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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi there!
This seems like a good poem to keep in a journal or post on a blog, but as an outside reader, I didn't get very much from it. I don't know the situation and I don't feel anything in reading the poem. Most beginners in poetry don't realize this, but poetry is absolutely for the reader, not for the writer, so how are you writing this for your reader? I would suggest going over the idea of the poem and trying to make it speak to the reader more. Remind us of our first loves, of the loves we've always wanted to have, and the loves we lost. If you want to leave it as is... you certainly can, but it's not a poem to be read by others. Like I said, it would fit fine in a journal.
Some lines require obvious editing:
"was is" - two verbs, not sure which one you meant to use.
They bring me, or they take me?
I would cut out the second part of that line. If you want to make this a serious poem, you shouldn't include that.
If you're interested in improving your poetry my best suggestion would be to read poetry. You can find a lot of it online, for free. Reading poetry is absolutely the best way to learn how to write it, in my opinion. If you need suggestions of poetry to read, feel free to PM me and I can give you the names of some authors based on your reading interests.
Hello there maxlovesfang15! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day.
With that said, onto the review!
Oh dear. Looks like a slip-up in the editing process. You might want to fix that.
The text in parentheses made to do a double-take. Are they supposed to be there? Because if they are, they don't fit with the rest of the poem. At all.
With that said, overall, this piece lacks any real imagery. It's all very literal and more than a little repetitive, especially since you repeat the "I can't wait to meet him. / Is he close by or far away? / Oh Lord God Almighty I can't wait for that day." lines three times without any modifications, not even in the punctuation. Repetition is tricky to pull off well, and pieces that use repetition heavily tend to use a lot of little tricks, like modifying the punctuation in each iteration, to keep the repetitions from being too repetitive. Because there's nothing like that in this piece, the repeated lines feel a bit too repetitious. I think you could take out one of the iterations, and it'd be for the better.
There's also the matter of how the information in the non-repeated stanzas contradict the information in the repeated ones. The other lines all seem to be talking about a person the narrator already knows, while the repeated lines are about a person they're hoping to meet. If the non-repeated stanzas are describing what the narrator hopes the person they're hoping to meet is like, then you need to make that much clearer because right now, this reads like there are two separate people, with the narrator already knows one great guy, but is hoping for someone better. I don't think that was your intention.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, this piece is very literal, and while literal pieces can work well, this one is more literal in the "lacking any distinguishing images or characteristics" sort of literal. As a result, this piece reads as a pretty generic one without anything to make it stand out from all the other pieces with similar subjects.
I'd suggest getting a bit more creative with your descriptions. You mention fangirliness, so tie that aspect of the narrator's personality into almost every description that's made. You do a little bit of this with the "It brings his stamina up to 100%." line, but it's not enough. More fangirlish references would go a long way in giving this piece's descriptions that uniqueness they sorely lack at the moment.
Hello there, Fang! I'm Rose, and I'm here to review this piece!
This is an adorable piece. It made me smile; it's always great when a piece of writing evokes an emotional response from a reader, so great job there. In addition, what you've written is something that quite a few people are able to identify with. That's always awesome.
"He's very sweet and, oh, so kind.
He says he likes every bit of me,
My inner fangirl, manga and everything."
In my opinion, there's something off with the way you've used the word "every" in the second line and "everything" in the third line. It's a tad redundant. I understand the sentiments behind what you're writing, but I feel like using the word "everything" communicates something you've already made clear. If I were you, I'd consider replacing it with another detail about yourself, something that's a little more specific.
"His smile is what makes my day.
The hair on his head is oh so perfect.
Was Is there ever a human being with features like his?"
This is cute. The only part of this that I find issue with is the way you've used the words "oh so" in the second line. They're cute when you use them once, but after that, they lose their emphasis and feel unnecessary. If I were you, I'd consider editing this piece so they're only used once.
Overall, this is a cute piece, maybe even a little too cute. Still, I can tell that the emotions behind what you've written are heartfelt, and that somehow makes this piece work for me. In the future, though, I'd consider keeping an eye on the cuteness level of your work. It's right on the edge of being too over the top.
If you disagree with anything I've said, disregard it! My suggestions are just those: suggestions. If you disagree with them, disregard them. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is paramount.
Always keep writing!
-Rose
Your poem was real nice but I think that it ended too abrupt. What I would have done is:
"He loves the way I greet him each day.
It brings his stamina up to 100%.
His favorite thing is to hold me, (the word tight was't needed in this line)
And put his fingers through my hair.
I really don't mind."
But "I can't wait to meet him.
Is he close by or far away?
Oh Lord God Almighty I can't wait for that day"
Another thing that think you needed to work on in your spacing and number of lines in a stanza.
Okay, check this out.
He's very sweet and, oh, so kind.
He says he likes every bit of me,
My inner fangirl, manga and everything.
His smile is what makes my day.
The hair on his head is oh so perfect.
Was Is there ever a human being with features like his?
I can't wait to meet him.
Is he close by or far away?
Oh Lord God Almighty I can't wait for that day.
I like to look in his dark brown eyes.
They bring take me into worlds I can't explain.
He does his best to make me laugh
And it works each time.
His recipe for a smile is a great success.
He doesn't mind what I do.
The way I am,
He thinks it's very cute. (this is totally chris lol)
There can't be anyone better than him.
I can't wait to meet him.
Is he close by or far away?
Oh Lord God Almighty I can't wait for that day.
He loves the way I greet him each day.
It brings his stamina up to 100%.
His favorite thing is to hold me tight,
And put his fingers through my hair.
I really don't mind.
I can't wait to meet him.
Is he close by or far away?
Oh Lord God Almighty I can't wait for that day.
notice the pattern of 2 stanza the your repeated lines the two more stanza the a repeat and the one and a repeat... This is how i thought it would have sound better hope that you would like the adjustments I made and that my help would be beneficial to you. keep up the good work and keep writing. best of wishes from yours truly, BabyLaLa1989.
Oh ok thank you