Young Writers Society

Wow, I loved this poem! Your use of imagery is outstanding! "Kaleidoscopic, teary eyes" is a great line. The first stanza of your poem really pulled me in and made me want to finish reading it. The title of your poem as well definitely intrigued me and made me want to come read it. I love the second stanza, when you describe all the things you used to do. It really provides good background information about what you lost. I would agree that perhaps cutting a few words could help with clarity.

The third stanza confused me a bit. Some of the wording, specifically the first line, left me a bit confused and I had to really think to understand the use of "was" and "wasn't" so close to each other. But I do love the last line in that stanza, ": just us." It's really great, and ties it back in to the second stanza. I would say either the third or fourth stanza are your weakest. The first three lines of the fourth stanza were slightly confusing, but the last tree lines were really strong. I loved your closing stanza.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem, it's one of the best I've read. Definitely keep writing, you have great talent.

-Riles

Amazing work. You give such visceral details that paints a detailed image with just a couple lines. Your 4th stanza does lack a bit of feeling although I couldn't tell you how to fix that. To put it simply this is beyond me. Great work.

Hello! Before I begin, I would like to say that I really liked this poem. It's clearly filled with emotion, and I appreciate how passionate you were about this poem when you were writing it. Good job!

One thing I noticed was how strong your beginning was. It was very strong! I loved the way you opened it, and I think the first line is my favorite line in this poem. However, I think after you break off for, "because it was. it wasn't real," you start to lose that quality of imagery and cleanliness. I think the fourth stanza is the weakest. Sometimes I find when I write poetry is that less is often more. I'll usually try to squeeze in seven stanzas, only to cut five and only use the first two that I wrote, because after about the first couple of stanzas, I tend to just ramble on and on, just like I'm doing with this sentence(Ha!). I just felt that the fourth stanza onwards was a little ramble-y. In general, actually, I felt that cutting some extra words could make the whole poem more effective. For example, in your first stanza:

"beneath me the dust shrinks away/as i drift out past the halls where"

Even in these two lines, you could cut some extra words.

"the dust shrinks away/i drift past the halls where"

If you look for words you don't really need and cut them it could make the whole poem much more clear.

Favorite line(s):
"i am lost. wandering through time:
kaleidoscopic, teary eyes."

Just good imagery here. Comparing teary eyes to a kaleidoscope gave me some wonderful imagery. Nice job!

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. I think if you cleaned it up it could be really, really good. I really liked how much emotion you put into it. Keep writing!

ella

This is one of the most beautiful poems i have ever read of yours.
I just need to say that.

This is really sad. Leaving yourself behind to make up with people doesn't give good impression after all to one self. I really like the last line. It embodies how things would turn out after all. But on the last words, i believe its not about finding ourselves but more likely creating ourselves. Good job!