What does it mean to be alive? Is it as simple as breathing, or is it to be a fish swimming against currents out of its control? Is it as calming as the wake before the sun, or do you dig to find a new layer to call home?
When I think of death, my hands coil around each other at the corner of my bed. “Erase my sins, take me whole.” It felt as if it was the only door to take, there was nothing to reverse the begging. Nothing to cure the hunger and put it to sleep. Yet now, it lingers. Creating a new ideology that I seem to follow to no end. It’s neither a part of me, it’s the world we walk in. It is in the tires of the cars racing to get home after a long-day’s shift, it is the washer swallowing your socks, the scrambling of keys to finally resting on the couch. I realize my view on death is convoluted, a nihilist's empty words, that death is a passing when nothing makes sense anymore. A conceited way of thinking that I’ve figured out the meaning of life for myself, so now I should be able to pass away with no regrets. That I do not need to explore the world and find my own meaning anymore. Still, I understand the beauty of each day. How even the smallest of towns like Truchas, can make life feel complete. How their gathering of passions made the afternoon tea taste more sweet. The guitar echoing and rippling in waves to the sound of the rain playing the drums, as the clouds all clear up, the colors collide. Where their stories of past troubles trickle down into a nostalgia of laughing until the stars shower the sky in their glory.
How easy it is to be seen by kinder eyes.As if she’s known me my whole life, there is no rebuke for her joy.
I felt it, Dès Vu, as the moment slipped through time that it would become a memory. And there was no way to capture it, no way to keep it for the future in any other way but remembering it. Would it mean to be fully present, when you’ve realized the significance of their eyes.
And once my body is laid to rest, turn my room into a museum free for taking. Turn my writings into scriptures for those aching. Let the flowers on my walls still be grazed by tender hands. Pass down belongings to anyone in need, let my room be a place of peace and sleep for anyone too tired to return to their own bed.
With every passing day,
… Does it seem so bad to live life small? To not make a big explosion into stardom but live with each spark in unison. How life has changed from rolling in passions to fighting for the barest form of creation.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hi. It's CATS again! I'm sorry, your writing is just too interesting to ignore
Let's dive in!
For a start, I am interested in how you presented this, started the writing with a few questions. You are full of ideas, my friend! Be careful with the punctuation though; the against currents and out of its control needs to be separated with a comma. I like how you question life in the start. It's an unique way. Moving on!
Ah, death. People are always in fear of it. It is so relatable, the first two lines. The narrator is desperate to be accepted. You describe death so...peaceful or tiring, I have to say. Great work here. I like how you compared death to a washer or keys. A panic, tiring, peaceful mode. The only thing is that neither is suppose to be not? Like, neither means two things at least, so not will fit there better. GREAT WORK SO FAR!
Now, the narrator is accepting the purpose and meaning of life and death. I think it's beautiful. He or she is not afraid of moving on, into death, yet they accept life as well. A great way to put this. Full of memory and it is smooth and flowing along well!
Again, watch out for the grammer, my friend! A space between the period and as will do good. You are doing an awesome job. Someone comforting to the narrator, someone who is kind and understanding of their problems. Relatable, yet peaceful mood!
Is Des Vu a short or different way of saying Deja Vu? If not, it would be good for the story to correct it. The narrator's mind is full of the past memories, it's in a way sad and stunning to read. Love it.
Ohhh, so the narrator will be at peace if their room were going to be well cared for and a place of resting. I would be at peace too! I love the details in this paragraph, it's stunningly descriptive.
A great finish, my friend! Every day is a new day, a new refresh to your life. I love how you included a question in the ending as well. Maybe take off the ellipsis, I don't think it fits well with the comma. The details in this make it starry, I feel energy burning as I read it. A well written paragraph or two. FANTASTIC JOB.
OVERALL: I feel like, with a few improvements like grammar or smoothness, it could be shaped into perfection. Your writing is very good, and I highly encourage you to write more! I can't wait for more of your works.
Happy Writing!
Love,
CATS
Hello hello and happy Review month.
I like the opening line an its comparison. I dont think this one works as well, for a couple reasons. Most.notably, it suddenly becomes a direct question when "do you" shows up, breaking the pattern, which also messes with the flow. I'm also not sure that "the Wake before the sun" is as evocative as waking with the sun which seems to be more natural or easy as with breathing vs swimming upstream. And I also dont find digging a new layer to connect with it in anyway. I would like to see both comparisons be a bit more cohesive in each half, but the first one is at least about breathing vs swimming upstream (implying exertion and thus harder breathing).
Yiu have many comma splices, but this is the first one so I thought id point it out. Alongside that, the "it" here is a bit hard to determine. After rereading I assume you mean Death, but a clearer wording might help.
Another comma splice here. Also, typically neither is accompanied by a nor statement, but there is none here. I think it would help to show the pivot in ideology.
The middle paragraph is quite chunky. I suggest breaking it in to two, perhaps with the "Still, I understand" line.
You are almost exclusively in the present tense. Using "made" instead of make here disrupts that and isnt necessary or consistent.
Is this an alternative spelling to deja? Also, this paragraph goes back into past tense when it doesn't need to be. I would make it present for better flow.
I really like this line.
This formatting is a little wonky with the comma and then new line with ellipses and a capitalized "done". Perhaps something like "with every passing day i wonder if it seems all that bad to live life so small?".
I like the overall message, and think you could push even further that all those little things actually can add up to be more than 1 or 2 giant moments.
Hope this helps
~Messy
I like the imagery in comparison of explosions vs sparks.
this is such an intimate way of viewing life, navigating it. this passive way of accepting death as apart of life, without the total shame or grief that's often associated with how we perceive death, makes the intimacy with life so much more meaningful. and to willingly offer yourself to others after passing... gosh. this is a great piece. i really, really enjoyed this!
Thank you so much :') I'm thankful that it can incite a feeling of closeness, it means the most to me to know you were able to feel and reciprocate the joy for life.
ah you're welcome so much ^^!!