Knowing Gods Chapter 4

by occymay

Published November 12, 2016

E - Everyone

In Knowing Gods: The Truth Will Set You Free

Chapter 4

Pulling strings

All I could hear was the dripping of the pipes; the city traffic was only a light muffled sound. It was dark down here, I couldn’t see my surroundings very well only odd bits and bobs. Messy was one way of describing it. Litter was spread across the concrete; it was like a junkyard. There were broken china dolls, old car wheels and even a child’s red and yellow car.

In the shadows stood a person, well on first glance anyway. What really stood there was a creature, something not of this world. I felt something tugging on my memory almost as if I had seen something like this before. Not quite though, his face didn’t look the same. Just his way of moving. The weird way his arms moved slowly from side to side. The fact that he crouched so low that his arms nearly reached the floor.

As I started to back away I heard a murmuring, I couldn’t see if it was from him for his mouth was covered. However, I must have thought too soon as the creature started to lift its head, showing pricing yellow eyes that seemed to see right into my soul. Then his mouth opened showing a long black tongue that moved like a snake’s.

“So this is it. This is the girl,” the voice didn’t come from the creature in front of me. Its mouth hadn’t moved. No, it came from just above me. Looking up I saw a man, just a normal looking man but he had the same yellow eyes. His hands were held in a weird way, almost like he was typing on a computer.

Strings!

That why his fingers were like that, he was a puppeteer. The strings went all the way down to the other person. That would explain why he looked so creepy because he wasn’t real. I wondered why I hadn’t noticed that at first. I felt my shoulders relax and let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. It was just one of those weird people that liked to practice odd hobbies. Nothing to fear.

Expect those eyes they were inhuman like Uri’s eye but in yellow. They weren’t contacts for sure, he was born with those eyes, also like Uri, but Uri’s had never had this affect on me. For some reason, it made me not want to trust him. The setting didn’t help that feeling in any way, in fact, it made it worst. And that’s when he started laughing. A horrible crackling laughter that made my ear drums ring.

“The great child and look how lowly she shines now. He wants her for her unimaginable power. So I say how am I supposed to capture her and you know what he said?” He had stopped talking and was looking at me. He was obviously waiting for me to answer so I just shook my head.

“He said beat her while she still hasn’t got a clue,” again with the laughing. I swear to God if he does that one more time I’ll go deaf.

“Why are you telling me this? I don’t understand!” I said more bravely than I felt. As I said that the man’s eyes widen and his head went widely around as if searching for something I couldn’t see. Then there was a huge explosion of light and intense heat rushed past my face. It was an attack on my sense, so bad that I fell to the ground choking in pain. Arms closed around my waist, lifting me off the ground. I could hear a man’s voice close to my ear.

“SEPTIMUS!” the voice was familiar but with all the smoke- that now filled the air - going into my small lungs I couldn’t think probably.

“So he has arrived, Uri the great one. Did you think Lucifer had forgotten you for all these years, did you think you could just hide away from his glaring view? I think not.” Uri. I felt myself going in and out of consciousness.

“Uri!” I screamed until I went out again. Suddenly I was being dropped and went crashing into the man whose name must have been Septimus. When I had first seen him from afar he looked like a normal human being but this close up I could see he wasn’t. His skin was cracked and gray and teeth shaped into points at the ends. There was a hole where his heart should have been. I heard a noise, turning my head I could see a tiny thing covered in what looked like blood.

His heart!

It must have been ripped out. No that couldn’t be, no human had that kind of strength.

Willow, Willow. Someone was calling my names but it was growing further and further away just like everything else was and I went back into the darkness.

Was that just a bad dream? It must have been, just my overactive imagination playing tricks on me again, I though as I began to wake.

I felt a warm breath on my face that smelt like peppermints, the same he always had. I opened my eye and I saw those familiar ruby red eyes staring down at me.

“Give me a peppermint,” holding out my hands. I know this sounds rude but when you have known someone as long as I have it isn’t. Uri did his same silent laugh where all it really was is a sharp inhale of breath through his mouth. Some people didn’t like it but I loved it, it was one of those things that made him what he is. You know, just those little things that you couldn’t live without.

Something small and round fell into my palm. I immediately put it into my mouth and felt the sharp taste of peppermint that soared down the back of my throat making me choke. I heard laughter but this time, it was different. There was high pitch “ha” then right after there was a quiet “sorry”. Unmistakeably Leah’s.

“Leave me alone,” I snapped playfully. Looking around the room I noticed that we were in Leah’s cabin in the woods that surrounded her house. So many great memories came to mind and they had all happen in this cabin. Whole weekend sleepovers, movie nights which involved more dares and sleeping then actually watching and paying attention to movies.

Oh and I can’t forget that one time where me and Leah secretly gave Uri a makeover while he was sleeping. He didn’t talk to us for at least a week. Now that was one of my best memories but one of Uri’s worst! I could tell Uri knew I was thinking about that time because he was giving me that look that said- if you say anything I will murder you- in your sleep- with a butter knife. Pleasant, right? Surprisingly enough I get that look a lot.

Smiling I lifted my heavy feeling legs out of the too warm a bed only to have them put back by Uri.

“You need to rest. You had a long day and you inhaled a lot of smoke,” said Uri his eyes full of concern.

A lot of smoke? From what? I was confused at what he meant but decided I was too tried to answer.

“I’m fine Uri really. It’s okay there’s no need to worry about me.” I was starting to become annoyed for Uri still held my legs in an iron grip. “Though not much longer if you keep holding my legs like that. You are cutting off the circulation.”

“Sorry,” Quickly removing his hands from my legs, our hands touched slightly. Was it weird that I felt an electric shock go through my whole body? Not unpleasant, however I put it to the back of my mind and focused my attention on getting out of the bed. Taking the chance I leaped from the bed tripping over my own clumsy feet and hitting my head on the dresser. I landed in an awkward position with my legs over my head. The light faded and I thought to myself oh no I’m going out of conciseness again.

Until purple hair brushed against my face making me laugh. I saw a pair of the most beautiful blue eyes you would ever see.

“Well, that’s one way of getting out of bed but probably not the best way.” Leah held out her hand “You okay down there, shorty?”

“Yeah, just hit my head that’s all,” taking her hand. She pulled me up and then out of nowhere she slapped me.

“Ouch! What was that for?” I yelled covering the area where she had slapped as if it would take away the pain.

“That’s for leaving me outside of school with no clue of where you were. I went to your house but your mum said you hadn’t gotten back yet. When I went around looking for you and I got completely lost and couldn’t find my mum and dad’s workplace. Finally, when I found you, you were in the arms of Uri unconscious and covered in blood. Do you realise how worried I was?”

I didn’t really understand but she probably had a point (she normally did). Though did she really need to slap me that hard! Seriously that girl doesn’t know her own strength.

I was backed up into a corner of the cabin where the dresser had always been. Nothing had ever changed in this cabin. It was the same as when I first set foot in it several years ago. There was a small bed with a knitted blanket with an Aztec design on it. The room was lit by candle light giving the room that warm glow. The place had always smelt like pine and today was no exception.

This place had always felt like home. It reminded me of Grendon because it was so rural. Leah lived quite far from London so there was more wildlife in the land that Leah’s family owned than there was in London. Leah’s parents worked in London so Leah took the train with them to go to school. So it made sense that Leah would go to the same school as me.

I loved running around the fields when the crops were high. Sometimes we would play hide and seek in those fields when it was dark, tell scary stories and pretend that aliens were invading. Those were the good days but now people tell us to grow up and some take it to heart.

These days it was just me and Leah playing those childish silly games like we didn’t have a care in the world. However now with us all here laughing at the same things, it felt like the old days. It felt good to be together and messing around. I could tell that Leah and Uri felt the same way as me; it was all over their faces. However, I had a feeling things weren’t going to be the same. There was also this feeling that something bad was going to happen that would affect all of us and that it may take some time of show its true face.

I moved to the window and looked out into the forest at the beautiful flowers that had just bloomed. I mulled over what I was thinking but soon dismissed from my mind as best as possible. I didn’t like the worry when looking at something that made me feel so at peace with myself. It always felt good to lose myself in the world around us especially when it came to the wildlife. It was so pretty and peaceful.

I always felt a connection to nature like sometimes I would feel its pain or happiness. It’s weird I know but it is true. I could easily tell that it had rained while I had been out of it because water droplets fell off half eaten leafs and fell quickly into the small clear puddle below. In my mind I imagined the droplets falling in slow motion. To the point where they reach the pool of water and caused new smaller droplets to appear from the dented water. Whilst this was going on in my head the water had begun to ripple before righting itself, preparing for the next droplet of water.

As I opened the small window a cold breeze swept across my face, moving my hair away from my hot forehead and checks. The air felt wet and thick against my skin but I didn’t mind. There were owls cooing some distance away in a large oak tree. It was faint but beautiful, still giving me the relief I loved. I breathed and took everything in.

Within London, you don’t really get this, the forests, mass amounts of fields and beautiful and rare birds. It was the downside of living in London I was disconnected from the things I loved. Finally, I noted that the sun was setting behind the trees giving them a golden glow. It was almost nigh-

“Night! Oh, my god, my parents are going to be so worried!” I screamed, the prospect of another one of my mum’s lectures was unbearable. Leah only rolled her eyes and Uri laughed to tell me that I was being overdramatic as usual but I wasn’t (to me I never was).

“Don’t be silly of course my parents already told your parents that you’re here, they wouldn’t be that silly, their not like you butt brain. You don’t think that my parent would just forget to think about that, do you? Anyway, it’s a Friday they think we are having a sleepover that happened to slip from your mind. So you will still probably get a lecture from your mum.” Leah spoke as if it was the most obvious thing ever. Which it wasn’t… well not to me anyway.

Plus she had said about the lecture from my mum as if it was the lowest thing that I should worry about right then. Though I didn’t know what was at the top. In Leah’s mind probably something like homework projects that were due in when we got back to school after the winter break.

Leah was talking about her parents being worried about something but I wasn’t really listening to what she was saying. Which I really should have because I usually regret not listening to her.

“What was that?”

I suddenly joined in toward the end of the conversation after hearing “well there was a lot of blood which was quite clearly not Willow’s”.

“Grr what? What?” Leah was mimicking my voice, well really I’m not that high pitch though it wasn’t totally off. Oh, and by the way “what” was Leah’s most hated word, especially when I use it. “Why do you always have to join at the end of a conversation? Do you realise how annoying that is?”

“Nope, so what did you say? Come on you know you love me really,” giving her my cheeky grin.

Leah sighed, exasperated. “I was saying about the fact that when I found you, you were all covered in black blood. It’s just not something you see every day.” I hadn’t realised that I was in some of Leah’s old pj's.

“Black blood?” it all started to come back to me in flashes nothing really making any sense. The man and his puppet. The heart on the floor. It was getting really hot in here and it was getting harder to breathe. “I need some air.”

I rushed out of the door without a second glance back. The cold breeze was like a blessing to my hot skin. The weather had changed dramatically from that morning when it was nice and sunny with that cold breeze that reminds you that it was winter. They had said there was a chance of lightning and thunder. I could see that it was true because there were huge rain clouds on the horizon. My skin felt the way it always did when there was bad weather on the way.

I sat there for a while thinking to myself about what had happened today. I kept wondering if any of this was connected. Things like this don’t happen in my life. Yet they all seemed to happen on the same day. Uri acting weirdly all day, the feeling of being pulled into the alleyway, the creepy man and his equally creepy puppet and most of all how the man Septimus’s heart was not where it should have been.

I never use to believe in the scary stories my dad told me when I was little. Now they seemed more real than anything in my life.     

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Dulcet
Review
Dulcet wrote a review Review · Dec 6, 2016

Hey there, occymay! I'm just dropping in for a review, if you don't mind. I haven't read the previous two chapters, so most of this review will be about the 'technical' things rather than plot and characters.

There are only two things I can address in this review. You've got a good handle on storytelling, and I'd say the best part of your writing is the way your character's voice comes through in the first person. It's surprising how many pieces of work don't have that voice, so I really love that it comes through here.

So! Onto the parts that need improvement:

GRAMMAR

This is the easier thing you can tackle here, and by far the more important thing. I'd say it's the lack of correct punctuation that hinders your writing the most. More specifically, it's the lack of commas in some areas and unnecessary use of commas in others.

For example, these sentences can be cleaned up a bit to read a bit more smoothly.

It was dark down here, I couldn’t see my surroundings very well only odd bits and bobs.


Edited version: It was dark down here. I couldn't see my surroundings very well - only bits and bobs.

I felt something tugging on my memory almost as if I had seen something like this before.


I felt something tugging on my memory, almost as if I had seen something like this before.

Was that just a bad dream? It must have been, just my overactive imagination playing tricks on me again, I though as I began to wake.


Was that just a bad dream? It must have been just my overactive imagination playing tricks on me again, I thought as I began to wake.

Just some examples. It's your choice as to where you want to use commas, dashes, semi-colons (which you use correctly, by the way) etc., but hopefully you get the gist of it. Brush up on some grammar lessons if you have to; correct grammar is key to a nice, polished piece.

DESCRIPTIONS

I really like the idea of the opening paragraph. You immediately give readers a sense of where we are, and we also wonder why Willow is in a dark alleyway like that, which pushes us to read further. This paragraph is good, believe me, but there's also a lot of potential to be unlocked.

Now, I'm going to highlight all the "was" in the opening paragraph.

All I could hear was the dripping of the pipes; the city traffic was only a light muffled sound. It was dark down here, I couldn’t see my surroundings very well only odd bits and bobs. Messy was one way of describing it. Litter was spread across the concrete; it was like a junkyard. There were broken china dolls, old car wheels and even a child’s red and yellow car.


As you can see, there're a few "was" there, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, I'd like to see some more variety from how you describe the alleyway.

So the main points of this paragraph are: pipes, city traffic sounds muffled, dark, litter, broken china, old toys. Right now, I can list these off at a single glance at the paragraph, because it already sounds kind of like a laundry list... and you don't want readers slogging through a dull laundry list.

So to mix things up? Instead of saying, for example, "There was a dusty chair in the corner," and just saying a chair exists, you could have the chair doing something. "The chair collected dust in the corner." Note the use of the verb "collected". Verbs are your best friend when it comes to describing things. Ignore the adjectives, they're the backstabbers here.

I mean, don't ignore them entirely. I'm just exaggerating. :P To keep readers interested in your descriptions, you want variety. You want to use verbs, throw in some adjectives, add just a pinch of was, maybe put in some other things I can't think of at the moment - and voila, you've got a nice recipe for a great description.

So, to use the opening paragraph as an example, I can edit it to make this:

All I could hear was the dripping of the pipes; the sound of city traffic only barely registered in my ears. It was dark down here. I couldn’t see my surroundings very well - only odd bits and bobs. Messy was the only way to describe it. Broken china dolls and old car wheels littered the concrete floor. I even spotted a child's red and yellow car collecting dust in the corner.

Hopefully it reads better and you see my point. What you have already is fine, but I think using a bit more variety will make it even better.

I also want to add that using verbs should become your default way of describing things. Was is a bit too dull to use too much, and too many adjectives can read like a list. Verbs are way more versatile and offer a lot more variety... so take advantage of that. Use them more often in your descriptions, and you're good to go.

And that's all I have to say!

Grammar is easy to fix; better descriptions, in comparison, will take a lot more time to get the hang of and edit into the story. But I really do think you can do it. :)

Please tell me if I wasn't understandable in this review or anything - I'll be happy to explain it again or link you to somewhere/someone who can do it better. Good luck with this story, and thanks for the great read!

occymay replied · Dec 6, 2016

My goodness, I didn't even notice how many times I used "was", oops. Thank you so much for your review, it will be very helpful when it comes to reviewing my chapters :)

User avatar
Casanova
Review
Casanova wrote a review Review · Nov 22, 2016

Heya, Occymay! Casanova here to do a review! Since this is the last one in the folder, I guess I'm done with your story for now. I'll follow it and review as you post, hopefully.

The first thing I have to say- since we know the narrator is in two different time periods(The present and 16 years prior) I think you should specify the change in the times. I'm pretty sure this is 16 years prior, but hey I could be wrong :P.

The next thing I want to talk about is your character. You've given us more about the narrator and I like that. They're not a bland, computer-like nothingness in this chapter, so many props for that. They're not emotionless to everything, they're not, as I'll say a million times, bland. So props for that. On to the next point.

The plot is still well thought out, although it does droop near the end. Pick it up if you want, add dramatic context, but this doesn't /need/ it. I mean, your ending isn't very dramatic. And when I'm reading a book I prefer it when the end of the chapter is practically a cliffhanger so I'll WANT to read on farther. If the ending of the chapter is too boring then I probably won't continue reading. It's easy for me to get distracted, so dramatic/suspenseful endings are the perfect cure for that. Make it draamatic.


A lot of smoke? From what? I was confused at what he meant but decided I was too tried to answer.


Aah, typos. Something that will completely ruin what you mean and have a sentence sound completely weird. I believe you meant,"tired," here. I was just wanting to point that out.

Another thing I'd like to say is you don't have to put as much story or information is a sentence as possible. Break really long sentences down, make them smaller. So you don't have too much in one line, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I hope this has helped at least some. That's all I have to say. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.

Thank you, these reviews have been really helpful :)

Haha xD. Good! I'm glad



Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant