Short work about the charm in loneliness. Please review and offer honest criticism (the constructive kind is appreciated!)
Imagine the city, the way you see it from high above, stripped of noise of traffic and people’s shouting. Coexistence of an unusual amount of concrete and glass with vacuum silence is nothing we could’ve experienced, but when you think of massive, slightly curved surface, you don’t see them any other way, but in silence and grayness. Misconceptions appear when we look at the purpose. For a multitude of buildings without end to breathe like one, we have to kill the beast, stop the pulsating, let the loneliness bind the concrete into oneness. So lonely you could hear the Earth turning. Life might not be good, but it is beautiful, you’d think.
People love hotels, hotels are charming, and people are queer. The closest you can approach beautiful. In a city of strangers, who talk in whispers and nonsenses, with new shapes, prettier because they’re new, like a greedy nihilistic child, you want everything. In front of a window on the seventh floor, ready to explore every crook of this forgotten plain before you. After the war, the soldiers return. Return, return.
To return to doubts, possibilities, desires.
To remember the days of rebellion, to be nostalgic for nostalgia for innocence. Wherever we go, we come across ourselves. Nostalgia, nostalgia. And the one for the present, if you see a future in which you are no longer here. 'Nostos' is return, 'algos' is suffering. Return must be the good part.
To be a dark silhouette fearing softly of the expansion behind the window, to be anonymous and to crave, what others are and what a person is. (Wherever we go, we come across ourselves.) Gruesome and what we are looking for.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,036 Literary Works • 672,919 Reviews
Dear moment,
Congrats on your first story! The first one is always the most special, because it's the first time you actually put yourself out there.
I liked that you used sencond person point of view. It's very unique and difficult to do. I've dabbled without myself and I personally think you did a much better job then I did. Even though your inserting the audience directly into the story your still able to get across a voice and personal into it.
The only criticisms I would have is make sure the verb tenses match. There were a few intended where it got a little confusing. For instance, in your first paragraph you begin with it in present tense I believe but by the end it's in past tense. Fix that up and you'll be golden! Also, the last few paragraphs and sentences begin with "To..." I understand the affect you were going for with the repetitive parallel structure, but I feel like it gets to be a bit too much. Try varying a few of the sentences so it doesn't sound so monotonous.
So anywhoooo, congrats this was extremely well done. I can't wait to see what you do next!
Hope this review helped!
Yours truly,
TheGirlNextDoor
This is my first review so please take it with a grain of salt. I really enjoyed this! It's incredibly descriptive and runs together well. I like your choice of words. It's poetic, but also kind of essay like. I have an image in my head of an old city with a rundown hotel. Maybe why I enjoyed it so much is that I'm so confused with everything on a daily basis so I understand confusion. And nostalgia. I'd love to live in the past, new technology stuff is pretty terrifying. Keep writing stuff it's amazing you've definitely got talent!!
This is a well-written piece. Your choice of words was very good. I am very confused about the description of hotels. I did not understand the part where you said "After the war, soldiers return?" What does soldiers have to do with hotels? What does nostalgia have to do with hotels. It may have a meaning that I do not yet know of.
On another note, I like how you said that hotels are charming. I love going to hotels. You just have this feeling that you cannot explain. Sometimes their beds are as soft as clouds. Sometimes their food is so succulent that you could just gobble it up. I very much like hotels.
Anyway, good job.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01