Young Writers Society

This is a really beautiful and true to the singular moment. The imagery is vivid and clear - I could not only picture it in my head as I read it, but I also felt a strange mixture of anxiety and peace.

I loved the vocabulary - the remarkable simplicity of it. The imagery is tight, and visceral.

I did find there were a few too many questions in the beginning. If the goal was to convey self-doubt, then in my opinion, one or two concise questions would fair better.

"As I write these words, I find it harder and harder to ignore the red glare in the corner of my eye."

I would remove/reword this sentence. To me, the framework begins with the abstraction of emotion, and slowly narrows to the physical, present being of doing something. That sentence doesn't quite fit in this case.

Overall, the message quite a strong one, but it is hidden in some clutter. I think it can be shortened to make the point even stronger and clearer. I'd also like to see a bit of creativity in introducing these emotional concepts (i.e. I want, I'm sure, I can't tell, I can't decide, I enjoy ... Too homogeneous! )

Hello, moment, wisegirl22 celebrating a very personal Fake Review Day!

In the beginning of your thing, I see crescendo is misspelled.

"It’s a melodic sound, but lacks cresendo."

And not long after, I spotted a question in desperate need of a question mark.

"Will I ever find myself in the middle of the Hungarian Dance, remembering the times I spent spinning around during the monotonous prelude."

Again, not long after, something caught my eye. I think you used "time" too much in here; please choose something else.

"If I'm sure of something, if this disappearance of time is just a temporary glitch in fabric of time..."

A little before I noticed...

"I can't tell if the Sun..."

"I can't decide if it is the Sun's harshness that froze me..."

"I want to see if it's really the rising Sun that lightens the wall..."

In all of these examples, I think "Sun" shouldn't be capitalized. 'Scuse me if you think that's a bit irrelevant. This was good, besides those errors, and I enjoyed reading this. I really don't see how it's in a different language. I hope you keep writing, and keep reviewing! Your future depends on what you do right now.

-wisegirl22

Woah! This is pretty intense, moment.

It's been a long time since I read a piece of writing that went this deep into a single moment in time, and I loved the richness of it. It covered many senses -- hearing first, of course, and the sight, and then feeling. Missing taste and smell, but the mention of lips and kind of also "gut" evokes the awareness of the mouth, which helps bring even that sensation in as well.

You mentioned you were worried that it sounded a little pretentious, and I think the only part that comes across as such is the "I usually enjoy playing endurance games with myself" -- I think it's because it reveals it as a game, sort of "I'm always in control" rather than an actual challenge for the speaker to overcome. Like, I know I push myself "five more minutes" when running or "don't get bothered that person is chewing with their mouth open", but it never feels as light as a game. That's just a matter of diction!

The other thing is that this line kind of breaks the reality of the situation:

I want to see if it's really the rising Sun that lightens the wall, or my gut is right and the red marks are cast by a gory, burning city.

Okay, so this is a letter, yes? If it is, I think it isn't too pretentious, though the constant use of 'fancy words' make it just a little pretentious.

I like it, though! It's really good! Also, I'm a bit curious as to what language this was originally written. I didn't find any errors to correct, except one.

"Ice spreads through my vertebrates,"

I think you mean vertebrae? Or am I wrong? Aside from that, I don't really find any mistakes. Though if this is a letter, maybe you could indent the first line of each paragraph.

Overall, this was really good and I enjoyed reading it! Also, I noticed that you just joined YWS, so WELCOME!
Continue writing!
Cheers,
GrapeNerd