There
was a loud wailing in the neighborhood as the undertakers arrived with
the corpse of Laaz. Immediately,the villagers gathered in small
clusters, according to their age grades. Each of the groups had
something inspiring or positive to say about Laaz, after which will
follow a dirge or a loud cry as each of the sympathizers is led,
The exercise was a heart touching one as each member of the sympathizing
crowd recounted their experiences with the dead man. Some talked about
how respectful he is to both elders and children alike while others
talked about how he taught them or their children a free lesson . ''The
Catholic Church will have to canonize him a saint'', an elder concluded
as he walked away quietly with his head solemnly bowed
Even the birds and the trees partook in the glowing tributes to Bro Laaz
by their chirruping and graceful swaying. A great hush fell on the
atmosphere as the mike boomed over the loudspeaker the voice of ''the
man of God. He was giving a sermon from the popular Ecclesiastes Chapter
3.
From his profile recited, Bro Laaz was the 5th child in the family, but
was treated as the ''Opara'' as he was the most schooled amongst them.
Peolpe thronged Bro Laaz's compound from far and near, to pay him a
final respect.
After all said and done, the sum of N5m was donated by people who
claimed to love Bro Laaz so much and wished he didn't die so young.
Finally, the ''Abide with me''hymn was sang and it was time to lower the
dead man into his 6 feet plus below grave when suddenly the casket
began to shake. It was children that first noticed it, followed by the
Catechist who stopped in his track with the holy water container in his
hand. There was a great pandemonium as people run helter skelter .
Finally, the dead man has come back to life. ''Untie him and let him
go'', the Catechist ordered courageously from afar.
It was a good experience to die and come back to life. Laaz, who doesn't
deserved to be called the appelation ''Bro'' any more was now rich with
N3m naira after paying the casket maker his own part of the loot of
N2m. There were discussions held in small groups in the community and
the entire church about ''Laaz's big hit'' through his ingenious
''CASKET GAME''. Hmmmm! Laaz's side of the story showed that he had
sought for help to finance his vision to no avail, even from the ''so
called generous brethren'' who were only this generous to a ''dead
man''. Now Laaz is feeling bad like the proverbial Judas Iscariot. What
should he do? Should he cast the money back at the donors or use it to
finance his long time dream? Please advise him.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
The stock image you posted. Hilarious. It reminds me of memes. Anyways, onto the reviewing.
after which will follow a dirge or a loud cry as each of the sympathizers is led,
Period, not a comma here.
bowed
Period needed here once again.
5th child
It would be more appropriate if you spelled this instead.
Peolpe
Common typo.
6 feet plus below grave
This is awkward. The reader knows caskets are buried six feet under the dirt, and of course below the dirt, so its unnecessary to say below. Also, spell out six and take out plus.
helter skelter .
This is odd word choice. Just an observation though.
called the appelation ''Bro'' any more was now rich with N3m naira
What? I don't understand what you are trying to stay here.
I honestly have no idea what happened in the last paragraph and I cannot even begin to understand it.
The story opens up interestingly, with death in the first paragraph. However, there are a few errors with the commas. The passive action takes a lot of potential from the story and switches clumsily between past and present tenses. Some of the quotation marks have no space after them, others without an closing mark. The comma that should be inside direct dialogue is left outside ('''Untie him and let him go'', the Catechist...' should be '''Untie him and let him go," the Catechist...') and there are a lot of quotation marks where italics can be used.
The story isn't what I expected, because I thought that it would be very dark since it had something to do with funerals, but it is still enjoyable.
An interesting story. I had a feeling something like this might've happened, as the name Laaz was somewhat reminiscent of the famous Lazarus, but I suppose in this case it was less of a miracle than we'd like it to be. It was quite an ingenious plan to, I'll admit--though I'm still wondering, how did he manage to get all the money without the congregation being "Wait hold on a second"? Or did he not get the money at all? I mean, it's clear his aim was to get the money regardless of how guilty he was now, so I think it would've been a better idea to replace him with a wax figure or have a closed casket funeral so that he wouldn't need to think about, oh I don't know, being in a nailed down casket and going through the risk of suffocating. But I digress.
Anyway, while I did like the story overall, I was somewhat put off by the ending. Why did you decide to make it a choose-your-own-adventure book suddenly? Is this a stylistic choice of some sort? Is this a series of adventure books I'm not aware of? In any case, from an outsider's perspective, it's somewhat unnecessary and childish. I suggest you put it away in place of a cliffhanger ending of some sort, if you want the reader asking "Does Laaz take the money or not?", that is if you don't have a good purpose for it (say, it's for a magazine that obligates you to do this sort of thing).
But anyway, that's just my two pence on the topic. Let's get to the highlight's and wrap things up, shall we?
End this in a period. You have a habit of forgetting to end sentences in periods, so you should read over the work a bit to see how that works.
Was, not is. You also have a habit of forgetting the past tense or the present tense, so I suggest you check that as well.
This sentence in particular was a little confusing. Firstly, we have no comma or any transition to move from the loudspeaker to the voice in (???). And then we're missing the second quotation mark around 'the man of God.' From what I can tell, the Man of God is a priest, but that required several reads to understand. I think you might want to fix that.
People, not peolpe. Not sure what a peolpe is.
The children, not just children.
Good job on this one, keep up the good work.
Signing out,
--EM.
thanks for the review
when writing LAZZ AND THE CASKET GAME, i was careful in the beginning because i was taught the the beginning of a story must be able to captivate the reader and arouse their appetite for reading further.
"There was a loud wailing in the neighborhood as the undertakers arrived with the corpse of Laaz. Immediately,the villagers gathered in small clusters, according to their age grades. Each of the groups had something inspiring or positive to say about Laaz, after which will follow a dirge or a loud cry as each of the sympathizers is led".
my friends who edited the work commended me for writing such a compelling story with unquestionable style and techniques.
carefully read this "Finally, the ''Abide with me''hymn was sang and it was time to lower the dead man into his 6 feet plus below grave when suddenly the casket began to shake. It was children that first noticed it, followed by the Catechist who stopped in his track with the holy water container in his hand. There was a great pandemonium as people run helter skelter . Finally, the dead man has come back to life. ''Untie him and let him go'', the Catechist ordered courageously from afar".
you will discover that it has a religious content that stimulate the the smooth running of the story.
Endeavor to review this work, i will be grateful.
i will be so happy you did
Thank you for reading and happy reading
in case you want me to freelance your story and your script you can reach me through my secretary on +2347033539930.