Sweet Dreams

Hey, Aley here to review you for Team Blueberry Muffins!

So, first poem? Or first love poem?

I like the sections where you're being specific about the person you wrote this for, but I feel like you're being a little to physical with how you manifest them in the poem. You don't talk about who they are as a person so much as what they look like and how they make you feel. I mean, maybe that's what your relationship is at this point, maybe it's a distance crush? But I feel like if I were to get this as a love poem, I'd want a bit more than just physical looks in the poem. That being said, THOSE PARTS should definitely stay. They are the better parts of the poem because they're unique to your situation and they give a good sense of relationship.

The other parts where you're trying to make it sound like a poem, and trying to be cutesy like "love me as I love thee" are the parts that should go. That sort of cutesy turn of phrase has been so overdone when the language was actually spoken like that, that it's sort of like a bad pun today. You just roll your eyes. I mean, "Guess what? Chicken butt." it just loses it's sense of humor and thrill after a while. You can do better according to those parts where you're talking about the specifics.

Instead of using That language, try talking more about a specific scene, an instance where you really felt love for your sig. other. Recall something they did for you, or that you were able to do for them, get detailed! Poetry is precious in the details.

So here are the parts I think are salvageable and usable in this poem:

"Your deep eyes, dark as a forest

of a cloudy night

Your voice, harmonic as the chirps of a cricket

blended with leaves whooshing

in the forest of twilight

Your hair, smooth as a rose-scented pillow

that I wish to sniff, caress, feel

and lean on

let me be warm

within your coal eyes

Kiss me with your cherry lips"

I really like these lines. Sometimes you get a bit dramatic like "In the forest of twilight" because the forest sounds the same during the day as in the middle of the night, but I'll give you that. It makes a nice picture.

From here, take lines like "Your deep eyes, dark as a forest" and make the next line something that happens. "laugh despite your serious face" and "Your voice, harmonic as the chirps/blended with leaves wooshing/in the forest of twilight" does something like "is a bouncy ball in a box as you laugh"

Doing this sort of thing will give more feeling and meaning to the poem and get more of the emotion you're looking for into it.

On top of that, if you get specific, like a memory, you're going to make it more personal and that personal touch will make it easier to connect to as an outside reader and for your significant other because you'll have remembered those things.

Good luck with your love poem!
Aley

Hey there, mb1221 !!

Here is Eros with a review for you !!

I loved the piece of poetry with short romantic paragraphs. Loved the theme and ideas behind it. This is a poem that can be related by everyone who has a crush on somebody. The way you have described the voice of crush in the lines

Your voice, harmonic as the chirps of a cricket

blended with leaves whooshing

in the forest of twilight