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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi, so I'm going up against you in the poetry competition, which means I'm scoping you out and I ran across this and Dust to Dust, which I read beforehand.
It's interesting that you are keeping to a similar pattern of short stanzas. You also have a similar tone between the two peaces as a speaker. The consistency in that makes me question how much you play with voice. Personally I think reading this poem in a southern or an old dialect back from the typical time period where slaves were kept would improve the poem and give it some extra oomph in uniqueness.
I like how you transition between a long description of the slaves to the description of the master and how they are feeling the weight of this oppression as well but I think cutting out a few of the top lines would help. For example, the third stanza is something directly from 1776, the more recent musical, and it makes me want something new instead of the guy singing about molasses and rum and slaves, so that could be cut. Plus, slaves aren't only whipped at an auction house, they're mostly going to be whipped at home. Developing your setting like that and creating more of a story for where this is taking place, would there be auctioneers? what's the weather like? answering these questions is going to flesh out the piece and take it away from things that have already been written.
I was a little annoyed at Dust to Dust for doing the same thing, taking a popular quote and repeating it just bothers me in general, so that could just be me getting on my soap box and you can take it however you want. ^^
Overall, I think that with this poem you should try exploring a little more and writing other parts of this relationship. I think you could really get a lot more emotion out of the topic, also, if you dropped introducing the slaves aside from a few lines.
Anyway, I hope this helps and good luck. I can't wait to see what you put up for the competition.
Thank you, Tabby! ^_^ Probably my first fan, too
Oh my, I'm back! At the beginning you said:
But I find nothing wrong with it! Like everything else I read, I really liked this. I love the emotions you show in your writing, it's unique. This is great, keep up the good work! If you have anything else, please let me know (and I mean anything! Don't hold out on me, I love your work! Congratulations you have a new fan!
--Tabby
I really like this poem. It's very impressive. I also love the mystery to it. I love how everyone can take it in and interrupt it in different ways. Great image creating!
Hi,
This flows well and I love your use of couplets. The violent and concise beginning really drew me in. I especially enjoyed:
"The rolling of the sea has
become the churnings of guilt
The groan of a ship has
become the groans of regret."
They were really powerful.
My only quibble is that I think the ending was a little weak. I'd go for something that engages the senses and shows the reader rather than telling them what the speaker feels directly.
A very enjoyable read.
Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.
Jas