The brook was disturbed by a stone
Which some person had thrown.
On the banks he stood
With his back to the wood.
"I cannot tell if this is madness
Or just a deep, intense sadness."
With a loud plea
He cried, "Help me!"
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello! Ninjawaffles here! This is a short nice poem but there are some little things that I would like to point out. (I have to be picky alright :3)
"The brook was disturbed by a stone
Which some person had thrown."
Okay, so we know the brook was disturbed and that someone had thrown a stone but how did it look like when the stone hit the water, how did the water react to the disrupting object?
"On the banks he stood
With his back to the wood."
The rhyming is kind of awkward and again, there is really no description so nobody really knows whats going on.
"With a loud plea
He cried,"Help me!"
There should be a space between the comma and the "
Anyways, just use imagery and bit more keep up the good work!
Thank you for the review!
Hello! Since this is so short, let's break it down stanza by stanza.
Okay, how was it disturbed? Describe the waters and how they ripple and shake from the rock, and how the rock sinks down to the bottom of the deep blue sea, or etc. Show us rather than tell us.
Forced rhyme scheme is very forced. It's awkward and sounds funny. Wood. What wood? The trees? Firewood? A wooden house? And again, describe this more.
The dialogue needs a space.
Okay, I think the biggest thing you need to work on is details, details, details. The mention of madness at the end of the poem was random. Why does he feel mad? And why does he need help? Is he losing himself? What does the rock and the wood have to do with this? Explain. Expand the poem, make the lines longer, make more sense and definitely add in more imagery.
But other than that, I like the simplicity of this poem. While I'm not a big fan of the rhyme scheme, I still appreciate it and have to admit that it was a nice touch. You have a nice idea going and it does need some tweaking, but overall, this was a good poem.
Hope that helps~
Thank you so much for your review!
As for the rhyme scheme... To construct this poem, I just had people throw out random pairs of words that rhymed, and I formed the poem using some of those words. It definitely needs polishing, but I had to submit this for a contest, so I just made sure I got it in first.
I've often heard "wood" stand for a group of trees; like a mini forest. That's how I was using it in this poem.
What do you mean about the dialogue?
Thank you again!
It was nice. It was an interesting theme, and it made me think, which I happen to enjoy doing. I've often wondered if I was insane, and I just didn't know it.
The rhyme scheme was well thought out and interesting.
Some Nitpicks:
1. I would enjoy it if this were a little bit longer. I don't really think that two stanzas really give you the full experience about what this is about. If you have trouble thinking of ideas, try writing stanzas about the pond the person throughs the stone into, what time of day it is, and more of the thoughts of the person spoken aloud.
2. The rhymes scheme was good, but I found the transition between lines a little choppy. I think your rhythm might be a little off.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this, and look forward to seeing more of your poetry. Keep writing!
Haha, and now for the moment of truth! To construct this poem, I just had people throw out random pairs of words that rhymed, and I formed the poem using some of those words. It definitely needs polishing, but I had to submit this for a contest, so I just made sure I got it in first.
Thank you very much for your review! ^_^
Oh, and welcome to the site! =D
beautiful! I don't hold any right to review it. Its beyond my reviewing
Thank you. ^_^