your characters are each explained to your reader and how their respective abilities and personalities come out through the descriptions of their training regiments. I'm not sure exactly what this story is about and I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I could still get a good, clear sense of what each of your main characters was about. Often, handling more than two or three mains at a time can make things complicated for writers and lead to confusing dialogue and characters that end up becoming flat or dull, but here you've managed them extremely well. If you've kept them this fresh so far in the novel, I'd say now is the time to add in some development and take the next step towards advancing the plot.
Another thing I enjoyed about this piece was the narrative voice and the style of writing. It's always interesting when a novelist goes ahead and really invests themselves into their work and that's when their unique voice comes to life. The clear-cut syntax and observatory point of view make for an easy read that is still relatively sophisticated in respect to characters and plot dynamic. Good stuff there.
As far as constructive criticisms go, I've only got one to offer you. I think that while you've already mastered the hard parts (the character design and narrative voice) now is the time to go ahead and kick it up a notch. Throw your characters through a few hoops and spice up the plot with some interesting conflicts. The future holds bright things for this novel, and I think now is definitely the time to get things moving forward and towards a climax.
Thanks for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading it and hope this review helps you moving forward.
wow. such a helpful review. thanks so much. porcey x