Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
She breathed in deeply, letting the smoke fill her lungs and the euphoria fill her mind. She tilted her head back, shut her eyes, and sighed. The smoke rose in a small plume above her in the shape of a purple heart. Slowly, her eyes opened to the dark alley around her. It was late, she should head back and meet with Wyleth, but she was enjoying the moment. She took another drag of her cigarette and dropped it to the ground, crushing its feeble light under her boot as she exhaled another breath of the smoke. This time she watched, her gray eyes following its path with curiosity, as it took the form of a small dragon before it dissipated.
She shoved her hands into one of her many pockets. It was
cold. She walked out of the alley and was greeted by the dull glow of a
streetlight above her. The source of the light, a small orange rock, spun
faster as she walked past; as did the other lamps she went by, the glow growing
brighter as the rocks picked up speed and slowly growing dull again as she
walked away. She whistled and hummed to herself as she tried to remember the
tune of a song she liked. What was it again? Dark moon rises? No. Keep it
plugged? No. She huffed in frustration, her soft features temporarily distorted
as she grimaced. She would have to ask Wyleth about it when she got back to the
hotel or it would bug her for weeks.
She noted that there was
someone walking back behind her, but they seemed to be far off. Probably just
another vagrant leaving the bar. They appeared to be the only ones out at this
hour besides herself. She didn’t see why though. The night was wonderful.
Nobody was around to tell her what had to be done, and there was no one around
to look at you funny if you whistled a song to yourself, a song which she could
not remember for the life of her, she thought angrily. It had to be something
she heard recently. She halted her stride and hummed the part she could
remember and tapped her foot to the beat. She knew how it went, she was sure of
that much, but the lyrics! She could not think of a single word.
She shook her head and walked on. A strand of hair fell in front of her eyes so she brushed the wild violet away and tucked it back behind ears. She picked up her pace, bouncing on her toes to the beat of her mystery song, or was it a new song now? She shrugged indifferently and resumed her little dance for quite a ways down the lamp lit road. She took another glance behind her, but the person behind her was now gone, most likely passed out in an alley she mused. She continued on, but her dance came to a sudden halt as the large, luminescent, green sign to her left captured her attention. The sign read
“FEEL GOOD INCORPORATED”
The image of a young woman shone next to it with one hand on her neon hip while her hips rocked from side to side and her other hand moved in a suggestive come here gesture. The plum haired girl’s eyes squinted dubiously at the sign. She rocked her hips back and forth in time with the sign, causing the bells she had in one of her pockets to jingle softly. She laughed to herself and spun back into her dance. She plucked another cigarette from her breast pocket, stuck it between her lips, and blew into it. Green smoke wafted up as the end glowed with warmth. Her hand reached up and took it from her lips as she blew little smoke rings out behind her. She smiled, the cigarette hanging from the corner of her lips and thought, I love this city.
The door swung open suddenly before her fingertips could find the handle. Light spilled from the doorway causing Vivian to squint up at the disgruntled looking woman before her. She began to murmur a greeting, but was cut off as the bath robe clad woman yanked her inside.
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Hi mahpah, although this was a short entry, it was really good. It captured my attention from beginning to end. The imagery and word choice really captivated me. It set a bit of a bleak tone, I don't know if that was the intention or not but, I felt like it really went with the story. The imagery created gave a sense of peaceful isolation. The word choice, I felt, helped get know the character and get a sense at to the type of person she is. I really enjoyed this story, I can't wait to read more.
Was this the song?: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8Qp38qT-xI
I love the world building in this. It gives you just enough of a taste of the world to tease you into wanting to learn more. It's clear that there is something fantastic at work, but it's impossible to tell if it's magic or far-future technology.
The description of the setting also struck a chord with me. I've always been a fan of streetlight-lit alleys and streets in the dead of night. The setting definitely contributed to the unique style of this piece.
The third thing that I like is the characterization. Just from this brief exposure to the character (plus her music taste), I already know exactly the kind of person she is. She's a teenager/young-adult desperate for independence from her parents.
The biggest criticism that I can give is that you should break up those big chunks into smaller paragraphs. I lost myself in them a few times, which is a lot considering the relatively short length of this work.
Another small note is that you should try to maintain flow by refraining from using the same word to begin too many sentences in a row. Usually this happens with pronouns like "he" and "she."
I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this story. It seems interesting.