z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

rainbow splatters on the walls - 2/2

by mephistophelesangel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

3.

It takes James a couple days, but when he does notice, it’s impossible to go back to a state of blissful ignorance.

It’s been there all along. The way that David eyes him cautiously when he thinks he isn’t paying attention. How David has started to remove sharp objects from the house, one by one. And how, at night, David stays awake in his bed and watches James quietly, as if waiting for something to blow up or start screaming, the sneaky bastard.

James can’t believe that he hadn’t noticed it for three whole days. How had he overlooked the fact that now he needs to be treated like the equivalent of a ticking bomb? An idiot too, apparently.

He scowls down at his plastic spork and wonders again how he hadn’t noticed. David barely glances at him as James begins to stab his scrambled eggs violently, only looking up from his book —“How Schizophrenia Changed My Life”— when James begins to fling pieces of food at him.

“What?” David says, half incredulous, half exasperated.

“Really?” James snaps, bits of food flying from his mouth.

David wipes away a piece of egg from his face. “You’re gonna have to use your words a bit more.”

“Well, first of all,” James begins, slamming down the spork on the table. “I really can’t tell if you’re too shy to ask me to punch you outright so you’ve decided to read that stupid book.”

“What?”

Exactly.”

David stares at him, then sets down the book with a sigh. “James, look.”

“No, you look. I mean, listen.” James blinks for a moment, his teeth clenching and unclenching. He can feel the blood rising to his face. “Whatever. Dude. You can’t treat me like this.”

“Like what?” David responds, slowly, as if he’s talking to a particularly stupid pre-schooler.

“Like I’ve suddenly gone nuts and now I can’t even shave anymore with a razor so now what the hell do you expect me to do, wax my goddamn face?”

“Uh,” David says.

James takes a deep breath, trying to ignore the dragon that’s making a nest in the living room with pieces of broken furniture. “My point is that you’re overreacting. You’re freaking me out. If there’s something you wanna tell me, tell me. Just don’t…” He makes a vague hand gesture in the air. “Don’t be like that.”

“James,” David sighs. “First of all, you suck at talking.” He raises a finger and mouthes shut up as James bristles in protest. “Second of all, you crashed a car and put me in the hospital for seven weeks because you saw a goddamn unicorn in the car. People don’t do that. They don’t decide to run into a truck because of a unicorn. Norm— people don’t talk with mirrors, okay?”

There’s a sharp twist inside James’ chest and something rips.

David runs a hand across his face, then through his hair. “I’m sorry, dude. I’m just trying to find a way to deal with this. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s pretty damn hard for me, too.”

“Fine,” James manages to say, and he has to take a deep breath because he’s scared that he’s gonna do something drastic like starting to throw around chairs. “Fine. I get what you’re saying. I get it. Fine.”

There’s a moment of silence where David opens and closes his mouth, at a visible loss for words. Then he raises both his hands in the universal gesture for Now I’m Done With You And This Conversation.

Special James may not be like most people but he knows a dismissal when he sees one. Wordlessly, he nods and looks down at his plate of scrambled eggs. He’s already lost his appetite, and the maggots partying it up in his breakfast really aren’t helping much with that.

His chest feels like it’s filling up with concrete. He pushes the plate away.

David picks up his book again and flips another page in silence.

4.

Against all odds, things actually start to get better.

Of course, David the Awesome Brotherly Figure doesn’t think so. No, he thinks that James is planning something. Trying to pretend that he’s like Most People. Some might call James over-imaginative, but he knows that that’s not the case. It’s a bit obvious in the way that David asks stupid questions ranging from “What color’s my shirt today?” to “Tell me what food I’m cooking right now”. One of the dumbest ones had been “Can you tell me all the things that you think are in this room and the things that you know are in this room?”, whatever the hell that meant.

But James actually isn’t trying to fool David, himself or anybody else. It’s been more than a week since he had seen unicorns in the car or cockroaches covering every surface of the house. At this point, David honestly seems to be trying to convince himself that James is crazy.

James calls it Being a Paranoid Bastard. David calls it Just Being Safe.

Even now, David is trying to conduct an impromptu therapy session with his stupid questions. James is ignoring him, trying in vain to fall asleep while his brother is busy trying to prove that his brother needs to get back on his meds.

“Are you sure of the boundary between reality and imagination right now? Can you feel it?”

James tries to convince himself that David is getting the questions from that book he was reading, How Schizophrenia Changed My Life, because he refuses to believe that his twin brother is really this stupid.

There’s an expectant silence, then a heavy sigh. James hears David close some book and set it down. “Look, James,” starts David. “I know what you're thinking about this, but… Things like this don’t just go away. If it really is gone, then I need to know for sure.”

Scowling, James sits up on his bed and glares at David. “I said that it’s not happening anymore. What else do you need?”

David waves his hands in the air somewhat desperately. “Some actual evidence, dude. Something other than your words because, I mean, no offense but it’s kinda hard to believe you at the moment.”

“Yep, we’re done here,” James replies, shaking his head.

“James,” David says, and the only reason that James doesn’t ignore him is because of the sheer desperation that the word carries. “Please.”

James takes a deep breath and reminds himself that however annoying David may be, he’s still his twin brother and he’s gonna be sticking around for a long time. “It’ll be fine,” he tells David. “Really. I won’t lie to you.”

Doubt dances in David’s eyes. James attempts a smile. His eyes are aching and he should have been asleep too long ago. “I swear I won’t lie to you about this, alright?”

David stares at him for a moment, then slowly says, “Alright. Cool.” 

Right outside the room, half hidden in the darkness, the other David solemnly bows his head as if to agree. 


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1081 Reviews


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Tue Aug 15, 2017 2:13 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



What's up Mephistophelesangel? I'm back for another review because I want an ending to this story for better or for worse! Let's cut the chit-chat and jump right in.

This is a lot different in the way that I wanted and in a way that isn't as favourable. I'll start with saying that this can be better executed. Even so, the third scene or the first half of this chapter is actually the hardest hitting after reading parts one and two in the first part. The first half here does enough right to weigh out what can be fixed because even if it's my favorite part there's still improvements that can be made.

That isn't to say that the first half of this short story in whole is bad or completely inferior because it's needed for this to work, I just have more of a preference to the more contemporary and realistic elements of the second half even if the second half isn't as well-written as the first half currently. The execution in the second half of the second half (this is getting fun to say) isn't as effective as this can be. The dialogue definitely is a weaker point here and description definitely isn't a strong suit. That isn't to say that description is needed in purple prose amounts but sprinkling details about the atmosphere a little more wouldn't hurt in beefing the work up if you're wanting to do that.

The ending is hit or miss to the max. I can see some enjoying that last bit and others not. Personally I'm not a fan of the last sentence because we go back to being mysterious instead of real and I'd prefer for that to be taken out but with editing I can see that closure being more effective. instead of 'the other David' which adds a whole new aspect to this that we didn't notice or that we didn't know about before. The notion that David's hallucinations haven't went away works but not with another David if that makes sense.

The whole 'Now I'm Done With You and This Conversation' and 'David the Awesome Brotherly Figure' didn't interest me/turned me off of this although the voice and the characters are the strongest elements of this short story in whole so know that for the most part those are the stronger parts when/if you revise and edit this (you totally should because there's a lot going for this story already but there'd be even more with editing).

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! Need another review? Hit me up in my Will Review For Food thread! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Mon Aug 14, 2017 2:29 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hello! Thanks for letting me know about the second part.

In my opinion, this is at once slightly weaker and slightly stronger than the first installment.

First, I think here I feel more connected to both James and David. These characters feel less like the distant cardboard cutouts from part one and more like actual people. There's something slightly unrehearsed about the writing in this piece, and I think that you might have let the story fly with a little less intention and a little more creativity and humanity. This I strongly appreciate. If you make this happen for the entire short story, that would be ideal because as I compare part two with part one, it's almost like I'm reading something entirely different.

Second, where I feel the story fell short is in the dialogue, particularly at the beginning. It's a little unclear and slightly confusing, and the reader has to really think about what's happening. This is because the dialogue is heavily insinuating. This should not be a problem, if you backed it up in the narration part. You need to strike that balance, even if you want to maintain the ambiguity in meaning. It's not a huge issue, but I think clarity is really important here, especially considering the storyline.

Overall, looking at the short story altogether, this was a pleasant read. There's something in the way that you wrote that made experiencing mental health issues almost a normal thing, which is totally true and I really liked that. You have some great writing chops.

Thanks for the story,
Lavvie




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Mon Aug 14, 2017 7:37 am



I don't have time for a review right now so I'll just leave a quick comment, but wow. Crazy mirrors, two people? A little confusing but well written.





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