“I don’t want this baby!”,
I heard her cry.
The cool air outside the worm womb
electrocuted me
blending with her motherly sobs.
.
Sorry, she said
Then embraced me tight
as her salty tears burned my cheeks
.
I sensed movement
Slow, steady paces
A metal clicked,
and I was free
.
Life is a freefall
A hasty drop that hits me
from all four sides.
It’s dark…
It’s cold…
A little humid
like a drying wound.
.
At the end of the fall,
there’s light.
My eyes pop open
A dead goldfish,
A brown banana peel,
A smashed drink bottle,
And a pair of old socks.
As I ask myself,
“Do I belong here?”,
the world stinks,
and I cry.
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140,122 Literary Works • 673,030 Reviews
Short sentences represent well the thoughts of a babe, the simplicity and effectiveness in this simplicity- is, well; effective. We get the message, clear as day; when he asks if he belongs there- the world screams he does. Even though you went straight to the point, maybe you could’ve (instead of starting by his mother throwing him away) started with him in the dumpster (for a hook) and then a flashback could reveal why. I like the way you can skid your way down your poem without marking a pause, and swallow everything in later. Do I seem unclear? I mean that it’s easy as hell to read, and short; and the message comes later on as we ponder on it. Instead of random objects in the dumpster, you might’ve used more appealing/not cheap objects but so useless they ended there/.. basically, objects with second meanings. Metaphors in metaphors in metaphors is the most creative and beautiful way of writing poems/stories. Maybe these objects have a connection with the babe.. dead goldfish.. maybe representing his childhood pet which died with his birth.. a smashed drink bottle.. for the reason his mother decided to cast him away..
I also like the way you left the why’s? And then what? Questions unanswered. Why did his mother do that? What will happen? When? And what will the mother do now? What will happen to him? Will they meet again? Will he be saved? Or is he what your poem demonstrates.. a piece of junk..
Hello, I’m here to review! I’m going to start with the things I like:
I loved the description in this and the metaphors that captivated me until the end. This poem told a story, and gave me a lot of clear images, which is important for the reader, so they feel like they’re there. So awesome job! Not everyone can capture an idea effectively, but you did it pretty nicely.
Now on to some critique:
- One thing I’m going to point out is your lack of punctuation in half of this poem. In poetry, you technically should add commas and periods (or other punctuation points). This is to make the poem flow a bit better. Although I don’t think it effected too much in this, but I do think it would improve your flow a bit more.
- Like the other review said, you missed the quotation marks for one word. This isn’t major at all, and easily correctable. It didn’t effect the read of the poem so don’t stress over it :3 You got a pretty decent poem here.
- One last thing I’m going to say is the ending wasn’t great. Everything else leading up to it was amazing, especially your word choices. But the ending was kind of unsatisfying. I think it needs to end more with like a BOOM, something to make me think “Wow. That was great!”
That’s all the critique I have. I think if you edited a few of the nitpicks and changed the last two lines, this would be a perfect poem! But give yourself a pat on the back because you’ve done some real nice work.
Sorry if this review sounded harsh at all, it’s not my intention. You should definitely keep writing poetry.
-Alice
Hi, mb1221!!!
I'm Gigi, here with your first review.
First off, great job!!! Remember in the dialogue to use quotation marks, which you did for the most part, there were just a few places where you didn't. I like the imagery and the personification you used when comparing the Garbage Chute to the pregnancy. I thought that was an interesting take. I like that you showed the speaker's insecurities, making it real and raw emotion. Great job on that. Overall I think you did extremely well.
Keep Writing! <3
~Gigi, The Jesus Freak