The Thirteenth Month

by mephistophelesangel

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

/Recording on July 24, 2015/

- Hello. It’s great to finally meet you.

- Hello. Yes, I remember your call.

- Well, I don’t think my voice was too great that day, don’t you think?

- I don’t judge. You said that this is a documentary?

- Oh, yes. I have the camera right here, on my shoulder.

- Is this being recorded?

- Yes. Does it make you uncomfortable?

- No, it’s fine. Let’s get to the questions.

- If you want to.

- Yes, I do.

- Alright. Let me check one thing on this camera real quick… Alright.

- …

- If I may ask, why do you live?

- I was born.

- Well, of course. Maybe, could you specify?

- I am alive, and that is why I live. I breathe, I walk… This is being alive.

- Okay, I think that’s all. Thank you.

- Really? Only one question?

- I know how that sounds, but, well, that was the purpose of this interview.

- Interesting.

- Well, before I turn off the camera, do you have anything you’d like to add?

- … I sometimes wonder if you have to live, just because you’re still breathing. I don’t know why I’m living. Do you? … Do you really?

- …

- If living without knowing why you are living is agony, doesn’t it mean that this pain is the payment you have to make to live? To me, that is cruel. I think that a reason to live is only required for someone… Who wants it.

- If I understood correctly, do you not want life?

- I think I answered that question.

- … Then I’ll have to look over this footage. I have to say, you’re a very complicated office worker to understand.

- If you think so.

- I hope that we meet again outside this building. I should get going now… Have a nice afternoon.

- Goodbye.

_____________________________________________________

Daylight drifted through the small windows of the second floor, illuminating the figure of a man in black formal dress.

With his back straight, the man collected the remaining papers on his wooden desk with both hands, and tapped it softly against the surface of the desk in order to set the edges straight. Putting down the papers, he pushed up a pair of iron-rimmed glasses with an index finger, slowly going over the view of his organized and cold work station.

All the papers were stacked up and pushed to the left. Right next to it was a plastic cup with two pens, a highlighter and a marker. With a finger, the man felt the unscratched surface of the desk, then the rounded edges. His dark eyes curved in a soft smile behind the glasses.

He took one last glance around the floor that he was on, finding nobody else except for him. After squinting at the bright windows that were blocking out the sight of the sky, he walked to the metal doors of the elevator, the heels of his shoes clicking against the floor softly. A hollow echo followed closely behind him.

For a short while after the elevator button was pressed, the man waited patiently with his eyes staring straight forward. The light that broke against the metal doors reflected itself onto the man’s face. When the door slid open with a low groan, the man stepped into the elevator, pressed another button, clasped his hands in front of his body and began to wait again.

It took only a split second for the elevator to jolt into a stop; until the very moment when the doors parted, the man didn’t move an inch.

Raising his eyes to a bright glare of light, the man walked out of the elevator slowly. Right in front of him awaited yet another door. After running a thumb along the icy and scratched door handle, the man twisted his wrist just enough so that he could open the door.

Immediately, the man stepped into a rush of warm air and whispering winds. The door slammed shut behind him.

With his hair brushing against his face, the man glanced up at the sky, and stood there for only a short moment. His eyes drifted left and right, closed, opened, and refocused as he began to approach where the building gave way to the winds.

The man’s leisurely strides only came to a stop when he finally reached the iron railings. He curled his fingers around the bars, then suddenly stopped.

Still gazing straight forward, the man lightly brushed off both of his arms, the white collar of his shirt, and lastly, his hands.

His time seemed to begin again. With a normal speed of movement, the man stepped onto the railing, his whole body swaying and balanced precariously. Without hurry, he took off his glasses, wiped the lenses clean, and slipped them into his pocket.

He brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes, took one step forward, then barely, another, leading into nothing but air.

The man smiled as he fell.

Comments

Points: 561
Reviews: 476

Donate

Mon Jan 19, 2015 10:22 am

Apricity wrote a review...

Here as requested. You've already got two pretty good reviews, so I will see what I can say on top of that. You wanted feedback on your tone, setting, character and background if I'm not mistaken. So I'm going to do exactly that.

The title is very interesting, reminds me a bit of the opening line in 1984. Would you mind explaining to me why it’s called that?

The setting of the story to be honest is rather vague; I didn’t get very much from it. There wasn’t a lot of context to base it on; you have a very short interview written simply for the sake of telling us that information. Or more precisely,

If living without knowing why you are living is agony, doesn’t it mean that this pain is the payment you have to make to live? To me, that is cruel. I think that a reason to live is only required for someone… Who wants it.

What I’ve quoted from your story, the entire interview is built up for that climax a philosophical exploration of life. Now, don’t get me wrong. I adore philosophy to death and back (by the way, if you ever want to discuss philosophy, chat me up.) but in writing, you can’t just dump it onto the page. You need context to back it up. The person being interviewed is an office worker; he doesn’t seem to be an ordinary office worker? Where is he working at, is a documentary well why is the documentary on him? Why is he so special? Under what circumstances does the interview take place? The lack of background information makes it hard for me to visualize both characters clearly, and the duration of the interview also strikes me as unrealistic. He just wanted to ask that one question? Most of the time, documentary details someone’s entire life, so if he’s only asking that one question I think you should expand on why he’s just asking that one question.

Though if I had to take my guess, it paints a picture that it’s set somewhat into the future; it’s not the present but we don’t know exactly when in the future. Have you read The Handmaid’s Tale, the setting resembles that slightly but more sci-fi ish.

Onto the characters, they’re both very intriguing characters granted. Intriguing but totally undeveloped characters, I’m sorry to be blunt but there is nothing in there that tells me about who they are, or what their personality is like. The office worker gives off the vibe that he is one who ponders about life a lot, and someone who believes that life should be lived to its fullest potential but at the same time. He sounds like one hell of a pessimist. But I don’t why he is like that; I want to know the psychology behind his reasoning that’s what makes a character realistic. Onto the man itself, I have to say that the ending was rather unexpected. He goes in for an interview, walks out, and kills himself.

So…that was pretty abrupt. Even though he intended the killing, it still comes off as something that’s rather disjointed from the rest of the story and frankly I’m not sure how that serves as the ending to this story. If he was affected by what the office worker said, then he didn’t show any signs of it. It’s not a bad ending, but it’s not a good ending either. If you worked on developing idea a bit more, then perhaps it’d be a good ending.

As for tone, I’m guessing you’re settling for more of a post-modernish, mystery tone. In that case, you’ve achieved it. There’s a very strong sense of suspense and mystery that permeates throughout the story, your description is very nice in the second half of the story. A very steady, almost Kafka-like sort of voice, that being said it would be nice if you spend some time describing the man’s inner emotions to the earlier meeting as well.

Hm, the feeling I got whilst finishing this story was a mixed between, well that was an interesting read really got me thinking about what happened. And prompted several philosophical thoughts into my head, on the other hand I was going. ‘Ok, nice story but what’s with that ending. That was totally random, and I wish they expanded the interview more.’ So, you’ve got a rather unique idea there but it does need some tweaking. If you have any questions regarding this review, please feel free to ask me.
-Flite

Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate

Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:57 pm

TimmyJake wrote a review...

Timmy heeeere :3

So the first thing I noticed was the odd formatting of the first part, and I went "Whaaa?" But then I realized it was a recording of an interview. That was a really neat concept to intertwine into the piece, and while I enjoyed it being in there, I think you could have incorporated it better. Mainly, when I say better, I mean give it more of a reason. Because I read through the piece twice before I realized what the beginning was for, and I am still struggling to see a reason for it there. I see what you're trying to show the reader - that this man is going to throw his life away because he doesn't think life is worth living. But from the perspective of someone looking at this story for the first time, it seems to serve as a deterrent from the piece. Because it seems odd and disjointed compared to the rest of the piece.

In order to make it read fluid through, I would make the piece so the interview is not the first thing the reader sees. Perhaps begin the story with him sitting at his desk, going through papers - that sort of thing. Meanwhile, you're showing the reader his present mood and how he feels about things. And then have the phone call come in, and switch over to the interview (making sure they still mesh together). Otherwise, we don't know who these people are, and why it's like this. And it seemed to me to be the wrong kind of mystery for the reader. Perhaps another reviewer will have a different opinion, though. c: Another thing which tripped me up was the reason for this interview. It almost seemed to me as though you simply wanted to have a unique way to express the thoughts of this character, and so built up this interview. Why would they be interviewing office workers, and only asking them one question? It just didn't make sense to me. Perhaps more clarification would fix that problem right up. ^.^

required for someone… Who wants it

This part read clunky to me, and I think the ellipsis is to blame (...). Not necessarily that you had it in there, and thank you thank you thank you for remembering the space in-between the ellipsis and the next word, but that it seemed in the wrong place. When I read it to myself without the ellipsis, there is a pause right after who. Perhaps it's just me. xD Also, since they're in the same sentence, the word after an ellipsis (unless it actually is the end of the sentence) doesn't need to be capitalized.

I hope that we meet again outside this building.

This seemed like an odd way to put things. Especially because they were talking on the phone. Perhaps something more relating to their phone conversation? Perhaps: I hope we meet again(talk again) outside this phone call? Something like that might make more sense.

So, the part that's the actual short story seems to be well written from a glance, with few to none technical issues (I could go on about your excessive adverbs, but a quick note will suffice - look them over and weed them out. c:). And I enjoyed that part much more than the beginning, even though the first part was more unique. Because the writing was the best, and there was more of the character's actions to follow through with his thoughts. But while I say that, I like the interview a lot, and it's definitely an important part of the piece - not to be removed. But the second half seems to explain every question the first half opened and every bit of confusion the reader might have had in the beginning. While this piece isn't fully understood in the first read-through, the second time around gives you a better appreciation for the story and the piece.

One thing I would try to continually work on as you write is to avoid stating a sequence of actions. Your writing, when going through a scene, is to have your character's movements in something like a running list. He did this, did this, and did this - for four plus sentences to make up a paragraph. That is a no-no, and all of us writers fall into that at some point (heh, my writing is the worst for that. xD). Work on spicing it up, avoiding the mere stating of actions in a list. Keep things lively. There is no need to state every action, and remember that in a sequence of actions, many of them can usually be taken out and still have the reader with a full picture. Think of auto-fill for those parts. Putting down the papers, he pushed up a pair of iron-rimmed glasses with an index finger. In order for him to push up his pair of iron-rimmed glasses, he would need to put the paper down. For me, that would state itself. If you just said that "he pushed up a pair of iron-rimmed glasses...", I think it would flow better and you'd attain less of an list of actions.

One more thing that's making you actions seem stilted and in consecutive order is that you're putting so many adjectives into them. As you go, you're inserting so many descriptive words that I tend to get overwhelmed. While it is best to describe as you go, rather than the description in one block and the action in another, remember that they are separate from one another. Instead of saying, I rode my blue bike with chrome handlebars, pink streamers and beads on the rims, down the street, try to separate the two a bit. So, I rode my bike down the street. It was blue, with chrome handlebars, etc... While I am not suggesting you describe a bike with such detail, there is a pitiful example to hopefully help you see what I'm talking about. Separate the two more often than when you do, and give them their own sentences. :3

So this doesn't explore his inner feelings much in the piece, and while you did write it in a more disconnected way (except the interview), I would have liked to see more into him than what you allowed us to. Whether by thought or seeing his feelings through his actions, there should have been more there for us to see. Because the entire piece centers around this character, his actions, his words, and your job is to make sure the reader understands the reasons for everything he does. Throughout most of this, his mind is a closed book to me. At the end, you did a good job with the the man smiled as he fell part which told me how he felt in that part, but you could have incorporated more thought and more feeling into the piece. Which would have boosted the emotion in the piece as a whole. Just look at it, read it over, tweak it a bit. c:

I thought this was a very good piece, and I loved your idea. While I didn't agree with the man's method of taking care of things, this was a very powerful story - one of despair. And the interview did a good job showing how he felt about things (although I did lose it a bit at the rant towards the end). So while I have my insignificant nitpicks, this piece was written very well, and I enjoyed both your method of telling stories, and the idea itself. And keep it up with that originality of yours, okay? The interview was such a good idea. This is a good short story, and I enjoyed reading it a lot.

~Darth Timmyjake

Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate

Sun Jan 18, 2015 7:09 am

View Likes

Iggy wrote a review...

Hello there!

First off, I don't really have any technical nitpicks for you. But that definitely doesn't mean that your work is perfect because no work is ever really perfect. (Yes, not even you, J.K. Rowling ;_;). So don't take my word for it; I didn't spot any grammar errors, but there probably is some.

For the most part, I quite enjoyed this. I found the first half, the interview, to go along smoothly, despite the confusion of what was going on.

With that part, you could tell that the interviewer and the interviewee weren't quite on the same page, with the interviewer choosing to ask only one important question and the confusion the interviewee showed, so clearly he hadn't been briefed or aware of how the interview would go. Or, more specifically, what they were looking for.

The interview gave more questions than it did answers. Obviously you don't want us to know who the interviewer or interviewee are, as judging by the next part, when the interviewee shows up and is only ever referred to as "him". And that's okay. But what is this interview for? And what an odd question to ask at the beginning; not your typical interview, to ask someone why they live.

At first, you're thinking this is something to do with suicide or dying, as per the interviewee's response. And you're right, if you think just that. But that doesn't mean we're stillnot sure what the interview is about. And that's the only thing the interviewer wanted to know?

Another question the reader is left with is what the last line of the interview meant, when the interviewer remarks on how the interviewee is an complicated office worker. .. So they know each other? This is some office interview? What is going on?

I know you were looking for a mysterious, elusive air when going about this, and you achieved that. This story succeeded in telling a story. And while most short stories don't necessarily have to tie up loose ends, it's always best that you do so, because you'll end up with a very pissed off reader if you don't. And if you do (or did) tie up those loose ends, try to make it as obvious as you can without making it too obvious. Does that make sense? By that, what I mean, is to avoid out-right explaining or info-dumping on the reader. Perhaps explain as you go along. Include bits here and there, to help the reader slowly understand what is going on.

As I said: good work. I enjoyed the way this was written, especially the second half of the work, when you took more of a grasp on the story. Interviews limit you on description, but once you hit the second half, you didn't hold back; you elegantly weaved imagery into the scene without overburdening us. Overall, it just needs a few loose ends tied up, but nonetheless, it was still beautifully written.

I hope that helps.

~Iggy

Young Writers Society

The Thirteenth Month

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources