Falling

I think I am falling.
What's standing, when you fall your whole life.
When I land, I know it will hurt.
Now I long for it.
I want my legs to snap under me.
I want to feel my ribs break under the pressure.
I want my arms to twist grotesquely.
I want to laugh then.
I'll gurgle up blood and smile.
The rocks will pierce me and I'll smile.
The feelingof numbness will disappear.
All I'll feel is the sharp pain.
The gasping of breath.
The whisper of a prayer
and the scream that is not my own.
I want to touch my blood.
I want to bathe in it.
Blood...
I've seen so much.
Grandma's as her face was blown apart.
Brain splattered on me.
I didn't scream.
I just watched the blood.
Under the sheets on New Years.
Past my tears and humiliation,
that's my blood.
My sister's blood on my shirt
as her nose dripped from my accident.
Blood...
So it should end in my own.
I wonder how it'd taste.
I wonder how it'd feel.
Crimson, my blood should be black.
Then again, I may slice my wrist here,
just to check.
Just to see
if I am still alive.

Or wait until the crash and tumble,
and let the blood atone for my sins.