This is a part of a letter I wrote. In the last letter I received, he asked: Have you ever felt like there was some kind of an unexplainable disturbance initiated by something completely trivial or unimportant? For instance, someone chopping tomatoes makes you feel a rush of love, happiness, anger etc.
I might not write exactly about what you wanted me to because events that occur to me aren't as apparently insignificant as 'chopping tomatoes'. The moments I will talk about are the ones that probably aren't nearly as important to the other person, as they are to me.
The sand was cold and light. The volleyball field was covered in black-red hills who can thank the low Sun for their colour. If I was ever in love it was with the height of the Sun those few minutes. It was right above the silhouette of a lonesome tree, it looked like the gardens of Eden were lighting fire to the clouds as they crumble. It really did. She was manically taking pictures, trying to find the best angle, walking to the shore to catch the long reflection on the sea, then to the playing field, then she crouched, then she stood up on a bench. Those few minutes passed and the Sun set, but the sky stays bright for a long time in that area. We must have been sitting on that bench for an hour before that, and we sat for another two. In the beginning we had just sat to wait for the family who had been playing volleyball to finish, but soon we didn't want them to leave. We gave them names, invented stories, dubbed them. It was the stupidest joke ever, a joke that went on for three hours, but in my memory remained as a time in which no one existed, but the two of us, our bench and the rest was just a part of a movie that played before us. Everything the both of us wanted at that moment was for minutes to turn to hours. She wanted to watch the Sun, I wanted to stay in our fleeting world it brightened.
The moments I'm talking about are the ones in which you understand someone a little, tiny bit better and let them a tiny bit closer.
I'm thankful for criticism far more than for false praise. I would appreciate a review :)
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Hi!
I thought this was a really sweet and original short piece, beautifully written.
As AnimeGirl already said, my favourite lines were these:
I can really tell what great potential you have as a writer
Here is the only nitpick I found: "fleeting world it brighetened" what did you mean by that?
There isn't much here for me to critique, no spelling or grammar mistakes and the structure seems pretty good. I just wanted to make a few sugestments on what I, as the reader, would like to know: Who are these characters? What does this girl look like? What is the relationship between her and the narrator? By the way you write this piece it seems as if it's the narrator who loves these moments, these moments where it's just them two. Maybe you could expand on that?
Also, I would consider re-phrasing your beginning. You start with this question but it is a bit unclear where it's from or who asked... But maybe I'm wrong and that's not really important.
Anyways, really nice piece! Keep writing!
Bye
Hey! Well, thanks for the kind words.
This is, as well as everything I've posted so far, a part of a letter I wrote. I've been exchanging letters with a friend and the question was from his last letter. So, the characters are real, the girl is a friend of mine and I identify with the narrator. You are right about the beginning, I'll re-phrase it so it's clearer.
What I ment with ''She wanted to watch the Sun, I wanted to stay in our fleeting world it brightened.'' is that we both wanted to stay in the moment, but I doubt she wanted so because of the feeling of deeper understanding with me, but merely because of the beauty of the scene. I wanted to stay in the ''fleeting world it brightened'', meaning - in the moment with her. But I'll think about adding something to clarify.
It just so happens this is a scene from real life so I would feel weird/wrong going on too deep with extension about our relationship etc. But if it weren't I'd totally agree with you. I must get to the point I'm completely comfortable with such intimate sharing first
Thanks for reviewing, It was really helpful!
Cheers
Hey it's me AnimeGirl here to give this amazing piece a review.
So let's jump/fly/crawl/ or swim in!!
Now I wanted to start off by saying a few things I wanted to point out.
First thing was this-
"She, so we can watch the Sun, I, so we can watch the film."
I wanted to know about the I there, what is it there for? It just stuck out to me.
Next was this-
"gave them names i invented stories,"
The i needs to be capitalized.
That was the only things I saw that I wanted to point out. Now for the good things I saw in the story.
"It was right above the silhouette of a lonesome tree, it looked like the gardens of Eden were lighting fire to the clouds as they crumble. It really did."
This was one of my favorite lines in the story, I don't really know why, but it was. Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation was fine and I liked the detail you put in it. The detail made able to picture it in my mind, that's something I love about reading it's like a movie in your mind. So great job on this story, to me I wish there was more detail but what can I do. So thank you for posting this work. Bye now!
follow you dreams and heart
~AnimeGirl
Thanks for kind words AnimeGirl!
I don't know how that 'i' got there, it was supposed to be a coma. And What I wanted to say with "She, so we can watch the Sun, I, so we can watch the film." was that she just wanted to watch the Sun and I wanted to stay in the world of two of us, but I said it too clumsily. I'll correct it.
Thanks again for reviewing!
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