Published January 26, 2017
Hello, this is the prologue to my series Knowing Gods which are already up on this site. I wasn't sure if this gave away too much or if it needed improving. Let me know what you think by giving me a review. Thank you!
Prologue
The new arrival
The night air was brisk against his skin, the seasons were changing but it was yet to be noticed by the old and very fragile man. He stood on the healthy green grass next to neatly cut stone tiles placed along the ground. The path lead up to a chocolate box house. It looked warm and cosy with a big fire going. However at that moment that wasn’t what caught the man’s eye. No, instead his was looking straight at the people in inside, cuddled together for warmth in this cold season. The man had learnt that this couple adorned children but what people didn’t know was that they couldn’t have their own. He’d been watching their lives from afar, seeing whether they were a good choice.
Now he stood in front of their house after making his rather easy decision. He had chosen them to look after him as he knew they would take him in with open arms. The man stepped forward slowly and quietly as not to attract their attention. After much slow, silent walking he finally reached the front door. Here, he could now unfold the blue blanket in his wrinkled hands and place it gently over his shoulders.
The old man took a deep breath and spoke some lyrical words that were of an ancient language not of this world (or any, for now, that world was gone). By the end of the sentence, the man was covered from head to toe in a calm and warm fire. It had very little glow as to not attract people’s attention.
“Ashtare, penoram.” He was gone before he uttered the last syllable. All that was left in his place was the blue blanket and a pile of ash that shifted against the breeze. Eventually, the ashes were gone, flowing in the wind, gone to everyone but the child who now lay wrapped comfortably in the blanket. A scream immerged from the blanket, cold hitting its newborn skin.
He continued to scream until the door of the house opened and a surprised woman laid her eyes upon the small body that lay on her front door step. She sunk to her knees at the sight of the child, “Aw, you poor thing.” She scooped the child into her arms, laying it gently in her warm embrace. Annie gasped at how natural it felt to hold such a small life in her arms. “You need someone to love you?” Tears ran down her face, “I’ll love you.”
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Hi, Pentavalence here with a review.
Here's the thing about prologues: a lot of authors include them where they're unnecessary, and load a bunch of random information on readers. I haven't read the rest of your story, so I'm not 100% positive, but I think it could be expressed as a flashback or something in a couple paragraphs later in your story.
Also, at one point you refer to the baby as "it" and in the next sentence as "he". It would be helpful if you stuck to one pronoun or the other, because it was kind of confusing to read.
There's a lot of action in here, which is good, but there's also a TON of adjectives. Not that the description isn't bad, just that it's unnecessary, especially in this paragraph:
"the seasons were changing but it was yet to be noticed by the old and very fragile man. He stood on the healthy green grass next to neatly cut stone tiles placed along the ground. The path lead up to a chocolate box house. It looked warm and cosy with a big fire going. "
I would cut out most of the adjectives, leaving it something like this:
"the seasons were changing but it was yet to be noticed by the old man. He stood on the grass, next to neatly cut stone tiles leading up to a house. The house looked warm and cosy with a big fire going. "
(I don't want to seem rude or like I'm writing your story for you. This is just a suggestion).
Anyway, neat beginning!
-Pen
Thank you for your review! Don't worry, it wasn't rude you were very helpful ^_^
Hello! Snazzy here for a review!
The first thing I notice is your description. I think it's on the borderline of being too much, but in general it's pretty good. The thing that bothers me about it, is that you have action, then you describe things in several sentences with no break. Here's an example of it:
Another example of information/description overload is this: "She had dazzling emerald eyes. Her pale skin was fragile, like paper, and her chestnut hair framed her face like a window. Her shoes were perfectly white and spotless." See what I mean? It just distracts from the overall plot, I think. I would recommend revising, either by taking out some imagery, or adding in more action in between.
Here's another example where I think description is too much and not necessary. It detracts from what is actually going on.
I'm assuming you meant "adored"...? There are a couple more sentences with small spelling (or grammar) mistakes like this. I would recommend going back through and reading it slowly, and then even reading it backwards to catch those little mistakes. (Reading backwards helps me, for some odd reason.)
This is an example of what the grammar mistakes in this look like; they are small things, but really add up in the scope of things. (It should be this - "(or any, for now; that world was gone).")
Good suspense here; you don't give too much information out (just enough to keep us wondering).
You already mentioned the man doing things so he wouldn't attract the peoples' attention, so I think that last sentence is not really necessary. You could combine the two (but leaving out the part about attracting peoples' attention). (Example: "By the end of the sentence, the man was covered from head to toe in a calm, low-lit fire." Or something similar. You could probably think of something better than my example!)
Anyway, the plot is not all that original. There are many novels that start out (or end up) something like this. This doesn't mean this isn't a good idea, it is, but it's overused. Try and put your own unique twist on it that makes it unlike all the rest!
-Snazzy
Thank you for your review! I'm really bad at seeing my mistakes that's why I post them on here
This prologue doesn't have anything to do this the main plot of the book, this is just to create a bit of mystery as this character comes into the book.