Young Writers Society

Hi papillote,

Mailice here with a short review!

First of all I have to say that I really like the fact that you always do a kind of recap at the beginning and end of each chapter. I think it gives you a better overview when you switch between the protagonists.

There is always the danger that when you change the character from one chapter to another, the writing style doesn't change. Especially when it goes from a first person narrator to a neutral narrator. I found it a relief to see that you left out the details that Bitter would probably have observed in this case. Of course, the focus was also on Stephen and a possible rescue of his daughter, but I still liked that you took a different step here.

I liked the conversation. It had a good tone and I liked that you could read out that both men trust each other, even if they both live in different areas of the capitalist world. I also thought it was a good thing to include the chapter about Stephen now, because after all there was still that cliffhanger from the first chapter and as a reader I continued to have that in the back of my mind.

I thought you switched between Stephen and Carlin very frequently. I think at least in the narrative you should keep it to one name, preferably the family name, so as not to confuse the reader. I thought a few times that it was still part of a dialogue when I suddenly read Stephen instead of Carlin.

I thought the conversation was too rushed towards the end. I think you could maybe expand on that a bit more. You made it clear at the beginning that Stephen was desperate, and this desperation changed into hope and determination during the chapter. I would have liked to see this change of feeling in more detail as the conversation went on.

Other points that caught my eye:

"What's wrong? You look a wreck."

Peter Griffith sat in his chair again, on the other side of the desk, composure slowly coming back to normal. Gravely, he replied,

"You say you can do it and I believe you, but it's my company's money I'd be risking on that. And if you break the law, I'll be just as liable. I've got responsibilities towards my board, my family, my employees."

Hey, like Iggy I also have no nit-picks, so that's great!

I do have a question. Is the conclusion I'm meant to draw from the timing of the Nobel night that this was in some way related to the beginning of the existence of Oracles? It sounds like that's what you're getting at but given that I'm on the fourth chapter now that probably is an element of world-building I ought to know. I can understand why you wouldn't tell me for suspense reasons, but I think it would make more sense to have in the first chapter some hint that this was the beginning of Oracle-ness and then in this chapter to release me from my by now three chapter wish for explanation.

Pretty much everything else works perfectly in this chapter. This doesn't connect directly to Bit's chapters but honestly it would probably be too on-the-nose if it did. The characters are re-introduced well and it's really interesting to see their fall from the peak of their lives the last time I saw them. Maybe a little bit more about what their work situation is (Stephen was worried about losing class time last we saw him, I think?) so that would satisfy some questions that are a little bit left hanging from the first chapter, but what you have is interesting enough so that's not urgent.

The only other question I have is some curiosity about why the Stephen chapters are way way shorter than the Bit chapters xD

Hope this helps,
Biscuits

1. What I liked
I loved how you bring Jesus into the story. I also loved the suspence.
2. Clearity & Plot
The plot's fine the problem is I really don't exactly get where Oracles come in.
3. Characters & Character develoupment
One thing I did notice though is that somehow you didn't seem to give the characters a personality. Of course that might come later, however I also didn't catch anything I could relate to. You might want to consider adding some humaness to them.
4. Over all
Good job I loved it. I hope you were not bothered by this.
Great job keep up the good work.

Hi there! Just dropping by for a quick review. I hope you don't mind, but I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I'll be giving you a review just based on this chapter alone.

Okay, wow! I have absolutely no nitpicks with this. None at all. I know that isn't very helpful, but I seriously have nothing to complain about. This was really interesting and I definitely want to read more of this! I might just come back for future installments because this has an interesting plot and I love the tone and pace you have set. You are doing an amazing job here and everything in this chapter was just perfect to me. Great dialogue between the characters, great character development, great pacing, great plot telling, great imagery, just... great. xD

I seriously enjoyed reading every second of this chapter and I look forward to reading more! I hope this review helped, even though it wasn't very constructive, haha! Honestly, though, I have nothing to critique, because I can't find anything wrong with this chapter. Great job. I can't wait to read more.

- Iggs