He never believed in love at first sight.
Until he saw her.
He changed his mind.
*
Till today his car remains his one true love.
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Hey there! clogs here for a review day review!
I'll admit that I didn't see that last line coming, haha. Is this about Dean Winchester?
Bad supernatural jokes aside, let's jump right in:
The humor in this poem relies on subverting the readers' expectation that you created in the first stanza. You do accomplish that, but in most bare-bones way possible. There's no real description. This is a situation where it's definitely okay to exaggerate.
So for instance, the last line just states that the guy's true love is his car. End of story. While it is somewhat humorous, it's just kind of a dull statement. I feel like there were so many ways you could've sprung the surprise on the reader. Talk about how he loves her four wheels or something. Replace a cheesy romantic metaphor with a car part. Something that lets the reader know it's a car with a clever metaphor, so they go, "omg I never thought I'd hear someone describe a car like that. That's how I would try to get humor out of this. It doesn't necessarily need to be loud, in-the-face humor either. The subtlety of this works well, it's just the plainess of it that doesn't.
I like the simplicity of the first part up until the line "He changed his mind." It's choppy. That part of the poem would flow more naturally if it were connected to the phrase before it, even just be adding an "and".
That's all I really have to say about this, with this being such a short piece. If you have any questions, please ask, and happy review day!
Hey there!
Awe. This is so funny and cute. XD It seemed like a typical start, but the ending makes it all fit together. I just have a few tiny things to mention- other than that, it's really great!
May I just suggest elipses at the end of this line instead of a period? I think it would pull the readers into the next line, but it's your choice.
I think saying till implies that today, the car is no longer his true love. Maybe you could say, "even today" to show that his car is still his love. And as Dracula said below me, perhaps you should change "his one and truely love" to "his one true love" or "the one he truely loves".
That's all! This is really funny and I quite appreciate it.
-Falco
Thank you
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I add just one more ha?
Now I'll try to write some sort of review, but I don't really know how to review this.
I thought this was going to be a really personal, beautiful declaration of love. AND IT WAS! Just not the sort of declaration I expected, obviously. That last line cracked me up, so thank you. Laughter is an excellent way to begin the day.
I'm happy with all your formatting; the three lines and that separated last line work really well. The full stops are also tremendously important in this piece, without the extra pause at the end of each sentence the flow would be all choppy. But it's great the way you've set it out.
The one thing I would change? Swap 'his one and truely love' with 'his one true love'. It's a much more recognisable phrase, and would still have the same impact on the reader.
I shall be giving this a nine out of ten, with a big smiley face sticker plastered on it. Or a gold star. Your choice.
Haha thank you