The moon is desperately gorgeous, the
kind that won’t shut up- but won’t speak either
a porcelain goddess eager to shatter.
Even she catches rivulets of comet tails and drags
them
down
down
down
until the universe is hanging on a star.
How do you dream when no one
is dreaming of you?
and she
begs
begs
begs
until God is a penny in a cup.
How do you think when a stranger
is thinking of you?
There’s a ghost in my mind,
she says, and I believe her-
there are whispers of people and
planets we might have known-
and I want to
speak
speak
speak
until sadness is valid.
How can you use your voice when it’s
most certainly using you?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Okay, so I really liked this. (Like the last two reviewers) I didn't really follow the story and message within but I don't think that matters. Everything was written so well, so poetically, that it was a joy to hear the words echoing in my mind even if I wasn't sure what they were trying to say. It just reminded me of abstract art (Not sure if that's what you were shooting for). The meaning was there, embedded into the words, hidden from view, but in a way, still felt. Everything flowed so nicely and nothing felt forced or unnatural.
I would like to agree with Mystical here and say that 'desperately' should probably be replaced with 'overwhelmingly'. It fits a lot better.
Also, does the third line need to be capitalized? Not sure, but take a glance. You seem to be using normal capitalization (beginning of sentences) so I think that capitalization is needed there.
Loved the poem. Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Yo, mkultra98! cleverclogs here to review!
I really like this, but, like the previous reviewer, I don't really understand it. It's like that one song that you love, but you have no idea what it means until you look it up online, and then you feel really stupid for not understanding. However, unlike the previous reviewer, I don't wish for you to tell us what the poem means. I think that part of the fun of this poem is having to read it multiple times until you know it like the back of your hand and sort of have your own meaning for it.
From what I can tell, this poem isn't to be taken literally. I think that the "moon" is a metaphor for a person.The "moon" had big dreams for life, but they ending up failing. That's my closest interpretation. I also love the other spacey imagery you used, like comets and stars. It worked really well.
This poem is so fascinating. I keep reading it over and over, thinking of what the words might mean. Your use of language is so exquisite. I was going to quote some of my favorite lines to you, but then I couldn't decide which lines I liked best! So here are some things in general that I really enjoyed.
1. The repetition of "How do you x when x?" It's really thought-provoking.
2. The format with the repeated words dropping. It enhances the dreamlike nature of this poem.
3. I said that I couldn't quote lines, but this line is just too amazing to ignore:
Wow. I literally have no words to describe how much I love this.
4. The mysteriousness and how it's open to interpretation. This just reminds me of why I love poetry. It's no fun in school when you're forced to analyze poems, but trying to figure this out gave me real pleasure.
Bottom line: I love this poem. I hope that this review proved useful to you in some way or another, even though I feel like I've failed to give any feedback because this poem is so awesome. Thanks for sharing this, and keep up the fantastic work!
Um......alright, definitely interesting, but.....I may be lacking brains, but I truly don't understand what this is about. Hehe.
There are, however, a few corrections you could make:
1. 'The moon is desperately gorgeous": I don't think DESPERATE is the right word. You could use OVERWHELMINGLY or some other word.
2. When you say " I want to speak, speak, speak until sadness is valid" : Well, I can't seem to find a connection between these two lines. See if you can change this somehow, as this seems mistmatched.
The basic idea I get is that the moon (she) is being personified as a person.....? I hope you'll fill me in,
Keep it up!