Published December 8, 2016
Chapter 1
Alara
Adonai walked through the trees to the Nevoo. Ancients, an old race that lived among the trees, went about their daily duties trying to show off to the elders, who laughed at their attempts. They were a race of proud and strong warrior men and exceptional craftsman who could control nature like an extended limb.
Elders, a race of female healer/warrior females, sat on tree stumps reading books or tending to animal’s wounds. They seemed like gentle women now but come the training session they would become vicious creatures. Their healer skills turning into deadly weapons, their control over the human body a terrifying prospect.
Groups of elders and ancients went off to hunt in their traditional leather garments and handmade weapons with finely carved details on them. While others sat around talking and crafting things for their children.
Somewhere off in the distance, a group stood around a dusty, beaten circle where two people were training. The fighter class was run by Rowan and Oak, twins rarely seen alone, who shouted out lesson to those fighting. A woman and a man fought within the ring, learning hand to hand combat. The man had brute strength but the women had grace and an intelligent mind on her side. In just a few minutes she had the ancient flat on his back, eyes wide, mouth hanging open.
As he was helped up he managed to mutter “best of three?” The elder smirked, hands on hips, before turning away to walk back to her friends.
Adonai, having walked into the clearing, now stood before a grand tree, its branches swooped down so close to the ground a child could easily reach and touch them. The tree was so large it could easily dwarf central London and it was taller than the skyscraper in Dubai. Upon the soft pale cream bark there were windows that showed rooms each individual to the person or persons who lived there.
Pretty purple leaves fell from the heavens as he walked. These leaves hung like grapes from the wood, they appeared to glow in the bright sunlight. Vines of a deep purple covered and the width and length of the tree. They entangled themselves to anything, the flowers, the branches, even the walkways hanging mid-air within the great mass of the tree. Adonai could see children playing on the walkways and the hummock areas that they lead to. He felt fear for them, as usual, but he knew their parent’s eyes very left their precious ones. At the top of the tree there was a balcony for the God and Goddess of these lands.
Alara was so majestic here where Adonai stood. Rivers flowed gently and birds tweeted beautifully in the crisp morning air. There were flowers upon the tree, all different varieties, lilies, roses, lotuses and so many that were native to Alara, all of them purple. However, they varied in different shades from a white violet to an electric shade of plum.
Here in Alara, the season were changing from summer to autumn, so nature itself had begun to change. The flowers kept falling from the tree, moving where the wind took them before landing gently on the water that surrounded the base of the tree. The purple leaves of the tree darkening and withering as a chill set into the air. Fewer animals could be seen within the dim lighting of the trees beyond. Normally the land was rife with bears, wild cats, wolves and deer but now was the time of migration and hibernation.
The native music of the Elders flowed through the air. The notes made a tired Adonai sigh who knew he didn’t have much further to walk. However, Adonai had forgotten about the many flights of stairs he would have to climb to get to the top. The people of Alara didn’t believe in modern technology, so an evaluator was out of the question. To top that off teleportation in the Nevoo was strictly forbidden as it interfered with Mother Nature’s magic.
“You're late by six hours,” someone behind Adonai said playfully. He turned around to see that part of the tree had opened up to reveal stairs leading up to the many levels of the tree. Now he remembered about the dreaded stairs and let out a slight groan. Jade, who had spoken just a moment ago, stood with her hand on her hip, staring at him with those bright eyes dazzling like green jewels. Her white hair shined in the autumn sun and her youthful skin glittered like freshly lain snow.
She was one of the most beautiful people you would ever lay eyes on but that wasn’t surprising, she was a nature Goddess after all. Behind her stood a woman who seemed incredibly gentle and sweet in appearance but the look in her eyes told him she was a very capable foe. She was strong and highly intelligent, taking on anyone who dared hurt her lady. This was Lily, Jade’s bodyguard.
“Today hasn’t been a good day, the devil has begun to move, and she is in possible danger, Jade.” Or that was what Adonai wanted to say but instead he muttered “Sorry” and nothing else.
Adonai sighed.
His little brother, the devil, the two had a hard time mixing in his mind. He no longer saw his dear Lucifer hidden with the devil; he was now just a monster.
He thought of the times when Lucifer had been a strong, young boy who knew what was right from wrong. It was a long time ago but he remembered it as clearly as if it were just yesterday. Lucifer used to have a good heart until he found the path of evil which engulfed his soul and would never let go of him.
“Lucifer!” Adonai shouted, looking around for his troublesome little brother. “Where are you, you little monkey.”
Continuing to laugh, he traveled up the stairs to his father’s study. It was the only place left which Lucifer liked to hide.
Why had he agreed to play this game again? Lucifer was too old to be playing these games yet here Adonai was, encouraging him!
As he approached the grand doors of the study, he steadied his breathing and gently knocked. Minutes passed as Adonai waited for his father to answer. Adonai had learnt his lesson about entering his father’s study without permission. He’d nursed his broken arm for many weeks, having been too young to heal it any quicker.
Knocking again, there was still no answer but Adonai swore that he could hear something within the room. Something moving about, and another noise, one he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Pushing the door open as quietly as he could, he entered the room only to behold an unfamiliar place. Everything was covered in blood and in the centre of it all laid their father… a ball of twisting black matter eating away at his heart.
A black hooded figure stood, staring out of the window, his back facing Adonai.
“Lucifer?” he whispered gently, not knowing why he called for a brother who was clearly not there.
But the horrid thing was… that he stood right before him, hands drenched in blood and his back devoid of wings.
“What have you done little brother?” Adonai asked desperately as Lucifer’s dark form disappeared.
Tears choked his throat as he remembered that day. Shaking it from his head, he returned to present and that was when Adonai realized that Jade had been talking this whole time. He hadn’t been paying any attention. I hope she doesn’t ask me anything he thought to himself.
Adonai wondered if he should tell Jade of what had happened. He was conflicted on what to do because when Lucifer started to move it may be reason for everyone to start dreading. It would only make Jade worry and that wasn’t a good thing. So that was that. It was in her best interest for her not to know anything about Lucifer’s new movements.
On the way, Jade said goodbye to her bodyguard who slipped into a very plain and modest room. It was a long way to the top of the tree, passing many doors that had astounding patterns carved by a steady hand. It was like something from a dream, the tree was hollow yet it was still alive. The wood was smooth to the touch; it seemed man made but Adonai never dare ask for fear of upsetting or enraging the people of Alara. Adonai loved being here, to behold the greatest that was the Nevoo. He just wished it wasn’t so tall. “Just another hundred more floors to go,” Adonai groaned under his breath which didn’t seem to be there anymore.
By the time they got to the top Adonai had counted one thousand and forty five doors, each with their own unique pattern. The room he was now in was homely, mostly containing animal skins and wood furnishing. It still felt warm and lovely, with a roaring fire on the other side of the room. It gave him some comfort after walking all that way up the tree.
He looked over to where the man sat by the fireplace. Ash looked like any normal Ancient that lived there. The dark brown hair, pale skin and blood red eyes. However, he had an air about him that said he was much more powerful. Beside him sat what appeared to be a monster, well to put it nicely, a nenoba, an odd and majestic mix of big cat. He had a big purple mane, like a lion, with blue stripes across his body, like tiger, just not entirely the same colour. Adonai approached the beast with carelessly steps, knelling in front of him.
“How’s my fluffy friend doing?” Adonai said in a high pitch voice commonly used for babies and domestic cats.
A growl emanated from the nenoba. The hair on its black rising with anger as its mouth grew back to revel pink gums and sharp, yellow teeth. His back began to rise. Before Adonai realised he had already ponced, pushing Adonai to the floor.
Ash began to laugh at Adonai’s face as the beast continued to snarl at him. “Watch it, Adonai, you’ll lose an arm.”
“Hmm, don’t tempt me, nephew,” the nenoba laughed, licking Adonai’s face playfully.
“Hello Hu, mind letting me up?”
“Is that fear I hear in your voice? Is our little God scared of a big old pussycat?” he mocked in a childlike way.
Hu had once been a person only 20 million years ago until a demonic raid damaged his body beyond repair. His body was transferred into the nearest thing, a folly of love some would say. Though if Ash heard them, they wouldn’t be talking for a long while after.
They talked for many hours after that. Adonai found it difficult to keep the secret from them, they were his friends as well as his allies and he couldn’t keep something this big away from them. So he told them. Ash took the news better than expected, his warrior nature playing a role in his calm exterior but Jade, well she was being a mother… and it is was terrifying.
~*~
“Hey, Willow, what are you writing?” said Leah from the doorway, “Your mum let us in, by the way.”
I looked up from what I was writing in my diary and tried to shake away the dreaminess in my eyes. I’d been asleep, absently staring at my diary as my mind drifted to other places. Looking across my messy room (still, I know where everything is) I noticed Uri stood in the centre of it. He had ruby coloured hair that had that cute flick that covered one of his eyes.
Eyes that were ablaze with flames.
Leah was by the door looking flustered, glancing constantly at the time on her new watch. I took that as a hint and started to get myself ready for school.
“Bye mum, bye dad,” I said with a mouthful of toast, rushing out the door to catch up with Uri and Leah who were standing in the corridor waiting for the lift.
“Come on, we are going to be late!” exclaimed Leah in a frantic voice. Leah, my best friend, hated being late. Most people thought she was a teacher’s pet, a goody too shoes. All I thought the first time I met her was wow, this girl is crazy! I guess that’s what drew me to her.
My family moved to London when I was 12 years old from a small village called Grendon. It was big difference changing from a small village to a huge city and I found it hard to fit in because my parents had home-schooled me from the age of 5. Uri’s family had moved with us, he always seemed to follow me where ever I went, looking out for me like a brother.
Some would say I was socially awkward but I was picky about the people I choose as friends. I choose time spent in my father art studio than socialising with people I had nothing in common with. Of course, I always made time for Uri and Leah, time spent with them never felt wasted as it did with others. I loved creating new art, listening to calming music and cracking terrible jokes with dad. My heart seemed to sing at those peaceful moments.
I was finally into the fresh air and out of that stuffy lift, which smelt like ham and wobbled from side to side when you neared the next floor. As per usual I drifted back into my head for comfort but was sorely awoken by the sound of a very high-pitch, annoying voice.
“So I was like OMG you are totally not wearing that!” Oh great. Emma was here. The one girl that I have an almost uncontrollable desired to punch in the face. I didn’t like violence, apart from when it came to Emma, sometimes I dreamed about throwing a football in her face. So I zoned out, again, into my own little world, where there is no one like Emma or worse. I always went into my daydreams when life got a little too difficult. My dad said it made me creative, my teachers and mum said it made me lazy and hard to work with. Well, you can’t please the masses!
We were at school within a couple of minutes, thank god. Another few minutes of listening to Emma complaining about life and I might have gone insane. Uri stood at the main gate having gone ahead from the main group. Probably so he didn’t have to be anywhere near Emma which was a good plan. While I approach him I noticed how people were staring at him, whispering to each other. Most likely about the way he looked but I don’t think he cared.
They would say things like “why would he chose to look like that, freak,” or “what a weirdo, he should start living in the real world.”
They thought that he chose to look like that, that he was wearing red contacts and dyed his hair red. The whole year thought that he was living in some fantasy life. What many people didn’t know was he had been that way his whole life. In pictures of him as a baby, he had always had those impressive red eyes with a little tuft of red sprouting from his head. I smiled at the image in my head.
“Miss Evans is going to be mad at us if you don’t hurry up slowcoach.” I hadn’t realized that I had stopped and was now just looking at Uri. My cheeks flooded with heat as they slowly began to turn red. I shook my head, trying to get my focus back. I hurried to catch up with him, hoping I wasn’t being too weird.
Walking through school I noticed that something was odd. Something not quite right. It was Uri. He seemed more shifty than usual as if something were bothering him. It couldn’t be that he heard what the people had said; he never reacted like that before. I tried to forget about it but today was the most boring day of the week. No music, art, drama, just boring old lesson with boring teachers. No way of expressing myself or taking my mind off things by laughing at my music teachers funny jokes. I couldn’t talk to Leah about it, she would just tell me I’m being paranoid or something like that. So forgetting was easier said than done.
I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it so I decided to take action. It was the end of the school day and Uri was stood outside of the main gates. Hesitantly walking over to him. I tapped him gently on the shoulder and waited for him to turn around. He smiled but it was his normally, happy smile and I noticed how his eyes keep scanning our surroundings. He was holding his shoulders tightly, as if he was worried.
“Uri, are you okay?” reaching my hand out to touch him.
He shrugged away, “I’m fine,” he said in a harsh voice that made me choke on my voice, several seconds went by before I found the courage to speak.
“Uri, what is up with you today?” I said my voice raising a few octaves higher.
“You don’t have screech, okay. I’m fine, now leave me alone, Willow. It’s none of your business.”
“Fine, be a douche!” I said, my voice filled with tears as I stormed off towards the dark alley.
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Hey there! Care for a review this lovely Review Day?
I think you have a pretty cool setting, and world going on here. It seems like you've put a lot of work and thought into world building, and that's always really awesome to see! ^_^
Something I noticed was it took us a very long time to get into the actual story. For a very long time it was mostly just setting the scene- and don't get me wrong, it's important to set the scene and give the reader a good picture, but there needs to be a balance- too much description can actually get quite boring, sadly (I enjoy painting a very large picture for my readers too, so I get the feeling- something I have to train myself out of!). For the longest time we don't know anything about the MC; they're just walking and observing, and so it's really hard to form a connection with the story.
When I start reading a novel, or any kind of story, I want to know first and for-most why I'm reading the story/novel. What's it about? What am I going to get out of this? I want to be told a story- but sadly readers tend to be impatient- we want things IMMEDIATELY... which, of course, is nearly impossible to do, as a writer. So how can we get reader's attention? Ya gotta hook 'em. Start with the story- what's happening? Lots of people like to start out stories where the character wakes up, gets changed, does her makeup, admires herself in the mirror, frowns at her nose, eats breakfast, etc-- but that's just keeping the reader from the actual story. Most people have a similar morning routine, and if there's something SO interesting about your morning routine that it actually is the beginning of the story, that's great. But, most morning routines don't hook a reader. My point here is: find where the story really starts, and write it from there. Background and imagery can come in later. C:
We also didn't really get to know the character in the beginning at all- who is this person we're reading about? What's going on in his mind? There's a lot of description, but what does the MC think about the trees and the leaves and the people out doing different activities? If we're let into the character's inner world, we actually get to know them a great deal and it's really awesome.
So the flashback was something else I wanted to mention! Flashbacks can be really cool, but I didn't realize a flashback was happening until I was in the middle of reading it! Sometimes it can help to clear up and kind of prepare the reader for a flashback by saying something like which brought back dreadful memories- that's not a very good example, but I think you get the idea. It just helps warn the writer that we're going to be time travelling! ^_^
Anyway, I think you have a pretty cool start! Best of wishes and I hope you post more!!! C: Keep it up!
-Socks
Thank you for your review! I did originally have a small section at the beginning but I was told it wasn't any good so I binned it. I see what you mean about not enough story so I'll see if I can add something into it.
No problem! c:
Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review.
First off, this was a good first chapter. it gave off that MMORPG, anime vibe many fans love in various animesque stories.
"“Fine, be a douche!” I said, my voice filled with tears as I stormed off towards the dark alley."
When i started reading it, the character had like a J. R. R. Tolkien-esque lord of the rings, medieval dialect, expressing a sense of poise and etiquette. However, when shifting to the mortal world, demonstrating humanity's vocabulary was nicely done.
I enjoyed how you referenced biblical names like Adonai and Lucifer, for your characters. It gives off the sense of Gnosticism for the fictionalized pantheon of the story. Just asking, but is Adonai really "God" or is he more of a demiurge deity. You know, he created the universe but is imperfect and is taking the identity of the Bythos (God)? Lucifer, being defiant, rebellious, and "Evil" gives expresses the theme of theological dualism nicely. However, you still need to give him some more personality and not make Lucifer stereotypically evil like in the bible.
"Elders, a race of female healer/warrior females, sat on tree stumps reading books or tending to animal’s wounds. They seemed like gentle women now but come the training session they would become vicious creatures. Their healer skills turning into deadly weapons, their control over the human body a terrifying prospect."
You shouldn't explain the Elders too soon in the first chapter. maybe be discreet and explain bits of them throughout the story, along with any other races. Also, you used "female" twice and should remove the second mentioning in the paragraph.
Anyway, this was pretty good. keep writing and hope you do well.
Thank for your review! Adonai is God of light and he was molded from the concept of God in christainity but as I have edited this he's drifted further away from it. The second chapter is actually in the point of view of Lucifer so you'll see more of his character. Unfortunately, the elders don't play a big part in this book for reasons to do with the plot, they only feature slightly in one other chapter in the book so I had to explain them here in more detail.
thanks for explaining!