Short sentences represent well the thoughts of a babe, the simplicity and effectiveness in this simplicity- is, well; effective. We get the message, clear as day; when he asks if he belongs there- the world screams he does. Even though you went straight to the point, maybe you could’ve (instead of starting by his mother throwing him away) started with him in the dumpster (for a hook) and then a flashback could reveal why. I like the way you can skid your way down your poem without marking a pause, and swallow everything in later. Do I seem unclear? I mean that it’s easy as hell to read, and short; and the message comes later on as we ponder on it. Instead of random objects in the dumpster, you might’ve used more appealing/not cheap objects but so useless they ended there/.. basically, objects with second meanings. Metaphors in metaphors in metaphors is the most creative and beautiful way of writing poems/stories. Maybe these objects have a connection with the babe.. dead goldfish.. maybe representing his childhood pet which died with his birth.. a smashed drink bottle.. for the reason his mother decided to cast him away..
I also like the way you left the why’s? And then what? Questions unanswered. Why did his mother do that? What will happen? When? And what will the mother do now? What will happen to him? Will they meet again? Will he be saved? Or is he what your poem demonstrates.. a piece of junk..
Points: 0
Reviews: 109
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