Dear moment,
Congrats on your first story! The first one is always the most special, because it's the first time you actually put yourself out there.
I liked that you used sencond person point of view. It's very unique and difficult to do. I've dabbled without myself and I personally think you did a much better job then I did. Even though your inserting the audience directly into the story your still able to get across a voice and personal into it.
The only criticisms I would have is make sure the verb tenses match. There were a few intended where it got a little confusing. For instance, in your first paragraph you begin with it in present tense I believe but by the end it's in past tense. Fix that up and you'll be golden! Also, the last few paragraphs and sentences begin with "To..." I understand the affect you were going for with the repetitive parallel structure, but I feel like it gets to be a bit too much. Try varying a few of the sentences so it doesn't sound so monotonous.
So anywhoooo, congrats this was extremely well done. I can't wait to see what you do next!
Hope this review helped!
Yours truly,
TheGirlNextDoor
Points: 736
Reviews: 10
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