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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I really like this, it reminds me of how I feel about my... well, a lot of people, actually.
Okay, hi, your friendly reviewer here. Now, I'm going to give you some tips, okay?
First off, this is not a normal structure for poetry. A poem tends to go into stanzas. This reads more like a monologue, but without the Shakespearean or epic nature I tend to think of when I think monologue. I suggest you decide what you want with this, whether it be stretch it out into a short story, play, or such so it can be a monologue or make it look more like actual poetry.
If you don't want to edit this, because, well, it's sort of cliche, I suggest letting it go and look up some formatting. Maybe read some published poetry, or a play. I'm sorry. It's strong emotion, anger version. Basic statements made when peeved.
Anyway, I hope I wasn't too harsh but it's not--it doesn't feel complete, like a piece of writing that can stand on its own. It feels like venting.
Keep writing,
Cas
I don't usually like things like this, but I adore this one. Great work. I feel your pain.
First of all, what is this? Because it looks like a rant. It's true that poems can be... essay-ish, I guess, I can't find the word I'm looking for; but this seems more like a blog entry than a poem. So, I guess we should define what a poem is, then!
So, to break it down, a poem usually has a specific form and rhythm. This means that the lines are usually broken up to emphasize certain words, that "flowery" language is used, etc.
Now, this would be perfect for a novel or short story--say it's about a girl, and this is her diary entry. The story could revolve around the love-hate relationship, or that could simply be a subplot.
Don't mistake my meaning: what you have here isn't bad. It just makes the reader do a double-take and say, "What exactly am I reading?" In some cases--if you were writing something philosophical, or if it was supposed to be mysterious--this could be a good thing. In other cases, though, it will cause the reader to find something else to occupy their time with.
I suggest formatting this in a different way.
Most poems
are centered to the
left,
just
like
this
one.
(I may have a problem with overemphasizing using line spacing.
Other times, the poem may be centered in the middle, or even to the right. (I'd do those, but I hit quickreply and can't figure out how to get to formatting.
Further, word choice is very important. You want the poem to leave an impression on the reader, and you want the poem to flow well. This is why the thesaurus is every writer's friend. ^_^
Overall, I think you might have the makings of something good. It just needs to be dressed up and taken to a few classes, if you'll pardon the personification.
Is this a super short story or...?
Okay, so I really like the idea in this story/poem/thingy. How you can hate someone because you love them, or love them because you hate them. The concept is really complicated if you really think about it, and simpler if you just understand it. Meh head hurts now. It's very short and detached and I think that while that may make the reader feel slightly distant, I also think it's better for this piece and might've been what you were going for.
Overall, I think it's a good thingy-mejigger. (meh-jig-ger)
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