Ennui
Silver strands of the moon wove themselves through the windows in the kitchen. The inside of the house was eerily silent, that it almost seemed like it was supposed to have broken down some time ago.
A man stood in the middle of it all, as if he were a part of the silence. He, standing with a kitchen knife in his hand, took a moment to examine the interior of the house before he headed away from the window he had broken through.
He walked as if the house was his. The steps that he took didn’t stop the half-settled darkness from clinging to his body lovingly. His shadow extended down the wooden floor. The pale light from the outside quickly faded when he passed a small closet, and began his way upstairs.
The stairs creaked dangerously under his feet. The man cast his bright amber eyes down. They seemed to blend into the darkness. There was a moment of silent consideration, then the man continued to climb the stairway, this time more lightly and carefully.
The silence was even richer upstairs. Even though there was no physical sound, the house seemed to hum lowly in anticipation and knowledge.
There were only three doors down the hallway. The man stood at the top of the staircase and cocked his head to the side. He listened for a long moment, then began to walk to the door that was closest to him.
He reached out with a black-gloved hand. The round doorknob turned in his hand. Without even a hint of hesitation, he let the door open.
In the room was a woman, sitting on her bed with a flashlight and a stack of papers. Before the man could read what was written on them, she rolled up the papers and set it down on the bed sheet. Looking up, she examined the man and the knife with a pair of black eyes.
“I heard you downstairs,” she said flatly.
“Hm,” the man responded, and ran a fingertip along the blade of the kitchen knife. “I was trying to be silent.” He twisted his lips into a smile.
Nodding, the woman shone the flashlight on the man. The man didn’t move, although his left eye twitched. For a long time, they simply gazed at each other. The woman then moved her eyes down to the knife again. Grinning faintly, she glanced up.
“You have yellow eyes,” she noted, breaking the silence.
The man shrugged, and began to slowly advance to the woman. “It’s your flashlight,” he replied. About a foot from the bed, he stopped in mid-step. His eyes narrowed slightly, his irises gleaming. “You aren’t shaking.”
With a tilted smile on her face, the woman stood up from her bed. She raised a hand and scratched the back of her neck. “I really have nothing to do. And I don’t mind if I die. Not really.”
Putting his heel on the ground first, the man padded forward until he stood right in front of the woman. He raised his knife and placed the tip of the blade on the woman’s cheek. The man raised an eyebrow. “You really think so?”
A spark of interest blossomed in the woman’s eyes. She tilted her head to the left, and nodded.
A thin trail of blood raced down her cheek, as the man leaned forward and pushed the knife in a millimeter. “I’m going to carve out the flesh here,” he murmured sweetly, the corners of his lips going up. Slowly, he pulled out the knife, directed it at the opposite cheek, and drew a small circle three times. “And here.”
“Go on,” the woman said, her eyes curving softly in a smile.
“And I’ll pull out your eyes while you’re still alive,” the man continued. He moved the blade down and tapped it against the woman’s lips. “If I cut out your tongue, you’ll either bleed to death, or,” he paused, and glanced at the woman.
“Or?” she inquired, her eyes smiling even more.
“The tongue will roll back into your throat and you’ll suffocate,” the man concluded.
“I didn’t know that,” the woman responded.
Lowering his eyes back to the tip of his knife, the man nodded absently. “Not a lot of people do. They just think they’re going to die of shock.”
The woman nodded back at him, and tapped her foot against the floor. Her eyes slowly lost their light of interest. “What now?” at last, she asked.
Cocking his head to the side, the man frowned to himself. “I guess I kill you.”
Opening her mouth slightly, the woman raised a finger to stop him. “Just a second. Did you dye your hair? It’s really pale.”
The man drummed his thumb on the plastic handle of the kitchen knife. “Not really. It’s natural.”
“Did you ever cut it?”
Shaking his head, the man drew red lines on the woman’s forehead with the knife, before he came to a pause on the right eyebrow. “When I was young, once.”
“Okay. Wait. Can I see your knife?”
“I don’t mind,” the man said and turned the knife around in his hand two times slowly. The woman’s eyes traveled along the blade that reflected the faint light from the flashlight.
“Where did you get it?”
“A house with a family of five,” he shrugged, and aimed the tip of the blade at the woman’s eyes again. A shadow of contemplation dawned on her face. After a moment of thinking, she snapped her fingers.
“So you’re the necrophiliac serial murderer. You’re intriguing.”
Making a soft hum of agreement in his throat, the man lowered his knife and shoved it deeply into the woman’s stomach. He rotated the blade twice, then pulled it out just as swiftly.
The woman clenched her teeth, squinting, and winced. Contrary to her face, when she glanced up, her eyes were flat. “You said that you were going to carve out my cheeks,” she muttered. She pressed her palm to her stomach and glanced at the blood that now coated her hand.
“Change of plans,” the man responded, taking his mouth off of the blade that he had been licking clean, in order to talk.
Watching the man polish the blade again, the woman sat down on the bed and laced her fingers together. “So, how long until I die?”
The man silently took a seat beside the woman. Immediately, droplets of blood began to fall onto the white bed. The tips of his nearly white, blond hair were colored red with blood. “About three to five minutes. Depends,” he said in response.
Beaming, the woman angled the flashlight so that it illuminated both of them, and turned to face the man. “Then we’ve got a plenty of time to talk.”
“Indeed,” the man replied, his eyes twinkling with delightful interest, and placed the clean knife beside him. “I’m Heath Grey.”
“Wiska Lu. It sounds like a V, but it’s actually a W.”
The man leaned back in a relaxed posture. Dark shadows danced on his face.
“You know, I was wondering all along; what’s on that paper you were reading?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi.
I like the Gothic-y theme of this piece and I think the length is just enough to give a good sense of suspense.
However, I feel the general style of the piece is too 'word-heavy.'
For me, there are too many literary devices eg. adjectives, occasions where personification, metaphor and simile are used, which just generally slows the piece down; and makes it more difficult to read.
The principle of the story is good and I like the character names and the setting all feels authentic, but it's just the use of so many language devices that makes it feel a little purple prose-y for me.
Keep writing.
hello! I love your story!
just out of curiosity: do you know what Wiska Lu was reading? You don't have to tell me what it is, I just want to know if you had anything particular in mind. It seems like you do.
also, apparently, you joined YWS on my 13th birthday (I'm fourteen now). It feels like something is fate-y, if you believe in that sorta thing, haha.
Hello!
Really, I have nothing to correct. This was wonderful! The characters were intriguing and the plot was suspenseful. I found myself scanning to read the next line. It was creepy, yet mysterious and charming all the same. Great job!
Keep working hard! I can't wait to read more of your work!
~Owl
So what was on the paper? As creepy and cool as this story was I still feel the need to find out the answer to the necrophiliac's question.
Good story by the way, they'd make a great pair if she wasn't going to die.
The contents of the paper will be kept secret...
Thank you for your comment!
Hello Mephistopheles. I loved your piece of writing. It's so cruel, horrible, and somehow beautiful(how on earth did you do that).
The really interesting factor in this story would definitely be Wiska Lu, the female main character. Her personality is really something, isn't it? I don't know what her life was like. Was she an extremely unfortunate person? Or is she just a girl with the personality of a psycho? I can only guess, but she makes an epic character either way.
The story is incomplete, and it's fine that way since it's a short story. I really hoped to read more of it though, because I can't even guess what would be on the papers she was reading. There are so many possibilities. Also, to be honest, I have a feeling that Heath could've just read the papers since they are conveniently on the bed sheet right next to him. (Or did I read it wrong?) If he was being polite about private life, what a gentleman Heath is. ^^
Overall, I really loved the story. Though I've just complained about the papers part, it's good with the clean ending you made. Also, although I love Wiska, I'm a little relieved that she will probably die. Although dying and killing are different things, it gives me chills to think that she could get interested with Heath's activities of murdering and torturing. Also, within that three to five minutes, Wiska could make Heath regret his decision of killing her. Of course, all of these are just my hopeful delusions...
Anyway, good job. It was so beautifully terrorizing, and I enjoyed every letter of it.
- Verdigris
Thank you so much for your review! It helped so much
(By the way, OH MY GOD ARE YOU KOREAN????!!!)
Mephis
I'm glad I was helpful.
And yesh, I am Korean xDD
- Verdigris
*shudders*
I would prefer (personally) if you put the "at last, she asked" before the "What now?" because then it tells me how the character is saying the words, and how long the silence was before she spoke, etc. I think it would just add more effect.I have one tiny suggestion:
That's it.
Honestly, I was reading this story at night, and God was I creeped out. I kid you not, I kept on looking behind my chair to see if a smiling serial killer was raising a knife behind me. (I just looked again. *Shivers*)
The only part I don't get is the last line. Is there any point in it? What is it supposed to imply? I may be being dense, but I'd love for you to explain
Otherwise, great story. I can see why it's featured. I just can't stop looking behind my chair.
Overall rating: 10/10
Keep writing!
+1
Thank you for reviewing! I'll take your suggestion into consideration
Also, I'm glad that my writing made a reader feel an emotion! That's my ultimate goal!
The last line is Heath asking Wiska about the paper that she was reading.
Thank you, again!
Of course--fantastic piece!
I do know that Heath is asking Wiska about the paper she was reading, but really, what relevance does it have to the story? Like, was there some big secret on the paper that I'm missing? I'm a tad confused :/
Ohhhh, ok. I understand your question now.

I just included that dialogue to make it seem, you know, like a casual conversation. There is absolutely no secret to the paper.
Mephis
This story honestly creeped me out a bit... But I loved the last comment. That's the man speaking to the woman, right?
Yep, it was! Thank you for commenting!
Your comment did help a lot (laughs in a sick, twisted and demented way)! Like, I don't mean to sound totally weird, but I love the fact that you found my story haunting
It really was meant to be kind of weird...
Thank you for your review!
24 hour review ticket. If I don't get to it by then, message me