Chapter 1
Alara
I always wanted to know how the world was created… to know who was in control of our lives but most of all to know if we really mattered in the grand scheme of things. I never believed any kind of religion. How can that much happen to one person? How can you get pregnant without having...you know what? It’s just too silly; too made up and I’m too old to be feed lies anymore.
(16 years prior)
Adonai (also known as God or creator of life on Earth) walked through the trees to the Nevoo. Ancients, an old race that lived there among the trees, went about their lives. They were a race of proud and strong warrior men who were one with nature. Elders, a race of female healers, sat on tree stumps reading books or tending to animal’s wounds.
Adonai, having walked into the clearing, now stood before a grand tree, its branches swooped down so close to the ground a child could easily reach and touch them. The tree was so large it could easily dwarf a city like London and it was taller than the skyscraper in Dubai. Upon the soft pale cream bark, there were windows that showed rooms each individual to the person or persons who lived there. Pretty purple leaves fell from the heavens as he walked but in truth they had come from the trees enormous branches. These leaves hung like grapes from the wood, they appeared to glow in the bright sunlight. Vines of a deep purple covered and the width and length of the tree. They entangled themselves to anything, the flowers, the branches, even the walkways hanging mid-air within the great mass of the tree. Adonai could see children playing on the walkways and the hummock areas that they lead to. He felt fear for them, as usual, but he knew their parent’s eyes very left their precious ones. At the top of the tree, there was a balcony for the God and Goddess of these lands.
Alara was so majestic here where Adonai stood. Rivers flowed gently and birds tweeted beautifully in the crisp morning air. There were flowers upon the tree, all different varieties, lilies, roses, lotuses and so many that were native to Alara. All the flowers were the colour purple however they varied in different shades. Here in Alara, the season was changing from summer to autumn so nature itself had begun to change. The flowers were falling from the tree moving where the wind took them before landing gently on the water that surrounded the base of the tree. Ancients went about their daily duties trying to show the Elders their manliness. Some went off to hunt in their traditional leather garments and handmade weapons with finely carved details on them. While others sat around talking and crafting things for their children.
The native music of the Elders flowed through the air which was being played high up the tree. The notes were like a blessing to the tried Adonai (though he was always tried, I mean teleportation takes up a lot of energy) who knew he didn’t have much further to walk. However, Adonai had forgotten about the many flights of stairs he would have to climb to get to the top. The people of Alara didn’t believe in modern technology, so an evaluator was out of the question. To top that off teleportation in the Nevoo was strictly forbidden as it interfered with Mother Nature’s magic.
“You're late by six hours,” Someone behind Adonai said playfully. He turned around to see that part of the tree had opened up to reveal stairs leading up to the many levels of the tree. Now he remembered about the dreaded stairs and let out a slight groan. Jade, who had spoken just a moment ago, stood with her hand on her hip, staring at him with those bright eyes, which dazzled like green jewels. Her white hair shined like the rainbow when the light hit it and her youthful skin glittered like freshly lain snow.
She was one of the most beautiful people you would ever lay eyes on but that wasn’t surprising, she was a nature goddess after all. Behind her stood a woman who seemed incredibly gentle and sweet from appearance but he knew what she was capable of anything. She was strong and highly intelligent, taking on anyone who dared hurt her lady. This was Lily, Jade’s bodyguard.
“I’m just too tired to be rushed about. Anyway, a man like me needs to have time to think especially when you have a brother like mine,” Adonai sighed. What he meant by that was when you have the Devil as a brother, you never get a break from his evil plans to kill you and your followers.
Just before he was about to leave something terrible had arisen. The Devil had sent vampires and werewolves to attack one of his strongest shapeshifters on Earth. No one was hurt thankfully but what worried him most of all was that one of them was pregnant. To lose a strong shapeshifter would be a blow to Heaven but to lose Lucy would be more of a blow to Adonai. He loved Lucy so very much and the little one she carried. He knew that the baby would turn out to be just like her parents. He could sense it was a girl, even though he didn’t really know.
He had to put all Earth shapeshifters on alert so that there weren’t any more surprise attacks. Lucy had been moved to the Sarana and would stay there for the duration of her pregnancy. This was only for Adonai piece of mind; he knew that they could protect themselves.
He thought of the times when Lucifer had been a strong, young boy who knew what was right from wrong. It was a long time ago but he remembered it as clearly as if it were just yesterday. Lucifer used to have a good heart until he found the path of evil which engulfed his soul and would never let go of him. Adonai realized that Jade had been talking this whole time and he hadn’t been paying any attention. I hope she doesn’t ask me a question he thought to himself.
Adonai wondered if he should tell Jade of what had happened. He was conflicted on what to do because when the Devil started to move it may be reason for everyone to start dreading. It would only make Jade worry and that wasn’t a good thing. So that was that. It was in her best interest for her not to know anything about the Devil’s new movements.
On the way, Jade said goodbye to her bodyguard who slipped into a very plain and modest room. It was a long way to the top of the tree, passing many doors that had astounding patterns carved by a steady hand. It was like something from a dream, the tree was hollow yet it was still alive. The wood was smooth to the touch; it seemed man made but Adonai never dare ask for fear of upsetting or enraging the people of Alara. Adonai loved being here, to behold the greatest that was the Nevoo. He just wished it wasn’t so tall. “Just another 100 floors to go,” Adonai groaned under his breath which didn’t seem to be there anymore.
By the time they got to the top Adonai had counted 1045 doors, each with their own unique pattern. The room he was now in was homely, mostly containing animal skins and wood furnishing, done in a way that didn’t make it feel flung together. It still felt warm and lovely, with a roaring fire on the other side of the room. It gave him some comfort after walking all that way up the tree.
He looked over to where the man sat by the fireplace. Ash looked like any normal Ancient that lived there. The dark brown hair, pale skin and blood red eyes. However, he had an air about him that said he was much more powerful. Beside him sat what appeared to be a monster but Adonai knew that this was a very kind hearted nenoba, sort of cross between many different kinds of big cats. The animal lifted his head and fixed Adonai with cool, intelligent eyes.
“Adonai, it lovely to see you again,” the nenoba said gently.
“You too, Hu.”
“Uncle, shouldn’t you be doing something productive, I know you’re a cat now but you don’t need to act like one.” Ash joked. Hu had once been a person only 20 million years ago until a demonic raid damaged his body beyond repair. His body was transferred into the nearest thing, a folly of love some would say. Though if Ash heard them say it they wouldn’t be talking for a long while after.
They talked for many hours after that. Adonai found it difficult to keep the secret from them, they were his friends as well as his allies and he couldn’t something this big away from them. So he told them. Ash took the news better than expected, his warrior nature playing a role in his calm exterior but Jade, well she was being a mother… and it is was terrifying.
“Hey, Willow what are you writing?” Said Leah from the doorway, “Your mum let us in by the way.”
I looked up from what I was writing in my diary and tried to shake away the dreaminess in my eyes. It wasn’t much; nothing had really happened lately that was worth telling my diary. Looking across my messy room (still, I know where everything is) I noticed Uri stood in the centre of it. He had ruby coloured hair that had that cute flick that covered one of his eyes, eyes that were ablaze with flames. Leah was by the door looking flustered, looking at the time on her new watch. I took that as a hint and started to get myself ready for school.
“Bye mum, bye dad,” I said with a mouthful of toast, rushing out the door to catch up with Uri and Leah who were standing in the corridor waiting for the lift.
“Come on we are going to be late!” Exclaimed Leah in a frantic voice. Leah, my best friend, hated being late. Most people thought she was a teacher’s pet, a goody too shoes. All I thought the first time I met her was wow, this girl is crazy! I guess that’s what drew me to her.
My family moved to London when I was 12 years old from a small village called Grendon. It was big difference changing from a small village to a huge city and I found it hard to fit in because my parents had home-schooled me from the age of 5. Uri’s family had moved with us, he always seemed to follow me where ever I went, looking out for me like a brother.
I was finally into the fresh air and out of that stuffy lift that smelt like ham and wobbled from side to side when you neared the next floor. As per usual I drifted back into my head for comfort but was sorely awoken by the sound of a very high-pitch, annoying voice.
“So I was like OMG you are totally not wearing that!” Oh great. Emma was here. The one girl that I have an almost uncontrollable desired to punch in the face. So I zoned out, again, into my own little world, where there is no one like Emma or worse. I always went into my daydream, it is so much better than normal life. My dad said it made me creative, my teachers and mum said it made me lazy and hard to work with. Well, you can’t please the masses.
We were at school within a couple of minutes, thank God. Another few minute of listening to Emma complaining about life and I might have gone insane. Uri stood at the main gate having gone ahead from the main group. Probably so he didn’t have to be anywhere near Emma which was a good plan. While I approach him I noticed how people were staring at him, whispering to each other. Most likely about the way he looked but I don’t think he cared.
They would say things like “why would he chose to look like that, freak,” or “what a weirdo, he should start living in the real world.”
They thought that he chose to look like that, that he was wearing red contacts and dye his hair red. The whole year thought that he was living in some fantasy life that he was trying to get attention, though apparently to them everything is done for attention. What many people didn’t know was he had been that way his whole life. In pictures of him as a baby, he had always had those impressive red eyes with a little tuft of red sprouting from his head.
He may not notice (or chose not to) but I did. All I could was notice the hateful comments; it really made me despise the people in my school. They weren’t worth my attention if they wanted to act like that. The one I hated the most was my brother, Markus, the heartless monster. He would, every day, have some sort of insult up his dirty sleeves ready to bring Uri down. I wish I wasn’t a twin or at least to him.
“Miss Evans is going to be mad at us if you don’t hurry up slowcoach.” I hadn’t realized that I had stopped and was now just looking at Uri. I shook my head, trying to get my focus back. I should really stop thinking about it; it would get me down every time.
Walking through school I notice that something was odd. Something not quite right. It was Uri. He seemed more shifty than usual as if something were bothering him. It couldn’t be that he heard what the people had said; he never reacted like that before. I tried to forget about it but today was the most boring day of the week. No music, art, drama, just boring old lesson with boring teachers. No way of expressing myself or taking my mind off things by laughing at my music teachers funny jokes. I couldn’t talk to Leah about it, she would just tell me I’m being paranoid or something like that. So forgetting was easier said than done.
I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it so I decided I would go talk to Uri about it at lunch. I told him it was bothering me and that I was worried. Instead of getting I’m ok or not or thanks for worrying, he just said it was none of my business and wouldn’t listen to what I was saying. Something was definitely wrong here. Uri didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day even though I sat right next to him in all my lessons. If that wasn’t bad enough I had a detention with Miss Ugly faced Evans. Oh great!
It was the end of the school day at last. I stormed off towards the little alley that I normally don’t go near. It was so dark down there even if was sunny. It looked like it was from an old horror movie with water coming out of the broken pipes. Old rubbish and possibly some rotting animals were down there making the place smell like hard boiled eggs.
My mum said never to take this way because a lot of bad things had happened here. People had been killed, mugged, and worse, more than normal for an alleyway in London. I promised my mum that I wouldn’t every go down there even if I was in a hurry to get back home. I had kept that until now. I couldn’t help it; it felt like I was being pulled in like someone was tugging on a rope to move me towards the alleyway.
End of chapter
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Hey it's marmalade here for her promised review! I hope you like my review and if you have any criticism for my review please PM me or reply to this review because I want to help the author and their work. c:
Anyway first let's start with grammar (the worst part xD ):
There were flowers on the tree, all different varieties, lilies, roses, lotuses and so many that were native to Alara.
I have two problems with this sentence. 1) "People don't like being told what to think, they like to be shown what to imagine" and 2) "the Devil started to move it may be reason for everyone to start dreading" doesn't make any sense (and devil shouldn't be capitalized unless it's his name and then you won't need the "the" in front of it).
“Your mum let us in, by the way.”
I noticed Uri stood in the center of it.
I always wanted to know how the world was created; to know who was in control of our lives but most of all to know if we really mattered in the grand scheme of things.
The notes were like a blessing to the tired Adonai
(though he was always tired, I mean teleportation takes up a lot of energy)who knew he didn’t have much further to walk.I hope she doesn’t ask me a question, he thought to himself.
in literature you want to write out numbers
you don't need to capitalize God here
ok is text slang, write "okay"
Suggestions and Advice on Plot and Everything Else:
The first line confused me which is not a good thing, well actually first paragraph. I don't really think it should be included and I think you should get rid of the "(16 years prior)". That would be a better start and you can always included the narrators thoughts later when you are building their character and character back story. See, the first paragraph doesn't fit of have a good enough conclusion for you to just cut it off and start your story. Either go into more detail so we can see the point of that paragraph or cut it out. "Adonai (also known as God or creator of life on Earth) walked through the trees to the Nevoo." instead of explaining Adonai is the God in brackets use a beginning sentence or just don't mention it and the reader will figure it out on their own. "Adonai, having walked into the clearing, now stood before a grand tree, its branches swooped down so close to the ground a child could easily reach and touch them." this is a run on and you could have broken it up. For example, "Adonai walked into the clearing and now stood before a grand tree. Its branches swooped down so close to the ground a child could easily reach and touch them. "The tree was so large it could easily dwarf a city like London and it was taller than the skyscraper in Dubai" I have a problem with this. Is this taken place on our Earth or is this fantasy? Because you need to write like you don't even know what Earth is when you are writing fantasy. Do these people even know what London and Dubai, let alone the skyscraper, is? "Pretty purple leaves fell from the heavens as he walked but in truth they had come from the trees enormous branches." you don't need to tell us that they are coming from the branches. I don't think anyone actually thought they were coming from the heavens xD. I found this chapter boring. The imagery wasn't a good kind of imagery, almost like there was too much in the wrong places. There didn't seem like a plot to this chapter besides the God walking around. You are more explaining the scenery in facts than feelings and emotions. I would love to see more metaphors and things like that. "Ancients went about their daily duties trying to show the Elders their manliness." this sentence kind of irritated me xD what were they doing to show their manliness? Also don't they have more important things to do that show their manliness. It seemed really sterotypical of the men being manly and the woman being delicate, caring nurses to animals. I'd like to see more individuality and also characters! Oh, that's definitely needed. So far the Adonai has like no personality and no character. The story needs characters to save it from boring the readers. You should read your dialogue out loud and imagine it like you are talking to someone because it lacks natural-ness. It's sort of awkward. Please don't use brackets it leaves a sort of unfinished and unprofessional feeling. When Adonai is talking about his brother you could have used emotion and flashback as imagery. Emotion is really lacking in this piece. And your characters seem to lack personality and all seem like pretty tyipical. Try to make them different and quirky. You should read and think as you read what is happening and how the writers are writing. That really helps me to reread a famous book that I enjoy like Harry Potter, Nancy Drew, or Pride & Prejudice and think about the structure of sentences, paragraphs, and dialogue. How does the writer describe something. How does the narrator speak because believe it or not that is really important. Your narrator seems a little casual which doesn't really fit the whole fantasy world you are creating (in my opinion). I'm so confused why are we in London all of the sudden? When did that happen? You need to show a large gap between paragraph when you are changing scenes so the readers don't get confused. Because I am very confused. "I told him it was bothering me and that I was worried." dialogue is always better than description. Show us she told him and don't tell us. The ending was sort of "eh" like if you were trying to leave us on a cliffhanger it wasn't strong enough for me to be like "oh! I wonder what happens next!"
Biggest Issues:
-I felt like the chapter was a lot longer than my liking, but that's your choice. It was nearly 3,000 words which is a lot since most of my chapters are 1,800 xD
-Show don't tell is my BIGGEST issue. I just really hate being told flat out. "It was majestic", "She was happy", and "My mum said never to take this way because a lot of bad things had happened here" show dialogue, flashbacks, use imagery.
-boring and didn't give me any plot until the very VERY end and it end felt rushed.
Video Suggestions (might use bad language but they are helpful to me):
marmalade
Thank you for your review! I'll be sure to take that into account when I go back over it. The video was really helpful by the way
Your welcome! c:
Heya, Occymay! Casanova here to do a review!
First off I'd like to say your plot was rather intriguing and that I liked it. So props for that. On to the next thing.
The first thing I noticed was the first paragraph-
Now, I'm Christian and I believe in the Bible and all that. But, to start off with, you say,"any kind of religion," then you move on to describe something without mentioning what it was. I think you're talking about Christianity, but I'm not for certain. There's too many religions to count. And this seems, since it is the first paragraph, to be an important part of your characters personality and such. I would suggest specifying that. On to the next point.
The next thing I don't understand is the,"16 years prior," part. Why this, whenever the starter paragraph could've been at any time? I mean, it is 16 years prior to whenever you say that, but considering you did say,"I always.." The 16 years later part doesn't make sense. Anyway, on to the next point.
I feel like the narrator here lacks something. The characters around her have alot more personality- and besides the first paragraph it seems like you're just listing how she is. What she is. What makes her her. Do you understand what I mean? Besides the rushing out the door with a mouthful of toast(Which to me dictates impatience and a knack for being late) there's not really much to go on. Leah has more of a personality than the narrator does, and Leah is mentioned less. I would say emotions could help this. Putting emotions into words, phrasings, actions. Things like that. Anyway, on to the next point.
The plot unfold rather quickly at the start, but nulls down towards the end. Don't exactly my style(I like for the whole thing to be dramatic and suspenseful) But nothing wrong with it.
In dialogue don't capitalize the connecting word outside of dialogue, unless it's a pronoun.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on. I hope this helped.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Ah, thank you! I'll try to sort these out
No problem
Hey there! Sheadun here to review this story of yours! I'm sure I will enjoy reviewing it as much as you did writing it!

Overall, really solid and interesting plot! Your character is coming along really nicely and I hope to see more from this story in the future!
Now, I'm just going to point out some minor grammatical and structural problems within your story! In the very first sentence, you start it off with "I always...", this is fine but I think that it would make more sense for you to say "I have always", or "I've always", it will just make your word flow better! Also, in your first sentence you say "I always wanted to know how the world was created... to know who was in control of our lives but most of all to know if we really mattered in the grand scheme of things". This is a bit of a run on sentence. Try to condense the sentence by making it more like "I have always wanted to know how the world was created. To know who as in control of our lives. Most of all, to if we really matted in the entire grand scheme of things." I think that this will help the reader along with understand long the character's point of view.
There are more of these types of grammatical mistakes, but just go through and use my advice to understand the rest of the mistakes within this story.
Overall, I love this story! The character and the story is really great! I am amazed by how great of a writer and how good your style is!
Keep writing and I will keep reviewing,
Love it!
Sheadun
Thank you! That really means a lot
Your advice was helpful as well!
Hello! It was a pleasure to read this. The imagery presented paints a very clear picture of what is happening in this chapter. I rather enjoyed the lore in Adonai's perspective. Reading Willow's half of the story, I liked how you made her feelings for the other characters believable, like her annoyance for Emma and her confusion at Uri's later behavior.
However, I have noticed some minor mistakes in this chapter. The first is in the very first paragraph: "It’s just too silly; too made up and I’m too old to be feed lies anymore." Near the end of this sentence you used the word "feed" as opposed to the word "fed," which is in past tense and would better suit the sentence. The next is in the second paragraph: "Elders, a race of female healers, sat on tree stumps reading books or tending to animal’s wounds." Here, the word "animal's" refers to a single animal, and I'm pretty sure the poor thing would be stressed if there were at least twenty women gathered around it. The correct word is "animals'" which means that there is more than one animal being treated. In the fourth paragraph you wrote: "All the flowers were the colour purple however they varied in different shades." It would be better to either split the sentence in two and add a comma after "however" ("All the flowers were the colour purple. However, they varied in different shades.") or add a semicolon after "purple" and put in the comma ("All the flowers were the colour purple; however, they varied in different shades.").
Did you mean the word "tried" or "tired"? In my opinion, the latter is a better choice.
You tend to leave out commas, such as in the sentences, "Here in Alara, the season was changing from summer to autumn[,] so nature itself had begun to change. The flowers were falling from the tree[,] moving where the wind took them before landing gently on the water that surrounded the base of the tree."
You reveal early on that the Devil is Adonai's brother, but then he makes an appearance in the next paragraph. You can keep Adonai's revealing statement as a buildup to the Devil's appearance, but take out the sentences in the rest of the paragraph. The readers will figure it out. After all, there needs to be a malevolent force to counteract the good. Also, how could Adonai sense that the baby was a girl but not know?
Given what I read, Uri started out as a either a levelheaded or a willfully oblivious dude. What was with the sudden personality twist? There was truly no warning to the reader that he was prone to outbursts, as the narrator herself was confused by his sudden behavior and made no recollection that he reacts in such a way to outside forces. It would seem a bit more realistic for Uri to act like nothing was wrong for a while, given his calm personality, and then have Willow notice that he was becoming distant or a bit more protective over her as a result of whatever happened to him.
When you switch perspectives, give the audience a warning. Put a decorative pattern after Adonai's pov, like a ~*~. Such patterns are usually centered and are associated with change, but where they go and how they look are your decisions, of course.
Again, this was a wonderful read and I would be glad to see more from you! I wasn't trying to put you down or anything when pointing out those grammatical mistakes, so I apologize if it seems that way. Keep writing!
Ah, that's really lovely to hear. Don't worry about pointing stuff out I definitely needed it. I'll see to the changes soon, they were really helpful. Thank you!