Dear Dad, the strife you have caused:
.
I look for you, though I find nothing.
I call out to you, though I receive no answer.
I reach out to touch you, though I touch nothing but the circulating air.
.
I cry out, and Mom comes to my rescue (or so I thought):
.
Though she tries, she can provide nothing found in my search.
Though she tries, she can provide no answer to my call.
Though she tries, she can provide nothing for me to grasp.
.
A cry, answered with another cry;
Where is the sense in that?
.
Yet that is the way of the world.
Never solving our mourning.
Only providing for additional mourning.
.
Yes, this is the way of the twisted world we live in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey, I'm messy! Shall I give you a review?
Well first off, before I get to the meat of this poem, I have to say that I'm kind of indecisive about how I feel over your choice of layout in this poem. In some ways I like it. It looks very clean, very fresh, like you took the time to polish it. At the same time, the breaks every couple lines is a little flow-breaking. Like every time you start up, you have to kind of slow down because it's a new stanza. I don't know if that makes sense, and I wouldn't change it unless more people comment on it, but it's just something to think about.
Now, this was a very (like Burrow said) raw emotion poem. It didn't try to hide anything from you. It was an open book. I couldn't tell, but if this was a real story, I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a close family member yet, but I know it's coming. >.> Anyways, you really convey your message clearly. You don't write out this humongous binge-rant about being angry at the world. Rather you write your poem swiftly. It speaks volumes more in my opinion than the former version.
Your last line being all bold I really like. It's like "HEY THIS IS THE BIG POINT!!" And the whole idea of it just being one sentence, once again strikes like a dagger. Overall this was a lovely, but sad poem. Very beautiful.
~Messenger
Thank you! I really don't focus on the layout of my poetry too much usually. Maybe I will have to look into it a little.
Nick.
That was really beautiful. I'm am so sorry for your loss. I agree the world is twisted in so many ways that you'll get stabbed in the back before you find what you're actually looking for.
Thank you.
Believe it or not, this lass actually occurred 14 years ago. I tried to convey it through my language as if it had happened yesterday.
Nick.
Michelle here to review,
In all honesty your work is stunning. It shows raw emotion and is (in my opinion) a perfect embodiment of human emotion. You did a great job and I wouldn't change a think.
Keep writing poet!
-Michelle
Really?! I had a feeling I was okay at writing poetry, but I didn't think people would respond this well to it. Writing poetry is my passion and I guess that comes through the poems a little.
Jack here for a review.
There isn't really anything I can fix here, I really loved tis, it rhymed well, it was full of emotion and meaning, and I loved it, this could really stand out on YWS, it is a poem that is different, and nice. It raise a sad subject, but does it beautifully. I love the way you started, and I loved the way you ended, I really loved your middle bit about how though she tries. That really rhymed well, and I thought it was meaningful why sounding cool.
I could try and look for a problem, and try I did, but I found nothing, this was perfect, and thankyou for sharing this with me, it was really worth the read, It made my day. Reading such a nice poem, it makes me jealous wishing I could write like you. So it is a thumbs up from me!! and remember always keep writing.
Have a great day!!
Jack