Sometimes you title a work before you start writing it.
That’s how I feel about this piece-
I sat here for five hours thinking about what to write
and then I settled on this.
Sometimes my voice sounds like the noise a leaf makes
when it settles into brick, in autumn.
there is passion, but it is hiding behind windows
a face, a house, paralyzed in amber.
there is more than type O neg blood in my chest
there is a song, that’s being crushed by the
constant buzz of the radio
fuzzy thoughts, nightmares.
My mind is like the Twilight Zone
a quiet violence
from somewhere beyond reason.
Sometimes, there is more than fear in my voice
sometimes there is less
and sometimes I have no voice at all.
But I’m talking now, and I don’t even care if anyone is listening
The most powerful prison is the silence of a mind that refuses to rest.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
I like the premise.
I begin a lot of reviews this way, and I think it's because while many authors can brainstorm brilliant ideas, they lack the ability to execute. as writers, we have to know where we're going, and this piece is written aimlessly. if it's not written aimlessly, then it's read that way. this isn't to say that you don't execute. you do, but not coherently.
the first four lines seem more like an author's note than anything. they may be a clarifier for your own hesitation, but they're a bit of a distraction to the reader.
I understand the message you're trying to convey. you are a silent film and the TV's in the next room; you have more to offer than can be seen; you grieve about the mind's silence, a means of rhetoric prompting the reader to wish on the narrator's self-expression. simply communicating that message is so important, which is commendable on its own. but the imagery is rushed. inconsistency is insensible here. it's like a note jot. you move from a natural theme, jump to a radio metaphor, throw in the bit about the twilight zone. it's like tossing dijon mustard and avocado into chocolate cake batter. something that I think's of utmost significance in a poem is slimming the emotions you are in a desperate hurry to transpose into a deeply visceral package. no poem has to be perfectly symmetrical, but it has to make sense. and it has to pack a punch. neither of those things will happen unless you write to an ending.
I like your title. I'm a fan of the concept as a topic. the premise is a sturdy base, but a slab foundation is just a flat piece of concrete.
if you have questions, I'd love to talk over PM. thank you for sharing, and best of wishes.
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Wow! i really liked this poem! You had such incredible imagery, i could really feel the sort pain you're talking about, i get this sense of melancholy. You're figurative language is amazing, i especially liked the lines
They are so poetic, and very rapid-fire, so the similes and metaphors you throw at your audience are impossible to avoid, we're immediately absorbed into your writing. The length of your work was perfect, and overall it had that bittersweet melancholy feel that i love. Fantastic!
However, i do still have a few suggestions. First, i don't like your opening as much.
This part just seemed a little awkward. It was rather incongruous with the rest of your piece, as it lacked the intense imagery that you employ throughout the rest of it. The first two lines i rather liked, i felt they could lead to something interesting. However, the last two, i felt, were a bit of a let down, just telling us what happened. It almost seems as if these lines are unconnected with the rest of the poem, more like an introduction or background to the piece than an opening. My advice to you is to keep the first two lines, they are a good introduction to the emotions communicated in the piece, but replace the next two lines with some figurative language. Describe how it felt to write this piece, how it feels to write something that's already titled, how it feels to write something that already seems to have a destiny. Then, end those new lines in a way that easily transitions into the rest of the poem. If you use this approach, then you will already be talking about how it feels to express yourself, so it should be pretty easy to transfer that to expressing yourself in speech.
Since i mentioned transitions, i'd like to go into them again. Your lines, especially towards the end, seemed a little disconnected and awkward. See if you can add words like "Then" or "when" or "however" or "still" so you can flow more easily from idea to idea, from sentence to sentence.
The other little thing i wanted to mention was the second to last line. This line seems to connect more the four opening lines, with a struggle to try to speak within the bounds. However, this line, also, because of the lack of imagery, seems a little out of place. i suggest either removing it or replacing it with something that says the same thing, but with more variety of language. maybe don't say that you "Don't care if anyone is listening" say instead something like "I'm letting the leaves fall where they may". This way, you can connect the ending with earlier lines, and generally pull the whole poem together.
Anyways, sorry if any of that seemed harsh. i really did like this piece, you appear to me to be a skilled writer. Work a little more on making this piece more cohesive, and i think it will really be great.
Thanks for the read!
herbgirl