Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Mystery / Suspense

E - Everyone

Odessa with the Bloodied Roses

by manilla


There were two of them, in matching floral, floor-length dresses that flowed freely in the early fall breeze. Auburn brown hair hung in wavy tresses that seemed to do a dance, paired with twinkling green eyes that laughed without speaking. The sunset, behind them, taunted the pair of women, saying that he, like them, was beautiful and had a tale to tell. Two pairs of hands were folded together. Two sets of ruby-red lips lay there, patiently waiting. Cross necklaces hung on their chests.

Except on the left woman's dress, Cara noticed, there was a difference in the assortment of flowering, where the roses had uncut thorns that dripped printed blood.

A faint chill flew from the breeze onto Cara's skin. The grass, wild and uncut, suddenly began to itch her sandaled feet. After staring at the women for so long, however, Cara let out a small sigh. "What trick are you playing this time?"

The Odessas' facial expression began to twist, lips dipping down into a concerned frown. "I don't quite understand."

They sounded like a single entity - Even the wind rippled their bohemian dresses in the exact same way. There was a slight tinging noise of metal against metal, however.

The sun's rays twinkled malevolently. Cara rose a finger before dropping it. Her jeans, as if gaining a dead weight, started to weigh her down, trapping her, keeping them distant from each other. Invisible roots began to intertwine themselves through Cara's sandals, and she continued to stand still. She distributed the weight in her stance and didn't bother to move.

"Why, dear Cara, do you not madden?" asked the Odessas. Their discomfort had turned into visible annoyance while they too, stood completely still. Cara's eye twitched as the dead weights begin to settle around her. She began to take note of the pit forming, a sickening dread in her stomach. The Odessa Cara knew never spoke in formality. The Odessa Cara knew was plainer, soft-spoken. The Odessa Cara knew never dressed in such revealing clothing in fear of drawing attention for herself, in fear of her own mind jeering at her. Yet the Odessa with the bloodied roses had upturned all of this, being more content than the latter had ever been. This new Odessa seemed complacent, confident, charismatic.

Minutes had drifted by silently; as Cara looked longer and longer, there were, in fact, differences. The other Odessa looked at Cara with an expectant fear, waiting for a second gratification in the moment, for the night to carry on. As if the night itself moved.

The Odessa with the bloodied roses finally smiled, for Cara had broken free from the invisible roots that ensnared her, walked forward, and snatched other one's hair. It gave instantly, flying like little wisps into the scarlet sunset. The other Odessa laid on the ground. Cara held her breath - And everything else vanished.

"I know you're just a clone." Cara, too, finally grinned. "I just don't want my beloved to survive."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 7955
Reviews: 109

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2019 2:27 am
View Likes
neptune wrote a review...



Hey manilla! :) Finally getting around to reviewing this work — so sorry for how long it has taken me. Let’s not waste any more time then, let’s hop into the review!

So although this piece left me with many questions and theories/ideas, I’ll get to those later. First, I want to highlight/suggest something. It appears to me (from reading this once over) that Cara decides to “choose” the Odessa with the bloodied roses over the other one (without the bleeding roses). I’m left to wonder why she chose to do this - but I’m assuming that’s supposed to be the writer’s mystery here - and with that comes my curiosity of her emotions to this decision. Was she glad to have made this decision? Regretful? Uncertain? I’ve gathered some feelings from the little bit of dialogue/interaction between the Odessa(s) and Cara, but other than that I’m still looking for more!

To me, this story was either:

1) About a girl coming face to face with her personalities and ultimately choosing one (the bloodied rose Odessa) over the other. (This one is more of a metaphorical interpretation, though, and there are some references that I don’t think fit into this idea)

2) Something else here leads me to believe this has some sort of religious tie to it - with the reference to cross necklaces at the beginning that the two women are wearing, and sentences like these:

The Odessa Cara knew never spoke in formality. The Odessa Cara knew was plainer, soft-spoken. The Odessa Cara knew never dressed in such revealing clothing in fear of drawing attention for herself, in fear of her own mind jeering at her.

I’m getting some shock from Cara about “the Odessa” and her seemingly new personality/attitude, and although I don’t know who the Odessa(s?) are in relation to each other, it’s clear that Cara prefers one over the other (from her grinning at the end). So maybe she’s finally coming to terms that she wants to break away from something (religion, personality?) to be her true self.

3) Or I could totally be overanalyzing this and it could be something completely different haha? Let me know how far off I am/if there’s something I’m missing!

The Odessa with the bloodied roses finally smiled, for Cara had broken free from the invisible roots that ensnared her, walked forward, and snatched other one's hair.

This sentence was a little confusing to me. I think that’s because there’s a word missing/typo at the end of it, but also because I don’t know who is grabbing who’s hair, which makes the rest of the paragraph confusing.

I was intrigued by the whole “two Odessas” thing - sometimes it felt like there was some sort of relationship between the two but then again I don’t really know their backstory/characters so it would be weird to assume any relationship - especially when the genre wasn’t described as romance. These were some of the sentences that led me to believe that:
Two pairs of hands were folded together. Two sets of ruby-red lips lay there, patiently waiting.

These could have been interpreted in many different ways, though! And this could have also represented closeness or unity?

There was so much packed into such little writing! It was very compact and although a lot was set onto the plate, I was only able to digest some of it — there was much to take in and it definitely required a second read to fully analyze and understand everything. Sometimes it felt like the sentences were being stuffed with too many adjectives/nouns/words, though occasionally those kinds of sentences are nice.

But! I really like the differentiation between the two women because that created variation and curiosity in the piece and reader, which I appreciated. It was intriguing to see the different characterization and it’s clear to see that you’ve been experimenting and improving your writing skills. I enjoyed this a lot! (Plus, I don’t usually read suspense/mystery pieces, so thanks for getting me out of my comfort zone!)

Okay, that was a lot of rambling! I hope something was comprehensible and this helped you with your creative process. If you have any questions/comments let me know! :D Happy review day!




manilla says...


Thank you so much for your creative interpretations and the review. There wasn't a relationship between the Odessas rather than Cara with Odessa (no roses), and I should've made that and more clear.



neptune says...


You%u2019re welcome! And I also saw the relationship between Cara and Odessa, I just figured there was also a more metaphorical relationship between the Odessas - but thanks for clarifying, that makes more sense!



User avatar
431 Reviews


Points: 13818
Reviews: 431

Donate
Sun Mar 10, 2019 9:25 pm
View Likes
Liberty says...



Good job! I love the description, well done. :)




User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 574
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Feb 17, 2019 9:29 am
View Likes
Fantascifi66 says...



Prompt well used. Good job!




User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 497
Reviews: 103

Donate
Sun Feb 17, 2019 3:46 am
View Likes
deleted19 wrote a review...



AmadeusW here with a review.

This is a very interesting little piece. I appreciate to a certain extent the vagueness of the explanation, to add to the mystery and leave the reader with questions.

But I have a few too many questions.

The first paragraph was absolutely beautiful. I loved it.

Then this mysterious Cara person shows up, and we have no idea how she got there, or if she was one of the two women you originally describe, or a third person.

Then the two women are suddenly named "the Odessas". Leaving that to inference is fine, but the fact that we're still not sure if Cara is one of the Odessas, the two ladies described in the opening paragraph, or the third person joining the stage, makes following the story a bit confusing.

What I pulled from this is that Cara had some past relationship with a girl named Odessa who maybe died? and was then cloned in some way, but then there's two of them? I'm not sure. Maybe if you fill me in on what's happening behind this story, I can give you better feedback.

This is a pretty cool story. I like it.




manilla says...


Thanks! So Cara is not one of the Odessas. The original, more meek Odessa, had relations to Cara somehow. Cara is just here to interact with Odessa and her clone, who she ultimately picks instead. I'll make that clearer if I edit lol




He knew that elbow.
— soundofmind