Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Mike Murphy has been begging our MP, Bitter, to help him find his big brother. Read Chapter 10 to find out how he finally convinced her.
Mike Murphy was sitting in his car, listening dejectedly to the radio, head thrown back. Through the door, I could hear the loud beats of his music. My arms were full, so I used the bag loaded with drinks and ice-creams to rasp against the window. It made a dull, “Toc toc.”
Mike jumped, then his face lit up.
“Open the door,” I mouthed, pointing down to the passenger door’s lock.
He scrambled to obey. I sat beside him. I stunk of cooking oil and sweat, and I was tired, grumpy. Looking at Mike gave me a headache.
“Wha-What’s i-n the bags?”
“Burgers and drinks, what do you think? You’ve already eaten, what, a dozen small fries?”
“Thirteen,” he replied easily, and dug into the first bag for a Coke.
The next fifteen minutes were filled with junk food. One thing about Mike – he could put it away. I nibbled on a couple of small burritos, but I still wasn’t hungry.
“Tell me about your brother,” I said.
“Kyle,” he gasped, and his eyes widened, all deer in the headlights.
I shrugged. It wasn’t my party. “Unless you’ve got another brother…”
He shook his head. “N-n-no.”
“Well, then, tell me about Kyle.” He gaped at me in a panic. “I get that you aren’t good with words, but I need to know more about your brother. I can’t Trance out of thin air.”
“W-why?”
I sighed. I was very uncomfortable teaching him the basics. Scrying had been part of my life for so long; didn’t everyone know this?
“Scrying isn’t an exact science. Visions are subject to interpretation. If the object of your Scrying is too personal, what you See is skewed. Nobody knows why. We call those Visions – the misleading ones – DPPs.”
“Wh-?”
“DPPs. Divine Punishment for Peeking.”
He nodded to show he understood.
“But, then,” I went on, “if I don’t have enough data to Scry, I start free-Trancing. You’d get nothing. There is a sweet spot right between free-Trancing and DPPs. That’s what we want.”
“I-I-”
“I’m useless if I don’t learn more about him, Mike.”
Gravely, he studied my face for a minute, then he bobbed his head twice, nervously. He pulled his cell out of his pocket and he swiped and typed, before he handed it to me.
“Kyle,” he said, though I had guessed as much.
Kyle was older than his brother, in his early thirties, but the resemblance was shocking: same eyes, same hair, same angular face, same ears sticking out on each side of his head. Kyle wasn’t all that handsome, but he had a charm about him, a wide grin, an air of assurance, of vitality. There was something about Kyle Murphy that seemed to pull together a lot of mildly attractive features into a pleasant whole.
I looked away from his picture. My eyes came to rest briefly on his younger brother’s profile. For all his qualities – I supposed he had to have some, Mike Murphy was a piss-poor source of information.
I sighed. “Come on, Magic Mike,” I said. “Let’s go.”
“Wh-ere?” he asked as he drove us out of the parking lot.
******
“Hi, ma’am.”
I beamed at the lady in the pink robe. She frowned at me. I judged her to be a good match for John Graves: tall, dry with wiry, curly brown hair that just had to be dyed.
“Jenna, don’t open the door in the middle of the night,” came Graves’s voice from inside the house.
“He’s right,” I told Mrs. Graves. “Your neighborhood sucks.”
“I think it’s for you!” she called out and let the screen door slam in my face.
I glanced at Mike, sitting in his car, and faced the door again when it creaked open. A scowling John Graves appeared. I smiled at his outfit – knee socks, shorts and a Blood Quarter tee-shirt.
“Blood Quarter, hm, Graves? Didn’t think you were the fang-banger type…”
The scowl faded even as he let out a deep breath that made his nostrils flare. “What do you want, Flynn?!” he barked.
“I need to talk about the Murphy thing.”
His eyes, which had been roaming over the street even as we spoke, paused on Mike’s car. “Ah,” he said, “come in.”
The door opened into a tidy kitchen and Mrs. Graves hovered in the opposite doorway. After locking up, Graves went to her and gave her a quick, affectionate kiss. “I’m just going to be a couple of minutes.”
She stroked a hand down his arm. “Alright.”
Their obvious fondness for each other made me feel like the interloper I was. Who was I to be all judgmental about people? Maybe they had small physical flaws, but they had to be better human beings than me. They had love – I didn’t.
Graves served me coffee and brought out a thick file. When I reached for it, he swatted at my hand. “Get your paws off my police file. What do you need to know?”
“I don’t know. Before, I only had Visions because I had watched exposés on the crime on TV. I don’t know what part worked, or how to do this shit.”
Some of my frustration seeped into my voice. Mike had given me almost nothing. I could tell he knew things, but I just didn’t have the knack for getting it out of him.
“Well…” Graves cleared his throat and thumbed through the file. “Kyle Murphy. 29. He’s a dental hygienist, works for a small dentist on Fountain Avenue. He had only been working there a month when he disappeared.”
I made a snoring sound. “That’s not helping.”
He glared at me. “Well, it should. One month in a new job. Two months in a new apartment. He also changed his cellphone number fifty days ago. Now, get out of my kitchen and figure it out.”
I went to Mike’s car slowly, chewing on the big clue thrown at my face.
“You-you’re done?”
“No. Where can I learn more about your brother?”
“His place,” he offered, starting up the engine.
I tilted my head to look at Kyle’s picture on the dashboard. I could feel a weak pull, already, not much, and I was curious. I had never visited the place of someone I was looking for. I wondered if it would help.
“Okay,” I said.
Now, Bitter just needs to gather enough information to Scry for Kyle Murphy. Find out how she does that in Chapter 12.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi papillote,

Mailice back with another review!
I like the pace here in the first half. I think you did a good job of portraying the "conversation" (let's call it interview or questioning) with Mike. I really like Bitter here. She comes across as pushy and grumpy during the explanations. I like the conversation very much as they stand in the car park and I remain very pleased with the portrayal of Mike. He is not happy that she is now asking him for information but continues to dwell on his neurotic streak.
I found the second half a bit too short and not as clearly developed. I can imagine Graves not wanting to talk to Bitter at this time of night, but I think you could still expand on the conversation a bit, or the setting. I would have expected, after meeting Graves and how Bitter portrayed him, that there would be some new information there, like she hints at something about his tee-shirt. Maybe that it's cleaner than she would have expected or something.
In general I found it a good chapter, but also had the impression that the moments with Graves are over so quickly that I wonder why they don't learn more about him or do anything else for him. At the moment he seems like a character that could be exchanged with any police officer at the station, where Bitter could also see the file.
Other points that caught my eye:
It's funny that you keep that in inverted commas, since it's neither dialogue nor a statement, just a sound. Keeping it in italics is sufficient there and think that then the comma doesn't need to be used either.
The insertion of grumpy here at the end reads a bit short and strange in relation to the sentence as a whole. I would either insert and or make it a separate sentence, as it would better represent Bitter's current emotional state. Short and sweet.
I don't know why the "See" is capitalised here. It's not a generic term like Scrying or Vision and I think putting it in italic would be sufficient here.
That gave me a laugh.
As the last chapter told more about Bitter's childhood, I wonder if this whole thing of love she thinks she doesn't have isn't ultimately a product of herself. She assumes that her mother didn't want to do anything with her and her brother after what happened, and think that led to Bitter searching for an answer as a child to understand what was happening and came to the conclusion that she wasn't loved or there was no reason to love her. Since it was already shown in the first chapters that Bitter builds herself a bit of walls to stay away from others to avoid being hurt, I strongly assume that she put this in her own mind and it manifested itself via brain development in her teenage years. She is not solely to blame for this, of course, but a child's brain is so easily fooled and manipulated that this could be some kind of result....
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hey there papillote! I'm back like I said I might be - let's get this out of the Green Room.
I really liked this chapter, especially the first part. The interaction between Bitter and Mike is great because of the contrast between her assertive personality and Mike's nervous one. It flows really well and it feels natural that Bitter eventually decides to get information some other way because Mike just isn't comfortable enough talking to her.
I feel like even though Bitter is... well, the lovely personality that she is, she should have enough sense not to do something like this, because she knows she's trying to get information out of someone, and she knows that making them mad isn't the way to do it. So I feel like she'd refrain from making comments like this right off the bat.
I felt like the exit from the house was a little sudden - one moment they had barely started talking, and the next she's back outside without even finishing her coffee. If they dislike her that much, it's odd that they went to all the trouble to make coffee for her. I also may just be clueless, but I don't quite see how what he's told her is information that should help. Unless the changing the cellphone number shows that he was trying to hide from someone?
And I think that's about all I've got for you! This was a really solid part overall, and I may have to come back when you post more. Good luck, and keep writing!
Thank you, I will. I'm revising a little before I go on, but the rest of the story is getting out there soon.
Hey, a bunch of stuff happened this week including a trip to London - but I am here now and ready to get up-to-date on this story!
Nit-picks:
This is just odd punctuation - the speech marks I mean. I think italics on their own would make more sense.
This doesn't really land as much as it could, because I'm not really feeling that this is true. Mike never really got a chance to say much, because we pretty much went straight to Graves's (who by the way I am totally picturing as Lestrade from Sherlock). It seems unrealistic that he literally wouldn't be able to tell her anything about his brother's likes and dislikes, or other aspects of his personality, which makes it feel somewhat engineered in order to get Graves back into the picture.
Really starting to enjoy the Bitter/Graves dynamic though. I think this could provide a lot of interesting moments as the story goes on.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks, Biscuits. Sorry for the long delay to reply, I was busy with administrative BS. I really like Graves too, which might be why I'm guilty of engineering reasons to bring it into the occasional chapter. I think you're going to get one hell of a kick out of the last chapter in this part
Haha awesome ^.^