Young Writers Society

Is it just me or did I unwittingly spawn a new wave of flash fiction writers? I'm glad that you decided to try out flash fiction as your first short story in prose. However, there are many seams in this one, and I'm going to gladly rip them apart for you

There are no brakes on the Roast Train.

For your first short story, it's actually quite alright, but not as a flashfic. It feels more like a chapter from a larger story or a novel in terms of writing style. Or even worse, it looks like an entry from a giddy Dan and Phil fangirl (hue).

First paragraph in, and I'm feeling drawn in. This one-sentence paragraph of yours is a good way to start a flash fiction. It gives the readers information to start with, but not too much that we don't lose interest. Thus, we want to find out more. You've taken this from YA novels, haven't you?

Now, the second paragraph is where everything starts to get rocky. For example, you wouldn't need to drop that "as usual" when the rest of the story says it is a habit of your main character. And there's so much unnecessary information. This is actually a more personal one, but I'd remove the second sentence in the second paragraph, because it's unnecessary, already evident, and can be expressed through clever wording. Despite that though, you expressed your main character's fascination with the stars very detailed and very well.

Third paragraph. It was going so well, until you killed it with your diary-entry writing style in the second sentence. Look, you're not writing another diary entry, nor are you casually recalling an experience with a friend over Starbucks. You're telling a story for all ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls to listen to, and you have to tell it well.

Fourth paragraph. Though the GRAMMAR wasn't on point, your hyperbole with the "horse stomping" was actually good. Until you killed it again with that "btw" note. Also:

"I curled in my bed and tried to hold on to the moment for just another moment." Read this aloud and tell me if you feel anything wrong, awkward or redundant with this sentence.

Also, don't just tell us that your main character loved the sound of rain or the temperature dropped. Show us! Maybe your MC felt at peace just hearing the constant pitter-patter of the rain on her roof, or maybe she shivered because of the cold the constant raining caused.

Also, more unnecessary info! Do you think we needed to know that your main character just stood up and turned off the fan? Do you think this is important, relevant to the theme, or drives the plot onward? Also, the personification about the rain isn't appropriate. Clouds can't move very fast, let alone "roam" the whole sky. Maybe "ruled" would be a better verb for it.

Also, how would we know it was the first rainfall in a long time? I know you tried to use the clouds covering the stars as a hint, but it's too subtle to be noticed immediately.

The next paragraphs are pretty much these mistakes recurring, but I'll point them out anyway.

Fourth paragraph. Don't you think it would be better to actually quote the poem/song you mentioned?

Fifth paragraph. More diary-entry style. Your main character's morning routine is not very relevant. I know you tried to use this as a transitioning device to drive the plot onward, but you're putting too much emphasis on this very trivial set of details.

Sixth paragraph. More daily routines. Miniscule details. And more diary entry. The last line is simply a turnoff at this point, and doesn't provide much to the description of the outside. Also, you didn't describe it well enough. More details about the outside, maybe?

Seventh paragraph isn't so bad, but the damage was done already. At this point the reader would be too uninterested or turned off to actually appreciate this good ending line. Still, you provided that memorable ending line, like you always do. Props to you for that.

Overall, it's alright, but not as a flash fiction. Too much unnecessary details, and the writing style isn't reminiscent of a flash fiction's. On top of that, it seems like this piece constantly fights itself. Your figures of speech are good at times, but it just gets ruined by the next sentences.

Alright, since you're a poet by nature (at least for me), I'll give you a tip. Think of flash fiction not as a short short story, but as a short narrative poem, but written in prose. Poetry, but in prose. Hopefully that change in perspective makes flash fiction easier for you to transition to.

Another tip: Like in poetry, every word in a flash fiction should count. There's nothing wrong with adding very flowery and picturesque details, so long as they're relevant. Look at every word and ask yourself: does this word relate to the theme or mood, reveal character, or advance the plot?

Despite all of this, though, you told a longer story in just a few hundred words, and that's all that matters when you write flash fiction. Anyways, I hope you keep on writing flash fiction, and I'll see your works again in the future.

Hello, short review.

I liked the cadence of this story, there was a lot of useless information, but it sounded good!

" so I got off the bed and turned the celling fan off. I then peeped out the window, unable to contain my curiosity and of course dark rain bearing clouds were roaming the whole sky, dropping each drop of rain at a steady rhythm. "

These sentences really got my goat. The first letter isn't capitalized, ceiling is misspelled, and the second scentance runs on past the deep end.

Besides that I enjoyed reading it, good job!

Is it just me or did I unwittingly spawn a new wave of flash fiction writers? I'm glad that you decided to try out flash fiction as your first short story in prose. However, there are many seams in this one, and I'm going to gladly rip them apart for you

There are no brakes on the Roast Train.

For your first short story, it's actually quite alright, but not as a flashfic. It feels more like a chapter from a larger story or a novel in terms of writing style. Or even worse, it looks like an entry from a giddy Dan and Phil fangirl (hue).

First paragraph in, and I'm feeling drawn in. This one-sentence paragraph of yours is a good way to start a flash fiction. It gives the readers information to start with, but not too much that we don't lose interest. Thus, we want to find out more. You've taken this from YA novels, haven't you?

Now, the second paragraph is where everything starts to get rocky. For example, you wouldn't need to drop that "as usual" when the rest of the story says it is a habit of your main character. And there's so much unnecessary information. This is actually a more personal one, but I'd remove the second sentence in the second paragraph, because it's unnecessary, already evident, and can be expressed through clever wording. Despite that though, you expressed your main character's fascination with the stars very detailed and very well.

Third paragraph. It was going so well, until you killed it with your diary-entry writing style in the second sentence. Look, you're not writing another diary entry, nor are you casually recalling an experience with a friend over Starbucks. You're telling a story for all ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls to listen to, and you have to tell it well.

Fourth paragraph. Though the grammar wasn't on point, your hyperbole with the "horse stomping" was actually good. Until you killed it again with that "btw" note. Also:

"I curled in my bed and tried to hold on to the moment for just another moment." Read this aloud and tell me if you feel anything wrong, awkward or redundant with this sentence.

Also, don't just tell us that your main character loved the sound of rain or the temperature dropped. Show us! Maybe your MC felt at peace just hearing the constant pitter-patter of the rain on her roof, or maybe she shivered because of the cold the constant raining caused.

Also, more unnecessary info! Do you think we needed to know that your main character just stood up and turned off the fan? Do you think this is important, relevant to the theme, or drives the plot onward? Also, the personification about the rain isn't appropriate. Clouds can't move very fast, let alone "roam" the whole sky. Maybe "ruled" would be a better verb for it.

Also, how would we know it was the first rainfall in a long time? I know you tried to use the clouds covering the stars as a hint, but it's too subtle to be noticed immediately.

The next paragraphs are pretty much these mistakes recurring, but I'll point them out anyway.

Fourth paragraph. Don't you think it would be better to actually quote the poem/song you mentioned?

Fifth paragraph. More diary-entry style. Your main character's morning routine is not very relevant. I know you tried to use this as a transitioning device to drive the plot onward, but you're putting too much emphasis on this very trivial set of details.

Sixth paragraph. More daily routines. Miniscule details. And more diary entry. The last line is simply a turnoff at this point, and doesn't provide much to the description of the outside. Also, you didn't describe it well enough. More details about the outside, maybe?

Seventh paragraph isn't so bad, but the damage was done already. At this point the reader would be too uninterested or turned off to actually appreciate this good ending line. Still, you provided that memorable ending line, like you always do. Props to you for that.

Overall, it's alright, but not as a flash fiction. Too much unnecessary details, and the writing style isn't reminiscent of a flash fiction's. On top of that, it seems like this piece constantly fights itself. Your figures of speech are good at times, but it just gets ruined by the next sentences.

Alright, since you're a poet by nature (at least for me), I'll give you a tip. Think of flash fiction not as a short short story, but as a short narrative poem, but written in prose. Poetry, but in prose. Hopefully that change in perspective makes flash fiction easier for you to transition to.

Another tip: Like in poetry, every word in a flash fiction should count. There's nothing wrong with adding very flowery and picturesque details, so long as they're relevant. Look at every word and ask yourself: does this word relate to the theme or mood, reveal character, or advance the plot?

Despite all of this, though, you told a longer story in just a few hundred words, and that's all that matters when you write flash fiction. Anyways, I hope you keep on writing flash fiction, and I'll see your works again in the future.

Hey! Victoria here with a short review!

Since someone already covered the grammar mistakes etc, I'll comment on your writing style etc.

I really like how this "story" is written, you use a lot of great metaphors and words I'm fond of.

"I woke up to the sound of a million horse stomping at my bedroom ceiling" is a great metaphor, but maybe it's not necessary to explain that the sound was in fact rain, show don't tell.

Hey there phangirldivergent46. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

First off, we need to address all of the mistakes in your description. Granted they are all typos but they still bothered me and made me wary of the text.

just something....written by me nd my cousin sis (442 words)

I had gone to the terrace, (as usual) last night to see the Orion in the sky, it was my favourite pastime, to look at stars and try and gather them into constellations.

I had gone to the terrace, (as usual) as usual, last night to see the Orion in the sky,. It was my favourite pastime, To look at stars and try and gather them into constellations, was my favorite pastime.

The raindrops pattering on my window pane seemed to be call me outside to enjoy the rain and suddenly I was reminded of The song of the rain by William Wordsworth, the rain really seemed to be a messenger of love and the sign of peace and happiness.

Who or what inspired you to write this flashfic?

Hey Phangirldivergent46, it's AshleyDashley here for a quick review!

First off I liked your tile. Second I liked how you started the night before the storm it really built up to it. I enjoyed reading it!

The raindrops pattering on my window pane seemed to be call me outside to enjoy the rain and suddenly I was reminded of the song of the rain by William Wordsworth, the rain really seemed to be a messenger of love and the sign of peace and happiness.

staring at the picture of immense beauty outside, I had nearly forgotten that I had just woke up and that I was hungry, and as if on cue my stomach growled. I smiled to myself , got dressed in some comfy shorts and t-shirt and went downstairs. The rain had reduced to drizzle by now.