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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi there.
This is pretty solid. I don't see any awkwardness in it.
There are some things I'd like to address, however.
The whole first four stanzas of this poem aren't necessary. I know it's a huge edit to make, but they really are just warming up for the statements you're going to make later in the poem. I'd be okay with one warm up stanza, but half the poem is working up to what you're really trying to say. I know you're trying to do the whole circular thing, but it's not working for me. It's redundant because the poem is so short.
The poem would have more impact if it was just the last four stanzas (also if there weren't any ellipsis at the end of that last stanza-- take those out). It shows your emotions as it is. The first four are tell-y. But you are the poet. Do what seems right.
Make sure your dashes are dashes and not hyphens. You should do two hyphens to make a dash if you don't know where the actual dash is. Also, I suggest keeping the hyphen between human and dust a hyphen, but not having that space in between them. If that makes sense.
Altogether, though, you've got a really solid, coherent idea all the way through. Do what you wish with the first four stanzas.
I hope this was helpful, and that you aren't put off by my radical edit. Happy writing!
Hello ongoeslife, here are a few of my thoughts for you to mull over:
You need to be really careful not to use lines that are very very common in the public consciousness... at least not to start off your poem. Especially something that is so established. Religious imagery is really tricky, and here I don't know if you're really accomplishing making the reader think more than just reciting to them.
I think we, as readers, understand this already. You don't have to point it out.
Again you are bringing in the religious references. It seems to be much of what your poem is based on. That's not good because you need to have some originality to make it your own.
The second stanza here doesn't really say anything either. Just by stating things in the poem, we know that you know them.
This is the most interesting part of the poem. In fact, I think it is so interesting that you need to focus the whole poem around this idea. Holding ashes, even it isn't precisely the same ashes is a powerful idea. You could make the whole poem's idea about this and it would really make it more intriguing.
Again, we understand this. The great part about metaphors is that you don't need to tell us that they are metaphors. In fact, that's one of the most fun parts about reading a poem!
This is more of that fat you can cut. It's not doing anything for the poem. And we really do understand that you understand. You don't have to keep telling us.
In other words, scrap the whole poem.
I'm not trying to win any awards here; I just wrote this because I was thinking back on the day I had "contact" with my grandfather for the first time, and because I had that sudden revelation. But. I have to go now, so I will be back to continue addressing everything that you did.
Thanks for reviewing!
Hello life! Can I just call you Scrat? Cause he's my favorite character from that movie
. Anywho dogs here with your review today. Ok so one of the things I noticed is that you have the same stanza for the beginning and end, unless that stanza is a drop dead killer best stanza I've ever read it my life sort of stanza... then it's not a good idea. I would strongly suggest you replace one of those stanzas.
Ok the first stanza is fine, but I would take out the "..." and just replace it with a period after the "now." In the second stanza in the last line you say: "but not sand- dust" What is the purpose of this line? It seems just thrown in there, I can understand why that similar line is necessary for the other stanzas but here I don't understand why it's in this poem because we're not likely to confuse sand and dust considering you've never even mentioned sand.
Intresting lines coming up, I like the "no, not you; dust-/ in my hands" Thats a good line. Simple and too the point. Interesting thought that we're all created from dust and ashes.
I don't think I understand that second to last stanza. It doesn't make much coherent sense in the track you're running on.
And then we have the ending for which that issue I've already addressed. So all and all this poem is looking good, with a few touch ups it could be great. Although the biggest problem you're having is I don't know what you're trying to prove? What's your point? It's like your showing us all the facts of the matter but you're not using the facts to make a analytical statement. Try to figure out what you're trying to prove, more then that we're just ashes and dust, and then make that a more underlining statement in your writing. Let me know if you ever need a review on something. Keep up the good work!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Feel free!
Second stanza: We were on the beach spreading my grandfather's ashes into the sea, and I noticed some of the younger ones picking up sand to throw as well. It kind of bothered me... So, that's where the sand comes from. And in the line before that, it mentions sand blowing in the wind.
The second to last stanza is paired with the one before it. I'd always expected human ashes to be that grayish black, crinkly stuff you find in a fireplace once the fire burns out. Instead, they were a very fine whitish gray dust.
I hope that clarified everything for you! Thank you very much for the review!