Though pains of the past still haunt
like the shadow in a corner.
The sound of hatred told yesterday,
is still echoing in your head,
and it seems to matter so completely.
Promises have been broken,
hearts have shattered on the floor,
nothing seems to have changed.
Once you had everything to lose,
it is now lost;
wilted and gone.
Remember, dear friend,
that yesterday is always behind you.
Though regrets are easy to find,
they should not direct the life ahead of you
But, there,
you look to tomorrow,
searching for a sign of gold.
When nothing you see seems bright,
you throw your body down.
How do you know tomorrow will ever come,
are you sure of what is around the next bend?
Do not look so far ahead you do not see the beauty that surrounds you.
Is where you are standing now,
looking everywhere but here,
the place you want to be?
The person you are,
is it who you want to be?
Forget the past,
no matter how hard you try,
screaming at yesterday will solve no problem.
And though tomorrow should be prepared for,
do not dwell on it,
today has an importance above all.
Your life is yours,
do not spend your waking hours
closing your eyes to today
letting it pass you by.
Today is all you have,
Live it how you’re meant to.
Be who you’re meant to be,
without the interference of the future or past.
~~
Be as nice or as hard as you want to. I welcome any and all opinions.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
Hi phantom,
It's either a shadow or it's in a corner. A shadow in a corner sounds pretentious. Double derivative, if you will.
This poem seems to be drowning - that is, it rushes up through the surface of the water for gulps of air and sinks down into the murk just as quickly. Sound of hatred, echoing. That's an image you can work with, play with, but you don't. So do it. Why does it echo instead of trawling off into the abyss? Why does it keep coming back?
Shattering hearts, same thing. Use that half-image you've presented and turn it whole. Are the hearts glass plates, containers for the food of life? It seems so and yet the reader is driven mad because you don't expand on it, just leave it floating past the point of acceptance.
Wilted. Why wilted? Now I am getting an impression of a flower, although that was never foretold and the preceding imagery runs uncomfortably into this one. Choose an image or two and go with it; the last thing you need is to include two opposite images in the same stanza (unless you intend the paradox).
Cut this out. Just cut it. It serves no purpose and reeks of utter pretentiousness. You're not writing a graduation speech, so don't act like it.
You're just not getting the point of poetry, are you? Try reading this out loud, pretend that you're the one hearing it in your heard from another source. It sounds mocking, over-the-top, and patronizing. It's shock full of cliches ("around the next bend", "the person you are...who you want to be") that are so overused that they've become the thing of comedy.
See above. I won't bother dissecting this last part because honestly, it doesn't deserve it. The whole thing is over-wrought and literally every line - every line! - has been used thousands and hundreds of thousands of times before in speeches and hasty farewells. It's...a Hallmark card that I can buy for fifty cents at Walgreens. Nothing more. Possibly less.
Overall, this piece is absurd and hardly worth being placed under poetry. The first two stanzas may be salvaged if you really want to keep them, as they have potential, but the rest has to go. Write something else.
Hope that helped.
Keep you stanzas the same length. No offence, but it seemed choppy when the first stanza was five lines and the next was six with four lines in the next stanza.
Split these two stanzas up. It'll look nicer and make it easier to read.
You seem to be emulating the essence of Max Ehrman, and that's a good thing. On capitalizing the lines, consider what style you are using. Does your capitalization (or lack of it) at the beginning of certain lines contribute to the point that you are trying to convey? (I personally think you don't have to capitalize since this appears like it could be considered as a poetic prose, in which case check lines such as:
"Today is all you have,
Live it how you’re meant to."
I think your theme (although interesting) isn't really fresh. That is still ok, but like what Ezra Pound said "make it new".
-Tyler
Reminded me a bit of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (probably because I just read it). I'd recommend it; it's a good book.
Now on to your poem: I think its strongest asset was the voice of the speaker. I pictured a wise old man speaking.
So, in reading this for the first time, I didn't really understand the point of the poem until the third stanza. I think the first two stanzas could be a bit more focused and get you to your point sooner.
You have a period after the first two lines, but this is a fragment. I think the "though" is out of place. "Though" suggests a contrast, but what comes after the period is more like a continuation of the first two lines, no? So maybe 86 the "though" and make the period a comma.
I don't understand the third line's point in the poem. What is the "nothing" that you're talking about? And "it is now lost" is awkwardly worded. I think "now it is lost" would flow better.
Run On.
The wording of these questions is so unnatural, it is hard for the reader to decipher the meaning.
The punctuation here is confusing. You are really ending one idea with "past" and beginning a new one with "no", but neither your spelling nor your capitalization indicates it.
The passive voice here is a bit strange, too.
I like these lines.
Good start!
-rachel
Ooh this was really good. Actually, I loved it. Not only was the writing itself good, but I loved the message. Favorite part:
Oh this poem gives me the chills.
Two little nit-picks though. Firstly, the beginning of every line should be capitalized, even if it isn't a new sentence. Secondly, you should try and make every stanza the same length. There's not much you can do about that here without changing the entire poem, but just for future reference.
Yet again, amazing job. Gold star!