AN: My wish this year.
Dear Mr. Santa Klaus,
Every year I demand something new
like an Xbox 360
or another gift I think is "cool."
This year is not like the rest
because my daddy is away
lying on a hospital bed.
He can't come for Christmas, but I cant cry.
My mom and sis can miss him
but I'm the oldest, so not I.
So Santa, if you're out there,
other kids get their wishes.
So you should be fair.
Please make Daddy better
and let him come home.
That's all I want in this letter.
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137,797 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hi there. First of all I like this poem in a sad kind of way. That's a good thing, don't worry.
It's touching and sweet, and makes you think about how greedy we all are. But it had me a little confused at some places. So, you know the drill. Red means I liked that part a lot and red means that part may need a little editing. Blue is my comments about the last part that's in green or red.
[quote]Dear Mr. Santa Klaus,
Take back the gifts and give them away
to children who can't write their lists
and so never get to play. Ok, so this was a little weird. Later in the poem you say all you want is your dad to come home. So, if you want your dad, focus on that all the way through the poe. basically, don't switch courses halfway through.
Every year I demand something new
like an Xbox 360
or a new pair of shoes Not sure this rhymes so well. .
This year is not like the rest;
my daddy is away
lying on a hospital bedSuddenly the mood switches fast and I wascaught off guard. This makes it sadder because I wasn't expecting it. Plus, this line is very well written. .
He can't come for christmas,
but I can't cry.
My mom and sis can miss him
but I'm the oldest, so not I.
So Santa, if you're out there,
other kids get their wishes. earlier you said other kids don't get their wishes. Which one is it?
So you should be fair.
Please make Daddy better
and let him come home.
That's all I want in this letter.[/Sweet ending. Really sad, too. quote]
So, great job on this. Just choose whether or not to listen to my red comments. Those are just my opinions. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, we spell Santa Claus with a C. It can probably go either way, though. Also, you might want to put this in your serious poetry folder. Anyway. Bye now. Hope this was helpful to you.
You definitely need to have a look at your grammar and punctuation. For me it distracts from the story you're telling, and it's a really sad and emotionally engaging story which I wanted to read smoothly. Telling sad things through a childish medium, like a letter to Santa makes them even more heart-wrenching, so well done; it's a really beautiful poem.
However, I was confused by your rhyming pattern, or lack of it. You start with rhyming every second line, then the second verse almost rhymes but it's strained, third verse drops rhyme altogether, then three lines of the next verse rhyme, then another almost rhyme, then different lines rhyming to any of the other verses. I think it would be a good idea to pick a rhyming pattern and stick with it, because jumping around interrupts the flow and makes it read awkwardly.
I think the ideas in this poem have a lot of potential. It's a really sad story, and that is communicated very well, it just needs refining.
Good work!
-pigeon
I agree.
First of all, I loved this. It was sad, but sweet, though not the best written.
Like occsasionalpessimist said, you need to capitalize. Otherwise it looks much less mature.
Some parts of this were actually a little funny.
Ex:
i've been good
unlike the other years.
I thought that was funny.
My one other little thing is the rhyme at the end sounded forced.
Besides that, I loved this poem. Keep writing!
Kay
Lovely poem. Really touching. I enjoyed reading it, but I still have a few things to point out. I'm not in a very nitpicky mood, so I'm not going to give you a full-blown lecture. (Even I'm new here. Welcome, fellow writer.)
Firstly, there was the case of your capitals. Sentences, even in poems, start with capitals. And 'I', as in 'I rode my bike' is always capital.
Next was the broken meter, but I didn't find that as much as a problem. If you meant it to be like that, then it's actually rather effective.
Keep writing, and you will certainly, surely improve. (Pardon my synonymitis.)
- Alexandra
P.S. 'Paperbackheart'? Your username is incredible.
Ohh, man, this is heart-wrentchingly toughing. This almost hurts to read, yet I keep on so because I want to know more. My father was in the hospital during the holidays last year, and that was where he ultimately ended. I may like this so much because I connect with it so much, but that's just fine, because a writer always wants their work to connect with the reader, because that is one of the best ways to attract the reader to keep reading and reading until they've fallen in love with your writing. Please, I sincerely hope you have a very merry Christmas, and if you have hardships, I hope you make it through stronger than before.