I won't understand,
Don't ever think I will,
On how he thinks these things,
But guess that's the secret to love.
When I think about how he can have some other girl, He's there to say
'I could've chosen anyone else,
but in the end I chose you.'
And if I don't see how I can be pretty,
He will think that I'm "some kind of deluded."
He really wants me to see what he sees.
It's really funny where this love began.
Out of all places it sparked where magic begins,
Disney World, April, Band Trip 2012.
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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hello again maxlovesfang15! Thanks to the alignment of the stars on this very fine Review Day, it seems I'm reviewing another one of your poems. Lucky you!
Now, with that said, a lot of the things I said with concerns to description on the other poem I just reviewed also apply to this one. Since I don't want to sound like an overly-repetitious member of the avian species, I'll just mention the similarity, give you a couple of handy links for writing description in poetry, and leave it at that:
Original Poetry by Mars
Imagery by something euclidian
Cliches in Poetry by OverEasy
The one thing that really struck me about this poem (lack of descriptions aside) was the spacing of the lines. It looks a bit messy and inconsistent, and I'm left wondering why. I can't help but think that this poem would be much improved if the lines were spaced out a bit more consistently. As it stands, with how much space is in between some of those lines, this piece is actually not as easy to read as it could be.
For example:
Why is there a blank line in between each line? Having such a space in between them separates the lines visually and, as a result, it also separates the ideas within each line from each other. These four lines read very disjointedly, like they're each meant to have a super important idea that only setting them apart on a separate line could really emphasize, but they don't. They're all basically part of the same idea, only they've been fragmented across four lines rather than grouped together into a more cohesive whole.
Lines by themselves put a lot of emphasis on that particular line, sort of like writing a word in All-Caps does the same for a word, and just as writing everything in All-Caps causes the All-Caps to lose its effect, so does spacing out lines too often.
I'd strongly recommend grouping some of the spaced out lines together. As it stands, all that space between all those lines is quite distracting and breaks up the poem not just visually, but meaning-wise.
Well i like this piece for many reasons. Most of them of private and jelouse preportions, but I am here to review, so I shall put that aside for now.
It's well written for the most part. It doesn't have any grammar problems, and it tells kind of a story which is a plus. I loved the ending the most.
The structure for me is what is off. Especially in the beginning, its almost as if your searching for a rhythm, but don't find it until the end of the poem. It's fine that you didn't rhyme although if you had it might have helped with the fluidity. The last issue I have is that it lacks emotion in parts of this. You have these random spirts like in "This must be a never-ending dream./ If it is,/ it's the most beautiful one I've seen." and then end, but if you do something like that through out it may help.
I liked the idea you have and the way you wrote it. Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you!
Thanks
I wasn't really paying attention to rhythm kind of lol I was just writing what I was feeling plus it was night time. Just posted it cause my boyfriend liked it so I said why not. Thanks for reviewing!!