My initial luck
was seeing through the aluminum
he called armor
and the Shetland
he thought was a Clydesdale.
After that it was funny
(when it wasn't annoying)
to see him parade about,
a pigeon pretending to be a peacock.
The whisper of a kiss and
the thought that a jester
could possibly be good enough for a knight
killed the joke.
I wasted time to
prop up a tragic hero
whose shield was
flimsy mockery and
mock humility,
all the time thinking
it was I who was protected.
I've thrown off my armor
and climbed into my tower.
Sweet Prince, this isn't retreat.
This is reclaiming territory,
rebuilding walls.
The noble don't acknowledge jesters.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,421 Reviews
Dang. This is awesome.
So, if I'm not much mistaken, the jester refers to somebody who was the narrator's friend, but the narrator realized that he wasn't genuine, and so spurned his romantic advances.
I've also read the original poem, so part of my review is going to be comparing the two.
I like how you changed it so that the narrator isn't addressing an unknown person, but is talking about their own experiences instead. I think this makes for a stronger, smoother narrative.
I found it interesting how you changed the idea of seeing through the jester from a "mistake" to "luck." It fits better with the theme, too.
I only have a few nitpicks for this stanza. First, I understand that you're thinking of aluminum foil when you say "aluminum," but I'm pretty sure that aluminum can be strong in some forms. Changing it to "tinfoil" would make it clearer that you're talking about weak and flimsy aluminum foil.
Also, I'd put a comma after "armor." While technically not grammatical, I feel like a pause would separate the two lines better and give the reader time to ponder them. With only a line break, I kind of rush through it.
In the first line of this stanza, I think the "to" detracts from the otherwise powerful "I wasted time." Either put the "to" on the next line or reword it to "propping up a tragic hero."
"Flimsy mockery" doesn't quite fit. I understand that it refers to him being a mockery of a knight, but using "mockery" here makes "mock humility" seem repetitive. I think you could replace "mockery" with a more powerful word. Perhaps "flimsy flattery" - it alludes to him trying to charm the narrator. Plus, alliteration!
Finally, I don't quite understand why the narrator thought they were protected. Didn't they see through the jester's act back at the beginning of the poem? Why do they still think the jester protects them?
I really like this ending - short and to the point. The clarity of the whole poem is really nice.
I'd like to suggest an addition to the last couple of lines. Something like:
"This is reclaiming territory,
rebuilding walls that weren't yours
to tear down."
I think this would further drive home the point that the jester was crossing lines he shouldn't have, and seems like the sort of defiant thing the narrator would say.
Lastly, "The noble don't acknowledge jesters" could be read as "People who are noble..." but because of the theme of nobility it reads more like you are referring to a physical noble. If that were the case it should be "nobles," and it seems like a typo.
In fact, I'd actually recommend changing it to "Nobles don't acknowledge jesters." It's more concise, and as a last line I think it hits home better.
And that's it! Thanks for such a lovely, strong poem, and I hope my review will be useful.
Hello.
What does this mean?This poem is very allegorical and the narrative element works well in building the image of the 'jester' and the court that you have hear.
The meaning in the first stanza is relatively easy to understand, however, by the time I get to the second, I am quite considerably confused:
It's clever imagery, but it doesn't make sense. Or at least, not to me. :/
XD
Towards the end I realised this looks to be some sort of revenge story. As in the jester is sick of not being recognised and has had enough of it that he decides to take his revenge? Is that it?
I'm very baffled but also intrigued by this poem.
Keep writing.
~R
Hey there! I really liked the play on words with the jester being a joke. That was really clever. I actually like the whole idea of this piece, a jester pretending to be a knight in order to win the girl. The comparison of armor to aluminum and a Clydesdale to a Shetland add great imagery and humor to the piece. I only wish you explored that a little more to develop the idea. The last stanza is a great finish! I like how you address the guy directly calling him "Sweet Prince". I can hear the patronization in that line. Overall great job!
Keep it up!
I dig the message!
Correct me if i'm wrong. But I thought this poem was about.....
Even the weak, the doubted people, can be just as good as anyone else.
And no one takes jesters serious. cause their there to be funny and maybe this jesters wanted to be more than a joke. but a hero.
"The whisper of a kiss and
the thought that a jester
could possibly be good enough for a knight
killed the joke."
My favorite part, the ending was just funny.
This was good and I was fascinated by the message.
Hopefully i'm not wrong about my understanding of the message.