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The First Rainfall..

by DivergentDemigod


I remember the sky being overcast when I went to bed last night.

I had gone to the terrace, (as usual) last night to see the Orion in the sky, it was my favourite pastime, to look at stars and try and gather them into constellations. I don’t know why, but just looking at them soothed me, and the fact that there were so many of them just fascinated me.

But tonight, to my utter disappointment, only a few stars could be seen peeking through the clouds. And the lack of stars in the night sky ultimately bored me and eventually I gave into my tiredness and went to get some sleep.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of a million horse stomping at my bedroom celling- which by the way was actually the sound of rain falling . I curled in my bed and tried to hold on to the moment for just another moment, I’ve always loved the sound of rain. There was even a sudden change in the temperature due to the continuous raining. so I got off the bed and turned the celling fan off. I then peeped out the window, unable to contain my curiosity and of course dark rain bearing clouds were roaming the whole sky, dropping each drop of rain at a steady rhythm. Trees by the roadside looked freshly bathed, and were waving as if rejoicing themselves in the first showers of monsoon.

The raindrops pattering on my window pane seemed to be call me outside to enjoy the rain and suddenly I was reminded of The song of the rain by William Wordsworth, the rain really seemed to be a messenger of love and the sign of peace and happiness.

Staring at the picture of immense beauty outside, I had nearly forgotten that I had just woke up and that I was hungry, and as if on cue my stomach growled. I smiled to myself , got dressed in some comfy shorts and t-shirt and went downstairs. The rain had reduced to drizzle by now.

After having my breakfast I went and sat in the veranda and listened to the pitter-patter sound made by the rain. Every flower in the lawn was a fresh sight and a fresh colour. The garden looked green and fresh and seriously I thought I could stare at this sight all day and still not get bored of it.

It continued to drizzle till the late afternoon. The rest of the day was pleasant with cold wind blowing. When the night fell, I could still smell the wet earth from the first rainfall of summer.

(442 words)


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Points: 644
Reviews: 4

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Tue Jun 21, 2016 10:46 am
rehaan wrote a review...



Is it just me or did I unwittingly spawn a new wave of flash fiction writers? I'm glad that you decided to try out flash fiction as your first short story in prose. However, there are many seams in this one, and I'm going to gladly rip them apart for you :)

There are no brakes on the Roast Train.

For your first short story, it's actually quite alright, but not as a flashfic. It feels more like a chapter from a larger story or a novel in terms of writing style. Or even worse, it looks like an entry from a giddy Dan and Phil fangirl (hue).

First paragraph in, and I'm feeling drawn in. This one-sentence paragraph of yours is a good way to start a flash fiction. It gives the readers information to start with, but not too much that we don't lose interest. Thus, we want to find out more. You've taken this from YA novels, haven't you?

Now, the second paragraph is where everything starts to get rocky. For example, you wouldn't need to drop that "as usual" when the rest of the story says it is a habit of your main character. And there's so much unnecessary information. This is actually a more personal one, but I'd remove the second sentence in the second paragraph, because it's unnecessary, already evident, and can be expressed through clever wording. Despite that though, you expressed your main character's fascination with the stars very detailed and very well.

Third paragraph. It was going so well, until you killed it with your diary-entry writing style in the second sentence. Look, you're not writing another diary entry, nor are you casually recalling an experience with a friend over Starbucks. You're telling a story for all ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls to listen to, and you have to tell it well.

Fourth paragraph. Though the GRAMMAR wasn't on point, your hyperbole with the "horse stomping" was actually good. Until you killed it again with that "btw" note. Also:

"I curled in my bed and tried to hold on to the moment for just another moment." Read this aloud and tell me if you feel anything wrong, awkward or redundant with this sentence.

Also, don't just tell us that your main character loved the sound of rain or the temperature dropped. Show us! Maybe your MC felt at peace just hearing the constant pitter-patter of the rain on her roof, or maybe she shivered because of the cold the constant raining caused.

Also, more unnecessary info! Do you think we needed to know that your main character just stood up and turned off the fan? Do you think this is important, relevant to the theme, or drives the plot onward? Also, the personification about the rain isn't appropriate. Clouds can't move very fast, let alone "roam" the whole sky. Maybe "ruled" would be a better verb for it.

Also, how would we know it was the first rainfall in a long time? I know you tried to use the clouds covering the stars as a hint, but it's too subtle to be noticed immediately.

The next paragraphs are pretty much these mistakes recurring, but I'll point them out anyway.

Fourth paragraph. Don't you think it would be better to actually quote the poem/song you mentioned?

Fifth paragraph. More diary-entry style. Your main character's morning routine is not very relevant. I know you tried to use this as a transitioning device to drive the plot onward, but you're putting too much emphasis on this very trivial set of details.

Sixth paragraph. More daily routines. Miniscule details. And more diary entry. The last line is simply a turnoff at this point, and doesn't provide much to the description of the outside. Also, you didn't describe it well enough. More details about the outside, maybe?

Seventh paragraph isn't so bad, but the damage was done already. At this point the reader would be too uninterested or turned off to actually appreciate this good ending line. Still, you provided that memorable ending line, like you always do. Props to you for that.

Overall, it's alright, but not as a flash fiction. Too much unnecessary details, and the writing style isn't reminiscent of a flash fiction's. On top of that, it seems like this piece constantly fights itself. Your figures of speech are good at times, but it just gets ruined by the next sentences.

Alright, since you're a poet by nature (at least for me), I'll give you a tip. Think of flash fiction not as a short short story, but as a short narrative poem, but written in prose. Poetry, but in prose. Hopefully that change in perspective makes flash fiction easier for you to transition to.

Another tip: Like in poetry, every word in a flash fiction should count. There's nothing wrong with adding very flowery and picturesque details, so long as they're relevant. Look at every word and ask yourself: does this word relate to the theme or mood, reveal character, or advance the plot?

Despite all of this, though, you told a longer story in just a few hundred words, and that's all that matters when you write flash fiction. Anyways, I hope you keep on writing flash fiction, and I'll see your works again in the future.






dude did u just copy outvader's review????



cleverclogs says...


Three times, it would seem.





srsly?



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Fri May 27, 2016 3:41 am
Guerillix wrote a review...



Hello, short review.

I liked the cadence of this story, there was a lot of useless information, but it sounded good!

" so I got off the bed and turned the celling fan off. I then peeped out the window, unable to contain my curiosity and of course dark rain bearing clouds were roaming the whole sky, dropping each drop of rain at a steady rhythm. "

These sentences really got my goat. The first letter isn't capitalized, ceiling is misspelled, and the second scentance runs on past the deep end.

Besides that I enjoyed reading it, good job!




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Thu May 26, 2016 4:53 pm
Kazumi wrote a review...



Is it just me or did I unwittingly spawn a new wave of flash fiction writers? I'm glad that you decided to try out flash fiction as your first short story in prose. However, there are many seams in this one, and I'm going to gladly rip them apart for you :)

There are no brakes on the Roast Train.

For your first short story, it's actually quite alright, but not as a flashfic. It feels more like a chapter from a larger story or a novel in terms of writing style. Or even worse, it looks like an entry from a giddy Dan and Phil fangirl (hue).

First paragraph in, and I'm feeling drawn in. This one-sentence paragraph of yours is a good way to start a flash fiction. It gives the readers information to start with, but not too much that we don't lose interest. Thus, we want to find out more. You've taken this from YA novels, haven't you?

Now, the second paragraph is where everything starts to get rocky. For example, you wouldn't need to drop that "as usual" when the rest of the story says it is a habit of your main character. And there's so much unnecessary information. This is actually a more personal one, but I'd remove the second sentence in the second paragraph, because it's unnecessary, already evident, and can be expressed through clever wording. Despite that though, you expressed your main character's fascination with the stars very detailed and very well.

Third paragraph. It was going so well, until you killed it with your diary-entry writing style in the second sentence. Look, you're not writing another diary entry, nor are you casually recalling an experience with a friend over Starbucks. You're telling a story for all ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls to listen to, and you have to tell it well.

Fourth paragraph. Though the grammar wasn't on point, your hyperbole with the "horse stomping" was actually good. Until you killed it again with that "btw" note. Also:

"I curled in my bed and tried to hold on to the moment for just another moment." Read this aloud and tell me if you feel anything wrong, awkward or redundant with this sentence.

Also, don't just tell us that your main character loved the sound of rain or the temperature dropped. Show us! Maybe your MC felt at peace just hearing the constant pitter-patter of the rain on her roof, or maybe she shivered because of the cold the constant raining caused.

Also, more unnecessary info! Do you think we needed to know that your main character just stood up and turned off the fan? Do you think this is important, relevant to the theme, or drives the plot onward? Also, the personification about the rain isn't appropriate. Clouds can't move very fast, let alone "roam" the whole sky. Maybe "ruled" would be a better verb for it.

Also, how would we know it was the first rainfall in a long time? I know you tried to use the clouds covering the stars as a hint, but it's too subtle to be noticed immediately.

The next paragraphs are pretty much these mistakes recurring, but I'll point them out anyway.

Fourth paragraph. Don't you think it would be better to actually quote the poem/song you mentioned?

Fifth paragraph. More diary-entry style. Your main character's morning routine is not very relevant. I know you tried to use this as a transitioning device to drive the plot onward, but you're putting too much emphasis on this very trivial set of details.

Sixth paragraph. More daily routines. Miniscule details. And more diary entry. The last line is simply a turnoff at this point, and doesn't provide much to the description of the outside. Also, you didn't describe it well enough. More details about the outside, maybe?

Seventh paragraph isn't so bad, but the damage was done already. At this point the reader would be too uninterested or turned off to actually appreciate this good ending line. Still, you provided that memorable ending line, like you always do. Props to you for that.

Overall, it's alright, but not as a flash fiction. Too much unnecessary details, and the writing style isn't reminiscent of a flash fiction's. On top of that, it seems like this piece constantly fights itself. Your figures of speech are good at times, but it just gets ruined by the next sentences.

Alright, since you're a poet by nature (at least for me), I'll give you a tip. Think of flash fiction not as a short short story, but as a short narrative poem, but written in prose. Poetry, but in prose. Hopefully that change in perspective makes flash fiction easier for you to transition to.

Another tip: Like in poetry, every word in a flash fiction should count. There's nothing wrong with adding very flowery and picturesque details, so long as they're relevant. Look at every word and ask yourself: does this word relate to the theme or mood, reveal character, or advance the plot?

Despite all of this, though, you told a longer story in just a few hundred words, and that's all that matters when you write flash fiction. Anyways, I hope you keep on writing flash fiction, and I'll see your works again in the future.




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Wed May 25, 2016 7:38 am
viclemore wrote a review...



Hey! Victoria here with a short review!

Since someone already covered the grammar mistakes etc, I'll comment on your writing style etc.

I really like how this "story" is written, you use a lot of great metaphors and words I'm fond of.

"I woke up to the sound of a million horse stomping at my bedroom ceiling" is a great metaphor, but maybe it's not necessary to explain that the sound was in fact rain, show don't tell.




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Tue May 24, 2016 12:31 am
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CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there phangirldivergent46. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

First off, we need to address all of the mistakes in your description. Granted they are all typos but they still bothered me and made me wary of the text.

just something....written by me nd my cousin sis (442 words)

-The 'j' in 'just' does of course need to be in caps.
-You have too many dots in the ellipsis and I don't even think that is the proper use.
-'nd' slips by as a typo in my mind but the lack of commas is something easily recognized. Please re-order the list of authors.
- A period at the end isn't necessary but would be nice so the word count wouldn't be in parenthesis.
-Just a mere suggestion, take it whatever way you please. Personally, when I spot so many mistakes, it turns me off to the work and I can't focus on much else.

I had gone to the terrace, (as usual) last night to see the Orion in the sky, it was my favourite pastime, to look at stars and try and gather them into constellations.

-This doesn't settle well with me and I really think it would be best to split the sentence in two. Also, please rid the sentence of either the comma after 'terrace' or the parenthesis around 'as usual'. Personally I would get rid of the parenthesis. The edited version of your sentence is below.
I had gone to the terrace, (as usual) as usual, last night to see the Orion in the sky,. It was my favourite pastime, To look at stars and try and gather them into constellations, was my favorite pastime.


The raindrops pattering on my window pane seemed to be call me outside to enjoy the rain and suddenly I was reminded of The song of the rain by William Wordsworth, the rain really seemed to be a messenger of love and the sign of peace and happiness.

-Again, you just need to split up the sentences a bit. After 'Wordsworth', change the comma to a period. Perfect split right there and you don't even need to re-order anything thing.
-Also, 'The song of the rain' is the title of a work so it needs to have the proper caps. Like so: "The Song of the Rain".

Okay so I've started reviewing flash fic more often and I'm actually starting to understand it. Therefore, I won't be able to apply any normal plot analysis. *insert super cool but definitely insane scientist voice* Time for my newest invention, plot analysis 8.0. (Yes we did have several failed versions.)
The build up to the final point is actually pretty good and I would have expected a sort of let down ending. (And yes maybe all of the flash fic I've read so far has been depressing.) The idea of the first rain of summer is something that I would think is hard to capture. At least the emotion would be for me considering the last descriptive poetry I submitted. *flashbacks* I really did like the story and unfortunately have nothing else to say.

So have a nice day. Sorry if I could provide you with anymore comments extremely useful words of advice that should be taken with serious consideration.
Happy end of Monday!
Lizzy
The Goddess of Math






Hey there! Thanx for the review book club queen! :-)



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Mon May 23, 2016 2:50 pm
Kazumi says...



Who or what inspired you to write this flashfic?






I don't know...I just love rain and thought I would pen down my feelings *shrugs*



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Mon May 23, 2016 1:30 pm
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OreosAreLife wrote a review...



Hey Phangirldivergent46, it's AshleyDashley here for a quick review!

First off I liked your tile. Second I liked how you started the night before the storm it really built up to it. I enjoyed reading it!

The raindrops pattering on my window pane seemed to be call me outside to enjoy the rain and suddenly I was reminded of the song of the rain by William Wordsworth, the rain really seemed to be a messenger of love and the sign of peace and happiness.


Here the title the song of the rain by William Wordsworth needs to be capitalized like this: The Song of the Rain By: William Wordsworth. Then after his last name instead of a comma is should be a period.

staring at the picture of immense beauty outside, I had nearly forgotten that I had just woke up and that I was hungry, and as if on cue my stomach growled. I smiled to myself , got dressed in some comfy shorts and t-shirt and went downstairs. The rain had reduced to drizzle by now.


Here the beginning should be capitalized: Staring. Otherwise this was a great paragraph!

Overall this was great. I really liked it it was magnificent! Fabulous job! Keep up the amazing work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!

AshleyDashley :)






Thanx ash!




Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown