I woke up one morning,
And looked in the mirror,
I found my skin fully of acne,
My hair out of control.
When I got dressed, nothing looked right.
I didn't have the right shoes,
'I'm ugly,' I thought,
And turned around.
A man stood, holding a shotgun.
Holes were in his feet, side, and hands.
"Oh, dear Jesus help me!" I cried,
The man said, "I Am."
The first shot rang out,
Glass shattered, and I look around.
The mirror behind me,
Was now all over the ground.
He walked out of the room,
Again I heard the shattering glass.
Over and over he destroyed the mirrors,
Much to my dismay.
When every mirror was gone,
He came back and started to talk,
His voice full of kindness and love.
These were his gentle words:
"Your beautiful child!"
I stared in disbelief as he went on,
"I created you,
That's what really counts."
The mirror is all wrong
Don't listen to what it says."
He was gone in a moment,
And I woke from the dream.
I walked past the mirror without a glance,
I brushed my hair, got dressed,
All without a care.
As I walked out the door I heard a voice in my head:
"That's my beautiful little girl."
I smiled and said,
"Yes, it is."
And continued on my way.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hi Risa. Love the poem and idea.
Most of the mistakes have been pointed out and you should fix them.
Whoo Hoo! Go ratings! I agree!
Reepicheep won the duel and Peepiceek must stay behind whille Reepicheep goes on the Dawn Treader. The problem is that you will be there. AHH!
The idea of Jesus having a shotgun is... er... interseting. If I wrote the poem, it would have probably been a hammer instead, but it is your poem.
I posted on Elemental! Ha Ha! Haven is Jealous!
I leave you with this. Fix the mistakes, hope you're ready for your audition, bombs away and anchors ahead.
Bye Risa!
I love this poem. It was an original idea, something I've seldom come across.
Sadie pointed out all your errors, so I'll leave you to improve the poem. Overall, it was quite good.
7 out of 10 for you. Fix the mistakes, and it'll go higher (lol).
Keep writing, and good luck!
Whoo-hoo! Right on sister! That was excellent! lol I loved it ^^ Really if anyone has anything bad to say about this it's either because the structure, which is fine the way it is but if you really wanted to you could bring them closer together (which isn't really essential to the poem itself so it's really not a big deal), or they don't like the whole Jesus thing. It's a shame really, but I guess they'll find out sooner or later =/ .Other than that this poem was great!
Uh, that's one hell of a dream you got there. Sorry, I think it a bit surreal that Jesus would have a gun and blast your mirror to pieces for reflecting your image back at you.....wasn't the mirror's fault. Anywho, regardless of my opinions concerning the poor mirror, I must say it was a really cute poem. I liked the message, it made me laugh, and yeah....have a good day.
But time for my critique!
Yes, good poem and all, but I think your divisions of stanza's don't make sense. The voice in the head and what it says shouldn't be divided, unless it's enough for a stanza, and it's not, it's only a line. I would clump some of those stanzas together, because it seems a bit too spacey (thought wise) for my liking. Furthermore, uh....it's weird how there's no distinct rhythm or rhyme scheme and yet you feel confined to quadruplets. It's unnerving. If you are going to do free-verse, just do it. I think I'd like it better all put together anyway......
...I know dot's usually mean you are going to add something but, I like to end with them...
Bye.
Hello Phantom_Blackfire_Wings,
-And looked in the Mirror,-
the M in mirror shouldn't be capatalised.
-When I got dressed, nothing looked right-
Period after this sentence.
-Holes were in his feet, side, and hands,-
Period instead of a comma.
-The first shotrang out,-
Shot rang, two words ma dear.
-When every mirror was gone-
Comma after this.
-"The mirror is all wrong
Don't listen to what it says."-
After wrong, there should be a comma, or better yet, a semi colan.
-And I woke from the dream,-
Period instead of a comma.
As I walked out the door I heard a voice in my head
You should put one of those : things after this line.
I liked this.
-Sadie