The Legacy of Bob- The Fair Maiden

Last time in the Legacy of Bob our hero was running away crying from multiple situations and we witnessed the death of our much loved wizard Mudo. This really sounds like some sort of T.V show opening but who cares! Today’s adventure shall involve Romance! Betrayal! And best of all, Embarrassment!

After his tactical retreat at the lair of the dragon, Bob spent the following months finding a new place to live, mostly because the town that he lived in was burnt down by dragon fire. It’s a good thing that Bob had no family whatsoever. He wandered about for a long time and finally found a place to stay in a local city by the name of Generic city. He ended up getting a job at the local squad of mercenaries, apparently there wasn’t many people who wanted to enlist for this “Suicide mission”. Bob may not have enlisted either, if he knew what the word suicide meant, he thought it was some kind of exotic fish.

He was put in with a squad of the greatest warriors this city could find that would do the job for next to nothing. There were four people all together including Bob. First was Phil who looked to be a merchant who was a little hard up on cash, either that or he owed someone for a bad deal, and he insisted on using a claymore that he obviously didn’t know how to use. Second in line was a quiet looking man who wielded a short bow and he always seemed to be staring at you intently whenever you turned to look at him. Bob named that man Disposable Character One, or DCO for short. And last and absolutely the least powerful was a girl with a slender build who went by Mina. Bob thought that she was the weakest because she had no weapons and Bob, being a weapons master of course, thought that to be rather bad for an adventure.

Their assignment was to go out to this castle and retrieve this princess who has been captured by a dragon and sealed away in the top of a tower. Apparently Bob had never read any books because he found this quest idea to be exciting and new to him. Bob being the valiant hero he is instantly thought to nominate Mina to lead the way, kind of hoping that she would die before anything could reach him.

They group traveled for a long way when they reached a fork in the road so Bob picked it up and continued their journey with his new found treasure. Then later along the way the road split into two directions and none of them remembered to ask for a map. They quarreled for a few minutes over the directions with everyone having their own idiotic reason of why to go which way. That was when they heard a great, loud, thumping sound and the breaking of tree branches. Bob being terrified as usual pissed himself shamefully in fear. The other three mercenaries looked at each other uncertainly and readied their weapons, except for Mina, she just kind of stood their looking bored. A massive ogre came barreling through the woods and into the road. Bob thought this looked like a cool fight scene was going to happen so he got out his paint and began to make a complex painting of the battle, well he thought it was complex but it was just crudely drawn stick men. The ogre swung his massive club down at the party members and he must have rolled a 20 because he hit Disposable character one right in the head, killing him instantly and splattering blood all over Bob’s painting, which he thought gave it a taste of realism.

Bob began to get the feeling that this situation was starting to go badly so he gathered up his ruby hilted great sword and fled down the left path with his painting under his other arm. He ran down the path when he saw a shadow flying above him, so Bob ducked and covered and began to cry a little thinking that the ogre had learned how to achieve flight. Then he heard a thump in front of him and a female voice cursing, it was Mina.

“Hey girl you didn’t tell me you could fly!” said bob accusingly

“I didn’t fly you dumbass the ogre threw me and because of you leaving he killed everyone else!”

“Trust me you were better off without me there”

They talked for a while, Bob attempting to flirt with Mina, and Mina attempting to kill Bob, but they ended up settling their differences by having Bob gagged. It took them quite a bit to reach the tower because of Bob insisting on taking his midafternoon adventurer naps. So after a few months of them getting lost and lost again they stumbled upon a tower, they weren’t sure if this was the correct tower, but it was in fact a tower so they went inside. Oh, did I say they? I meant just Bob. In the months here Mina died in a great and heroic fashion revealing her true powers as being the god of fire, but that’s not very important.

Bob reached the entrance to the tower and sunlight gleamed off of his solid gold armor that was forged by the angels themselves and he readied his great zwei-hander that shone with great magical power before opening the door.

The foyer of the tower was pretty lame in Bob’s artistic opinion, nothing matched right, and I mean orange tapestries and pink carpet, ugh so distasteful. Bob went up the stairs to the right and thought that it wasn’t very proper to not great an adventurer in your own lair, but he put those thoughts aside and climbed the stairs until he came to a door leading to the top room of the tower.

He opened the door to see a great large bedroom. The bed was huge and was made out of the wood of a great oak tree and the finest silk obscured the vision that was inside. A mirror and a desk stood off to the side with what looked like makeup scattered about the desk. That’s when he heard a seductive voice from the bed.

“So are you the big, strong adventurer that has come to save me from my imprisonment?”

“Uh, kind of, I mean I’m an adventurer but not really big nor strong” which was the truest statement Bob had ever said

.“Oh, I’m sure you’ll do”

A tall figure came out of the bed and was dressed in a white dress that covered her entire body and a veil that covered all of her face. Bob, being surprised that a woman actually likes him, went right away to kiss the fair maiden like any good adventurer. He was over joyed until he opened his eyes. The fair maiden was not really a maiden at all, but was the face of a dwarf. Bob looked in surprise and began to make a series of harsh gagging sounds as he backed away from the dwarven man. As Bob backed away he looked over the dwarf to try and see how he had been deceived. It looked as if the dwarf filled his bra with his beard for he was pulling it up out of his dress now and he seemed to have an awkward gait about him and bob discovered he was actually on stilts.

“What’s wrong you don’t like me?” said the heavy set dwarven man on stilts with a slight catch to his voice and it looked like he was starting to tear up. “I just wanted someone to love me.”

“I-Im sorry, you’re a uh very handsome dwarf but I..I just don’t think it would work between us.” Said Bob with confusion

“Oh..I see.. well can I at least get a hug?” said the dwarven man sounding very disenchanted

“Yeah, I guess” said Bob as he moved in for the hug

Bob went in and embraced the dwarf in a long and sensual hug….and that’s when the dwarf revealed himself to be the dragon. The dwarf began to shake and his body began to change into that of a great and powerful red dragon. Bob began to back away in fear from the great beast pressing himself flat up against the door.

“Hahahaha I see you fell for my trap you fo-..” the dragon started to say but was cut off my Bobs hasty retreat from the room. The dragon heard the shuffling of armor going down the stairs and heavy sobbing as Bob fled from the tower, crying once more.