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​An Incredible End

by mb1221

An Incredible End

You and I, seated

Facing the giant white screen

As The Parrs saved the world

I imagined, me as Bob

You as Helen,

the things we said we'd do together

Then you rejected my love,

And as the world was safe again,

we were over

And the happiest few days of my life

melted away

As a fire broke out in my chest

dreams of you flashed before my eyes,

and all you left for me to say was


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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:22 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hi Shikora here.

This was a really nice poem you have here. the name was cool, that is what made me read it in the first place. So good job.
It was interesting to read that is for sure. I do have to say that the ending was a bit abrupt. But that's okay.

Now there was one spot I saw you could put some punctuation.

You and I, seated

Facing the giant white screen

It would be better is you put a fall stop after screen. It would make the flow a bit better.

But other then that I like this poem, it wasn't what I was expecting that's for sure, but it was enjoyable to read. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend

User avatar
57 Reviews

Points: 548
Reviews: 57

Tue Jan 22, 2019 2:58 am
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1nspire wrote a review...

Hey, 1nspire here for a review:)

First of all, I'm sorry that you had an experience like this, but it's the sincerity really came across throughout. It's important for writers to channel their loss into pieces like this, and if you're anything like me, writing is great for coping. I'm sorry, don't know where I was going with that, anyway...

I love that this poem is short and sweet, you get your point across without drawing it out. I wish there was a little more detail explaining exactly how the girl rejects love and possibly why.

I love the imagery, the way that you explained "the happiest few days of my life melted away."
It's amazing how quickly an experience can change people and how easy it is to make or break someone's day.

I love the way you ended this piece with a simple goodbye to show the feeling of resignation. The narrator doesn't try to get the girl back, just accepts that she is gone. This hurt to read, but made the story so powerful.

Thank you for sharing this poem, it is truly beautiful. Hope you have a nice day/night.

mb1221 says...

Thank you for your review. The experience happened a while ago, so the hurt isn't as bad now, but it took me a while to decide to put it into words.
I will see where I can tweak the piece to add more details. I am a newbie to poetry so often times I don't really know how to write poems. :)

But I will consider your suggestion in my future pieces. Thank you! :)

1nspire says...

No problem, I'm pretty new to poetry too. I'm glad to hear that things are going better!

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer