Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Note: I can't take complete credit for the last sentence as a part of it was inspired by a poem whose name I can't remember.
While the professor's rambling about the problematics of the decline of patrician families in the nineteenth century, I'm slowly becoming more and more transparent. My colour is fading until I become completely grey, until I establish a balance with my surroundings. Lifelessly, I observe the scene laid out in front of me. Out of defiance, a little more apathetic. That's how I spend hours in our educational institution.
All emotions are still somewhere deep inside, but just in traces; they have been suppressed by something I find hard to call an emotion. It is something that stirs bile in the stomach, turns blood into rain, quietly pulsates behind my back. That something isn't capable of fulfilling one, like an emotion does, but only of draining them and replacing the emptiness with glial cells. I do stay capable of doing one thing, wavering. And fuck, do I toy with myself. I put everything in columns, observe arguments of all options; I never resolve anything. Every time, I assure myself I'll know how to continue when I face the problem, and I usually do, but I always forget to trust myself once the moment has passed.
I waver about you, Fran. I don't know if it would be selfish to tell you I wouldn't ever want to cease to persist in your thoughts, even as a silhouette in the background, as a memory of a memory. I don't know if I would rather I had met you in old age, when I already would have loved everything and had time for everything to disappoint me, or in childhood, when I didn't love anybody yet. Accept my parents, but I loved them better when they would leave me alone. One way or other, I'm glad we're alive at the same time.
What I wanted to say is that confusion is a fusion of what's immune to definition and what's essentially incomprehensible.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hello there Moment, I'm Niraco here to review this lovely day!
I felt the ideas brought up in this paragraph could have been touched on a little bit more. I felt that this paragraph needed to be longer and go into much more detail about the authors feelings and thought much more. It would have added to the overall piece. At the same time I do enjoy the issue you brought up. School is boring and I feel that the education system is a mess and that students won't be helped if they find the class they're in boring. So I thought you touched on a nice subject just that it could have been added to.
Now I liked this paragraph a lot more. Some of the word choice you used for description was very well done. I liked this character and how they thought in the images you created. One thing I would say is perhaps take out the word 'fuck'. Normally I am all for using cuss words in writing but here it feels rather redundant and could have done without it.
You said that this line you couldn't take full credit for as it was from a poem. I understand that you perhaps cannot remember the source but perhaps you could put the line in quotation marks and italics that way it stands out a more.
All in all this was a solid piece but I felt it could have been longer. I couldn't find any other mistakes and that it was written rather well.
Happy writing!
Hey! Thanks for reviewing.
Now that you've mentioned it, I do have more to say about the educational system, so I might expand when I find the time.
I was wanting to find that poem for a long time, so I'll put the real thing in quotation (also when I find some time).
You've been helpful, thanks!
OK, this is good. I can like it. But, of course, like every writer in the known world, you made some mistakes. But, over all this is pretty well done.
Did you mean nineteenth century, instead of nineteen century? You could use better grammar, of course. But then, couldn't we all? Also, this sentence does not make much sense to me.
"I'm slowly becoming more and more transparent, till I establish a balance with my surroundings." Did you mean to say until, or 'till as a slur? Transparent how? These are things you need to explain.
However, when all's said and done, this is a great piece. I hope to see more from you.
Hey.
I apologize for grammar, english isn't my first language. Yeah, I meant nineteenth century (in Croatia we mark it as 19 with a full stop). 'till' is another grammar error. I'll correct that sentence, maybe extend it.
Thanks for reviewing, it's been constructive!