stop to flee
flee after you stop,
dear wanderer
spill some coffee beans as you walk by
and chitter as you collect them
drapes may fly, wind in your shoulders
a breeze to cool your air
some sloshes of drinks,
stop to see
watch the wonders, wanderer
some tea, and go off again
wild and free
into the sun, flee
flee far, as far as one can see
further, as far as you can see
the beans in your bag hold little of you
so drop a few, dear
and stop to flee
gaze at the trinkets, the colour, the chimes
light a bonfire, make up silly rhymes
some tea for the darling, and off you go again
wild and free
into the sun, flee
the trees will sing, hear their songs
the birds will near, treasure their warmth
butter flowers pull you in, succumb
drop a few drops, on a pillow of green
flowers for felt,
there is no tea here
but the leaves will dance for you
so watch, wanderer
the wonders are wonderful
pack your beans, and off you go again
wild and free
into the sun, flee
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,429 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
hey hey! ^_^
woah, this is sooo whimsical!
thoughts
[1] this is so sweet and musical! the poem has a nursery-rhyme quality to it, especially with the repeated phrases like wild and free / into the sun, flee. it feels light, circular, and wandering in a way that really matches the subject. we like how you maintain that throughout!
[2] we love the cozy imagery here! it all creates this very soft little world. the poem feels like it is guiding the wanderer through small pleasures, reminding them to pause even while they move forward -- that is neat when you think about how it's about coffee, something that doesn't often liken itself to fantasy worlds!
suggestions
[1] the repetition is charming, but it could maybe be tightened in a few places. because flee, wanderer, tea, and wild and free appear often, you could make each return feel slightly different or more meaningful. some repetitions feel musical, while others feel a little accidental.
[2] some images are very vivid, but others are a bit unclear. wind in your shoulders is pretty, but we weren’t totally sure what it means physically. a breeze to cool your air also feels soft, but it's abstract compared to your other imagery.
[3] we really like the coffee bean motif, but we wanted a little more clarity on what the beans represent. memories? pieces of the self? little offerings? the line the beans in your bag hold little of you hints at something deeper, but that something deeper is never revealed to us.
this is really endearing!! it has such a nice feeling, and the repeated call to wander makes it feel warm and free-spirited!!! we loved it!!!
~ adore
thank you so much for your review!! i will improve as much as i can!!
Hey there, majuli! This is Alex, here for a review. It's been a while, I hope you've been doing well. Did your boards go alright? We should catch up, and it'd be great to see more of you here if your schedule permits. Anyways, let's get into it~
Firstly, I LOVED the repeating phrases, makes the poem captivating like a song. Still it's not excessive, and thus keeps the reader's attention while establishing all the impact it was going for. It's rhythm is irresistible and I couldn't nearly have enough..
Both mean the same but in different progression, yet the narrative 'clicks'. It has a philosophical yet melodious ring to it! It seemed like a gamble, but you knew what you were doing. Makes sense, while sounding good.
The subject is doing and undoing things over and over but the reader is far from bored. It's intriguing- like a mystery of why they're told to do so and how they comply so happily. The tone is happy, much like a fool. But that's what makes this poem special. It's defying purpose for true life enjoyment. A message a lot of us need <3
A relevant alliteration with all the words with distinct meanings, I'm obsessed!
It's phrased like an order, but is obviously a lesson or overwhelming advice from a higher being. The almost spirituality is incredibly satisfying!
To let go of things that actually don't mean much to you despite of your opinion otherwise- I love what you're trying to tell us here, veiled under such pretty lines. Powerful and impressive!
The poem has even better lines but these are my favorite! Nature poetry with personal development or growth done right - nothing can beat that in my mind.
Well this seems oddly plagiarised from before. I get what you were going for- certainly not a bad idea. Unfortunately, it didn't get across to the reader so well. I think I just had higher expectations for a poem that started and delivered so good up until the end. It looks a little bland, and doesn't really conclude the message in the epic way I was hoping. Just something to think about, maybe return to rewrite the ending once inspiration strikes.
That's all I have for now. AMAZING meter for an almost free verse poem, though I believe that poems such as these express best in fixed rhyme. It's not like you convey a drastic concept too, that rhyme could be binding. But this version is pretty great nevertheless. The ending could've hit harder, but nothing objectively wrong with it. Happy writing, this was a pleasure to review. Hope to read from you soon! Until next time~
Love,
Alex
So I didn't see it before but the title- there seems to be a disconnect. I feel this poem needs something strong or more simple- like wander, wanderer almost like a firm suggestion as before. Or you could play with the repeating lines to make a jumbled version. Just throwing around a few ideas.
thank you for the review!! my boards went really well, with 97%!! (subtle flex) and we really do need to catch up.
i see what lacks in the ending, but truly, i dont know how to make it better.
the title, however disconnected, i do not wish to change. i write poetry with a fixed imagery in mind, and icarus is the inspiration. 'into the sun, flee'. but icarus had wings of wax, and so he died as they melted. but the wings in this poem are made of coffee. the sun does not harm it.
its not directly relevant, but i really like it.
thank you for the suggestions!!
All valid points, good day!