She wanted to reach the clouds.
But depression was weighing her down.
So she cut herself,
thinking if she lost enough weight she will reach them.
The sad thing is, she did.
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey DivergentDemigod it's AshleyDashley here for a review!
First this is a sad poem. I really felt the emotion in this poem. I liked the lines:
It really shows what the girl in the poem is feeling and I can relate on a personal level to this.
I say no errors in your poem so congrats on that! Overall I think you did a wonderful job writing this. Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
This is very sad, its very deep. What I would try though is to say what you want, but not say it. like the line so she cut herself, think its to front forward. I think the next line is also to front forward. its a very good piece though.
Hi there!
Specifics
1. I think on the one side this poem has a nice simplicity but at the same time, I feel that because it's so short you have to be incredibly selective with your word choice and make the lines as tight as you can. Like in the first chance you have 'wanted' but that's not a very powerful word. Something more powerful would be 'needed' or 'She coveted the comfort of the clouds' or 'yearned'.
2. Maybe rather than simply telling us that depression was weighing her down, this could be a good opportunity for a simile or metaphor? Like 'But depression was a lead basket tied to her balloon'.
3. You could then tie the cutting herself in with tying the strings as well as the idea of losing enough weight.
4.
5. I think the last line might be stronger as 'Unfortunately, she did.'
Overall
It's short but you manage to pack some strong emotions in and that's great. If you can bring the imagery up a level as well, you should be able to make this a memorable poem. Best of luck!
~Heather
Hello! Sheyren here for a review! Obviously, this is a short poem, so I don't really have much to say. I did really enjoy it though. It was deep and meaningful, a popular topic for poems. However, it was unique. The only thing I have to comment on is that I feel like the lines should be shorter. Maybe just simply split the lines. Shorter lines seem to just really get the message across in a concise way that also really exaggerated the message. You don't need to actually shorten the poem, but if you moved lines around it would still work. Example, "The sad thing is, she did" could become
"The sad thing is
She did"
It doesn't change the meaning of the poem, but it changes the delivery. That's all I have to comment on... Great poem! I'd love to see more works by you!
Thank you ^^