a quiet death

Hey there. Quintulus Varus here for a review. You'll have your legions next week, I promise.

I fell asleep yesterday while writing this review, and a lot of it was written by a sleepy person, so that's my excuse if it's not good enough.

Foremost, this poem is amazing. The imagery is on another level. It takes a special kind of brain to pull that off. But because of that it's not exactly easy to review, but I will give it my best shot.

I will give an account of all the (to me) important devices used in the poem, as well as comment on its content. Hopefully that will give the author appropriate ideas to improve her writing.

The roman numerals are a great way to separate a piece, something I've seen done in short stories as well. However, given the content, I think it's only used here for aesthetic purposes. Other than that I don't think they are necessary. But then again, aesthetics are an important part of poetry, and this way it looks less intimidating to read.

About the stanza structure: It's free-verse, yes, but at times it gives off a vibe of... well, a vibe. Like an oscillation from short to long line, almost like a graph of frequency (of a heartbeat, perhaps). And then it evens out a bit. I don't know if it was intentional, but it reminds me of a wave sequence, and the evening out is like the narrator slowly calming down, almost as if accepting and coming to terms with their situation.

For the title, to convey the same meaning you could have used the word "quietus", which would fit the elevated nature if your vocabulary. This sounds great too, however.

Since it's free-verse, there isn't much more that can be commented on. So, on to the content. However, it will only be my subjective interpretation.

The first part seems to focus on the object of the poem, the person the narrator is referring to. The other two are more about how the narrator feels about it.

The color to me represents the person's mood and state of mind. To the narrator it's little more than a mystery, but it seems as if the color swiftly changes to that of the environment, meaning the person's mood is easily affected.

Then the narrator compares themselves to a pond, poor with emotion. They love the world and they want to spill all over it, but the basin prevents them. They feel like they cannot express their emotions.

The person is a night-swimmer, they stay up late. Top-heavy, they engage in self-destructive behaviour. The narrator cares about this person, because they fear that they'll sink.

In mythology, the moon often represents an omen of things to come. But even though it seems to be a master of water, it only makes shallow dives. If it makes a deeper one, perhaps it won't survive. They are deluded, their view is distorted. They look at themselves but still fail to see. And then the confirmation that they stay up late.

The narrator feels neglected and seen over. The person was lonely, but they went for the shiny hot Sun rafter taking a not-so-close look. They went for another person who is not the narrator. The one they went for turns out to be a gunman. Their choice was wrong.

In "07" they tried to break the illusion but they were broken instead.

The narrator beats themselves up for the things they have said. They feel like their words have driven the person away. They do not trust people enough to open up again, for fear of saying something wrong. Something that will be taken the wrong way. Something that will cause strife and precipitate a fight. But also they feel like the person is holding back as well. Like they can't be themselves because of the fear of saying something wrong and instigating conflict. But still, if they don't express themselves the curiosity of people will unveil their mind.

The narrator has a lot of love for the world. They want to show it but can't. So they have grown to adapt to the mood swings and conflicts that slowly work towards their detriment. They think it's their fault. They want something bad to happen to them so that they feel better about their situation. And maybe they let themselves be loved by unpredictable "hues" because they feel like they don't deserve better.

We find out that the person is a female. She seems to be unaffected by the narrator having been in her life.

~~~

And now for the visceral invocation that this poem had on the reviewer.

I felt like the narrator is self-conscious, but also in a way self-loathing. They feel like things are their fault. They feel like it's the things they've said that drive people away. I'm sure we all feel like this sometimes. But the narrator is closing themselves off because of those fears. And they feel like they cannot express themselves with blatancy, but with furtiveness. Always furtiveness. But I think that it's not their fault. They can't be blamed for being taken shots at. Only the gunman can be at fault for that. But also, if they are in fear of being the gunman, their worries are unfounded. Someone ought to tell them that you don't have to always get along with a person. Sometimes you will have fights and conflicts, but if you both make the effort, those conflicts will be nothing more than a bump in the road.

This poem made me feel sympathetic for the narrator and reminded me of all the times I've blamed myself for things. But even if they turned out to be my fault, people mess up. It's how we deal with it that counts in the long run. And given that the narrator is extremely self-conscious about it, I would say that they care about the person and the people in their life. And if they've made an effort in the relationship, then they have absolutely nothing to blame themselves for. It's the other person who didn't meet them halfway.

It also gave me the feeling of moving on. Through empathy and self-reflection, I was able to think of all the efforts I've put into my relationships. And if they didn't work out even though I put in a lot of effort, I know that there is no point at all in blaming myself and that it wasn't my fault. Hopefully this poem can do the same for other readers.

~~~

I believe that covers the most relevant topics. If there is anything you would like analyzed in greater detail, I would be more than happy to do that. This poem couldn't have come at a better time for me personally, so I wouldn't mind talking about it a bit more.

Again I would like to apologize for falling asleep mid-review. I was exceedingly tired due to physical activity.

I understand how this review doesn't necessarily help you improve or help you improve this poem. However, I believe that through simply having it commented on, you may receive a few ideas to do just that. I suppose I'm betting all the helpfulness of this review on how much it encourages you to write more. And you should definitely write more.

I would say you have a gift, but maybe your writing ability was honed by practice and years of experience, in which case, the time and effort you've put into writing makes you all the more valuable as a writer. Either way, you have talent, and you have skill. I would say that you're a talented poet, but your skillset extends beyond one particular literary genre, so I will just say that you're a talented writer who's only just getting started. I am honored to be your friend.

There isn't much that could be critiqued about this poem, and my only real comment in regards to improving it would be about the line lenghth. It could resemble a cardiogram a bit more, or something like that. Though, if it was a cardiogram, it would have been awfully pessimistic (for obvious reasons: it wouls look like a heart slowly coming to a stop). Maybe waves, however.

I hope this review was satisfactory. If there's anything I missed I would be happy to take a look at it. And if something was meant to be taken a certain way but I interpret it differently, please do let me know.

Oh and by the way my legions were ambushed, sooo yeah. Won't be seeing them again.

(I was thinking of adding this segment to my reviews to make them a bit more fun.)

A most wonderful day to reader and writer alike.

A quiet death is an amazing title for this headline piece. I don't believe there is much room for improvement on this, for there were so many lines that were Breathtakers. Know that I also LoOoove the way it is formatted, sometimes italics, changing size, with the brackets, Roman Numerals, all just spectacular for drawing out the emotion here.

Do you mean the lake is never the same color after being tainted with a corpse, or do you mean something else by this? It almost sounds random like you put it in their just for cool effect, but then we get near the end of the poem and it all really starts coming together in the bathtub, yet I'm uncertain if I understand and I'm curious to all that it holds. Now I know that poems do not have to sound "nice on the ears" or have good flow to be a poem, but the second stanza about the clownfish is, when contrasted next to the rest of the poem, frankly ugly because every other place flows really well: however maybe the point was intentional to create a symbolic image of a bloated body doing the dead man float out there and hence, it was very unsightly.

I love the whole explanation about how ponds do not have waves and the personification included there. The part where we are introduced to the pale, somber essence of the Olympian reflecting on it's capability is not only profound but excellent and written in a captivating manner. Continuing down, another transition, which i ador by the way the number of transitions and different scene swings from point to point about dying and death and demise. "it's the truth." - you confirm the rumours of the dangers of window-shopping and that indeed it was the murderer. When you bend my reality, you do more than just stir my senses, you awaken them, rifling job (i don't know what the red sun was about tho)

I think january in '07, giving us a specific year there, hurts the poem because a) it pulls us out of the dream-like painting you've got going here and b) it's obviously a time so personal to you we can in no way get the punch of what occurred so I would suggest the timeframe is moot and distracting and would start off that particular stanza presented in a more astounding way: I mean it does end up by getting shot in the heart so it needs more verbacity anyway. [that's right, verbacity is not a word].

The Miranda Rights stanza is absolutely flawless. "but know that if you are quiet, we will gut you of your secrets." It's like, oops, gotta stay in that perfect middle ground of having a mind, or you'll offend somebody. Don't make too much noise, but if you tiptoe around, you're not exciting enough to be worthy of attention/friends for very long. Be interesting, but don't step out of bounds, or my bounds! (or my bounds!) There's a song that goes, "You can't please everyone, so ya, got to please yourself." It's actually Garden Party by John Fogerty

Now comes my favorite line: "my eyes digress; (great play on a popular phrase) I am lustful but I cannot kiss the whole world at once. Hahahahahhahaahhaa I died in this poem as well

Last thing is about 'scraping away at my skin.' - Since everything in this was so extraterrestial in creativity, I just believe you've done yourself and injustice with this banality. Regardless, you get a... {da dA DAAA} 9.9/10 stars from this here kid!! This has been a refreshing start to my day, so thank you for writing!

<3

Hey there, friend. Just a few notes;

Some of your metaphors were a little jarring (i.e. the top-heavy clownfish). They feel a little heavy-handed like you wanted to continue with the theme but were afraid of slumping into cliches (I might also be a little off-put cause I ended up googling clownfish).

Your choice of structure was particularly interesting. Not sure if I dug the change in font in the sixth stanza. It definitely provoked a little bit of that loudness that I feel you may have been going for but the off-setting loudness of the font sort of outweighed the loudness of the words (albeit this may not have been my favourite section of the poem to begin with). I can totally dig the concept but I wasn't fully feeling the bluntness of it. I applaud the commitment to the theme however.

One of the biggest sections I'd like to note on is the two line zingers you start most of your stanzas with. They're like melted butter and I keep finding myself drawn back to them over and over again. However, the content that follows said zingers doesn't always match that same level of intensity. There's a lot of thought, and a lot of good thought to boot, that appears to be working its way through this piece but the emphasis is clearly on the beginning of each section and not so much the end. Try pulling some of that intensity through. Don't force it so much. It'll come out a lot more poignant if it comes to you the same way as those first few lines do.

Some of your vocabulary is a bit excessive. I like a little magniloquence as much as the next poet but sometimes stripping down to the bare bones of language and diction profits the greatest results. Don't be afraid of the simple. There is a very delicate art to cutting away the excess.

I liked the title, the feel. I can totally dig the italic sections. There's some really solid bits in this.

Oh and those first two lines are pure velvet.

~ Walker

I'm not an expert at poetry but this is beautifully written

seriously can you stop being so good so i can catch up ugh

aaahhh this is perfection

Amazing poem. A huge thanks for sharing it with everyone.

Hey, here with a review. Firstly, I was attracted to the tittle, it makes questions arise. Next,I would like to say I quite like the layout of the poem, the fact that the writing style changes and the one you've stuck with most, is very professional. The poem itself is very well written and I quite enjoyed it. I really found part 3 the most grabbing and your vocabulary is very broad and so imaginative. Overall, I loved your poem and hope to see more of your work.

~Rosy234

Hey.. this is Sharon.. okay.. so, this piece is extremely well written.. and i guess it falls in the Modern genre of poetry.. but I, being a lover of literature, whether it be any kind, I suggest you be more spontaneous in your expression of feelings.. I mean, I have always believed that whatever we write should come straight from the heart, and this poem surely expresses your emotions and experiences that you have imagined or actually have been in.. but it does not seem to come right down on the paper.. use of some simpler words and sentences could have made it a bit more easier for the readers to relate to.. these remarks were completely opinionative from my side.. but this piece is perfectly in rhythm with the modern genre of poetry.. Thank you:)

Hello!!
This is my first review so bear with me.
I thought this poem was extremely well written. I see where anngelalu is coming from with either capitalizing letters or making the "i's" lowercase, but I don't think its anything to worry about. If you like how it currently is, then what does it matter?
Anyway, I found a couple lines to strike me. The line "I am lustful but I cannot kiss the whole world at once," was one of them.
Your words are insightful, witty and emotional.
-Eva

Hey! here for a review.

First of all, I like the creativeness with the italics and bold font as well as the way the poem is formatted as well. This poem is very aesthetically pleasing to read and the content is very well worded.

I do like the amount of figurative language you have in the poem. The similes and metaphors are marvelous.

I will make a comment on how most of the words are not capitalized and the i's are. I don't know if you're trying to make it look more correct in terms of writing, but I would say either capitalize the beginnings of the lines or make the i's lowercase.

Though what you have added is a picture or some sort and I cannot quote you from copy and paste, I will keep this review short.

Lastly, your imagery is astounding. My favorite would have to be the part three because of the imagery and figurative language.

As I said, short. This is fantastic poem, keep up the good work! I hope to see more writing of yours.