the thoughts of a used lemon wedge

Hi Megsug. Hope you are having a nice day. Anyways, the poem. I clicked on this poem because the title caught my eye as I was cruising through the green room. It struck me as really interesting and unusual and an potentially cool way to frame a poem.

And it was. The first stanza was by far my favorite. I tend to like poems that are indirect in how they deliver their message to you, using metaphor and specific formatting and language decisions to convey a feeling or idea, and I felt the first stanza did that the best. I particularly liked "my only defense / is zested away to serve as a garnish" and "as if it wasnt my chain mail."

At places in the rest of the poem I felt that the metaphor wasn't as subtle though. I wasn't a huge fan of the lines "my bared soul throbs / at the thought" mostly because they felt cliche and melodramatic next to the lines before it. The bits towards the end about being sucked and squeezed out, too, just didn't feel particularly subtle either.

I did like your choice to forgo capitalization and punctuation. It worked well in creating that feeling of emptiness or weariness. I also appreciated the play with line breaks and spacing, though I think if you wanted you could push it further and do more with it in the poem.

Happy writing,
Masq

Hi megsug, acm here for a review!
The thoughts of a used lemon wedge. I don't know why, but I really love the title. Maybe it was just eye catching, but I think it really set the mood for the piece-- sort of reflective and thoughtful. I think this poem has some great potential, and with a little work it could reach the best that it could be. This piece has a lot of great wording and the ideas are unique and well thought out. My only problem was the flow.

I know not having punctuation might be the style in the poem, but I think that having a few periods or commas here and there would make it much easier to read. I didn't know where one idea started and the other ended. The stanzas and indents helped, but it still felt a bit disjointed. For example, in stanza two, I felt like a few punctuation marks would help the meaning get across better:

i understand
a sacrifice must be made
for a masterpiece.
for that sacrifice,
my skin
to be used for presentation
pure and useless.
my bared soul throbs
at the thought

I'm holding no punches since you have the all-clear to tear it to shreds.
I think this has the potential to be very powerful. As it stands, there are points where it gets too literal, e.g. the third stanza. It could be such a beautiful metaphor, especially with lines like 'as if it wasn't my chain mail' but you stunt it's ability to be an extended metaphor for a person's plight by throwing in parts that have too much specificity without a clear metaphorical counterpart. This relegated the poem to merely describing the pov of a lemon and, while the imagery and wording is good, the effect is less than it could be.
The concept of sacrificing your self for a masterpiece, for something you consider beautiful, or being marginalized in some way for another's vision or sense of right and wrong- that would have a lasting effect on the reader, and you're so close.
Your word choice is marvelous. Chain mail to describe lemon skin! Glorious.
Finally, I personally didn't understand the indentations and wasn't a big fan of some of the line breaks that felt awkward, but formatting is not my forte, so I'll leave it at that.
Finally, I would like to apologize for any spelling mistakes or auto corrections that might have tooken place in this review. I'm on my phone which makes correcting such mistakes a challenge.
Best of luck, keep writing, peace out.
-tgirly

Heyo megsug!

I'm not much of a poetry person, but I really liked your piece! The formatting made it really interesting to read. There are a few errors that could be fixed, uh, if you're interested. (this is my first review please don't devour me, i really liked ittttt)

So um, I feel like there's a lot of potential for this piece. I love experimental writing so I really enjoyed this piece. The feeling is there, and by that I mean the stuck-in-a-locked-car-on-a-summer-day-with-the-windows-up kind of feeling. The feeling of trapped frustration.

That said I think you could do a little more with the formatting, (not that it isn't already great, *sweats nervously*) But if you emphasized certain words and phrases with spacing then I think it could be a more effective poem. As it is currently, the flow of the poem seems a little choppy. By that I mean it's hard to find where to rise and fall in tone and pace.

But anyway, formatting. Yes. So if you indented some different phrases I think it could be a lot more effective. Um, keep in mind that this is my opinion, you don't gotta change it if you don't want to, but i'd appreciate it if you like, considered it? :S

So, examples. The fifth line "to be ignored" looks kind of like the start to the next section. If you indented it so that it started past where the fourth line ended, it would stand out more. It might turn into one of those gut feelings where you've swallowed a stone and it sticks to the bottom of your stomach like a bug to flypaper. In words I mean.

You've already written a fairly solid piece, (gotta say, never thought of a lemon like that before) and maybe if you change the formatting a little it will be even better?



thanks for your time.


plz don't hurt me