Young Writers Society

Wow. This has just got to strike a chord within everyone. Kicking yourself forever because of the chance you didn't take, and how it can come back and hurt so badly.
You captured that emotion so accurately. I really felt it. I love when I have a reaction of "no, it's not supposed to be that way!" And here I definitely did.
But when you say thee, I don't think It really fits. That cuts into how easy it otherwise is to relate to, and it doesn't seem to fit in with the language in the rest of the poem. That distracted me a bit from the otherwise great writing.
Hope this helps,
Siobhan

Hi there! I will be the review today, and I am very excited. Sorry if I repeat anything, but it will help you make sure to change it I would guess. So here we go!

1. The good things about this piece: there are a lot! The emotion is strong, which is good. You did really well at using imagery and showing me rather than telling me. The lines that start with "With the guy who..." Are my favorite part of the poem, and it works really well for the closing.

The not so good things:

2. As the earlier review said, "Over phone" would have been better with a "the" in between. I have made that mistake, where my mind is a mile a head of me and I forget to type a word, but that can be fixed with a proofread before posting.

3. Your five days late for???? I can't tell if your talking about late as in you might be pregnant, or late like it has been five days since you sent the message, and did he every respond? This poem left me with a lot of unanswered questions, and not in a leave it up to the reader way. Besides the first one I am left wondering...

a) "You got your ideal boy's hands/ In your hands, cuddling his chest"
I thought this was a boy you're describing, and right before it sounded as if she loved him (the narrator) and the way the boy replies makes it sound like she loves someone else. Though I like the imagery I am confused as to what is going on

4. The entire last stanza I have an issue with. You seem to switch point of view. Going from "I lost all my hope for you" to "With the guy who won you..." You make it sound again like the boy she loves and is loosing is talking, but with no clear showing that is what is going on. Is this other boy gay? Or is it a girl? I am just very lost and confused.

5. Too formal with the "thee's and thou's" Your talking about a text message, and no one talks like that on a regular basis anymore. Using you won't loose the emotion, and it will help it be more believable.

6.Quick note, if this poem is from the male's point of view, then other than the thee and thou's don't change a thing, just add the five days late and identify the speaker is male, because I will be honest it reads like it is a female.

Overall this is really good! I love so many parts of it and you wrote the topic very well. I hope this was helpful and look foward to seeing more of your work! PM if you have any questions or want more reviews! Good job and good luck!

Hey MB! I'm going to give your poem a quick review. I really enjoyed it, it was very expressive, and well written, so I'll try to keep this review fairly brief.

I felt the use of such a formal phrase like 'thee' hurt the voice in this poem. I read through the poem again and replaced 'thee' with 'you' and none of the emotion was lost. I feel it would be wise for you to consider replacing all the formal phrases with more relaxed ones that would be more appropriate for the narrator of your poem.

I don't know if you said 'Over phone' on purpose or not, but a 'the' between 'over' and 'phone' reads better in my opinion.

Other than those two points, your poem is great! As always, you should proofread it out loud to check for any awkward bits. This is especially true for poetry. Anyway, welcome to YWS, and keep up the good work!